READ "Who Knew?" BEFORE READING THIS BLOG OR YOU MIGHT FEEL LOST
Last night, I had hit a major wall, and I spoke about a loss of a friend- and I am not sure if the blog sparked it, or it was just the fact that she and I both decided to write how we felt down and share it at the same time.
The friend I thought I lost, well she wrote me the most heart felt letter I have ever read. She made me cry, and I am still crying because while I was grieving for the friendship I thought had ended, she writes me, the most touching lines ever, and tonight begins our turning point.
Throughout the last five years, she and I have seen one another grow up, fall down, get back up, fail, succeed, and have witness our lives crumble right before our eyes. Yet, we turned to each other, and we managed to get through it. Tonight, I felt like my dear old friend was back, and it took me back to the days where we spoke on the phone for hours, where we discussed school, and so much more.
I can't believe how one day can turn a whole situation in a different light, but I am glad it did. I felt a void in her absence and when I care about people, I never stop caring and when one of them is gone, missing or hurting, I feel for them.
We've gone through so much together, and it is my belief that the love that developed in our friendship, has given us this one last chance to turn things around. To remind ourselves why we were each other's shield, why we were never more than a phone call away, and why we shared some of the greatest memories together.
She was by my side through my darkest of times, and she gave me the faith to get by, for she was and is my friend. My greatest hope is that our friendship survives the distance, the challenges and the time between us.
I want her to know that I am always going to be here for her, and she can turn to me for anything. As we embark on our new found direction, tonight begins our turning point back to the days where we were each other's rock, confidants, and escape from the burden that we shared between us.
Her letter touched me beyond belief, and as this year ends, I am looking forward to another year with her, and so many other great individuals. I guess the moral of this blog, is that I was wrong, who knew that even in the face of the end, she and I would find a new beginning.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Who Knew?
In life, we meet so many people. For some, it's simply a brief encounter, for others, it's a relationship that develops over the years. In middle school, everyone was called your "Best Friend", and that stupid saying, "best friends forever" became the punch line for every false promises made, to every childhood memory shared, because like time- those memories would fade, and friends would forget.
Well, I guess I didn't know that just because someone told you they'd be your friend forever, didn't mean that would actually occur.
In middle school, my most trialing years, I met this beautiful girl, smart and artistic. She and I had our ups and downs, but somehow, we got past it and high school was a great help. I guess high school was also a double-edged sword. Suddenly, we weren't the kids in middle school, we began to develop and discovered who we were. That couldn't be farther from who we had been.
For one, I discovered I was not into girls, and she discovered that she didn't think much about boundaries and others relationships. We both loved the arts, and shared MANY of the same dreams- and our relationship became tainted when life decided it would take me on this journey, that was allowing me to live the same common dreams we both shared. Except, while I was doing that, she was a by-stander, and she watched me, and I felt, bitterly so. Whenever I tried to share my happiness with her, she never seemed to be as happy as I would have imagined my best friend to feel.
Suddenly, our circle of friends changed, we changed some more, and it all became about balancing our hectic lives, while trying to remember the individuals we once were, that made us friends in the first place. I told myself that no matter where life would take us after high school, that we would remain friends, but who would have known that June 30th would mark the end for my long-time friend and I?
Granted we have gone through a lot together, we've seen each other at our worse, and stood by each other's side. I believed in everything we said to one another, how we'd be friends forever. I can't help but think of Pink's song, "Who Knew" which is why this blog is entitled that.
Now, half way through our first year of college, we couldn't be any further from one another, and the friendship I thought we formed. I may not be perfect, and I can sometimes be a crappy friend- but the one thing I pride myself on, is that no matter HOW busy or HECTIC my life gets, I always make some time for those I claim to care for, for those I call my friends.
I wish I could still call her my friend, I truly would give anything for that--but when life takes you in different directions, and your friendship isn't based on the foundation you thought it was, how could you know that it wouldn't last?
I am sad, angry, and confused- who knew that someone I once considered my dearest friend, would become the person I grieved for, although she is very much alive, she's just vacant in my life.
Cherish your friends, because although others tried to warn me, you won't know, until it happens to you- when the friendship you thought you had, just disbands. I thought I knew her, but I guess life has a way of changing people so much, that even their physical appearance becomes distorted in your mind.
Well, I guess I didn't know that just because someone told you they'd be your friend forever, didn't mean that would actually occur.
In middle school, my most trialing years, I met this beautiful girl, smart and artistic. She and I had our ups and downs, but somehow, we got past it and high school was a great help. I guess high school was also a double-edged sword. Suddenly, we weren't the kids in middle school, we began to develop and discovered who we were. That couldn't be farther from who we had been.
For one, I discovered I was not into girls, and she discovered that she didn't think much about boundaries and others relationships. We both loved the arts, and shared MANY of the same dreams- and our relationship became tainted when life decided it would take me on this journey, that was allowing me to live the same common dreams we both shared. Except, while I was doing that, she was a by-stander, and she watched me, and I felt, bitterly so. Whenever I tried to share my happiness with her, she never seemed to be as happy as I would have imagined my best friend to feel.
Suddenly, our circle of friends changed, we changed some more, and it all became about balancing our hectic lives, while trying to remember the individuals we once were, that made us friends in the first place. I told myself that no matter where life would take us after high school, that we would remain friends, but who would have known that June 30th would mark the end for my long-time friend and I?
Granted we have gone through a lot together, we've seen each other at our worse, and stood by each other's side. I believed in everything we said to one another, how we'd be friends forever. I can't help but think of Pink's song, "Who Knew" which is why this blog is entitled that.
You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, that's right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Yeah huh, that's right
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no, no no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything
Now, half way through our first year of college, we couldn't be any further from one another, and the friendship I thought we formed. I may not be perfect, and I can sometimes be a crappy friend- but the one thing I pride myself on, is that no matter HOW busy or HECTIC my life gets, I always make some time for those I claim to care for, for those I call my friends.
I wish I could still call her my friend, I truly would give anything for that--but when life takes you in different directions, and your friendship isn't based on the foundation you thought it was, how could you know that it wouldn't last?
I am sad, angry, and confused- who knew that someone I once considered my dearest friend, would become the person I grieved for, although she is very much alive, she's just vacant in my life.
Cherish your friends, because although others tried to warn me, you won't know, until it happens to you- when the friendship you thought you had, just disbands. I thought I knew her, but I guess life has a way of changing people so much, that even their physical appearance becomes distorted in your mind.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Good Grief
In a few weeks, it will be four years since my half brother Kamal "Pupi" Razick passed away. His death impacted my life in a way that words could not describe.
When others say that grief has turned their life upside down, I believe them-- for an entire year, I was an emotional wreck, and I had so much rage built up inside of me. I wanted to hurt everyone as much as I was hurting and I was so angry at my brother for leaving.
However, I found a book one day in Barnes and Noble and I think it saved me. The book was called Good Grief and was written by Lolly Winston. That was the her first novel, which hit #1 on The New York Times Bestseller's List. I could give you a quick overview of the book, but I am not going to- instead, I am going to encourage you to READ IT!
The book had to do with a loss of a love one, and the process the person goes through- the grieving process. When I picked up the book, something just told me to buy it and read it. I did, and I am glad I did. It was emotional, and it was lifesaving. I had never dealt with a loss of a love one before, and this book explained to me the process of grief, and made what I was feeling- okay, normal, and understandable. Suddenly, I didn't feel alone, I felt like I belonged in the same group as the character in the story- a person trying to figure out why death occurs and what one can do to deal with the loss of someone you cared for.
The first two years after my brother's death, I stopped reading (with the exception of Good Grief) and I stopped writing (with the exception of what I had to write for school). Everything that was good in my life, I stopped doing. I simply stopped caring and my grades reflected that.
Grief had torn me apart, and if that wasn't enough- I decided it was time to come clean about who I was as a person. Life happened to me, and I had enough of it, I said "good grief" and threw my hands in the air. Of course, suicide came to mind, so much pain and misery- how could it not? But there was something to be said about the grieving process, and although it never truly ends, once you've begun the process you come to a point where it becomes okay to live again, okay to laugh, to smile, and to believe that there is still a reason to be alive.
Although a few years have gone by, there's still those moments of anger, those moments where I just start to cry out of nowhere, where I get flashbacks to the day I got the phone call. There will never be a day, where grief isn't a part of my life, but each day that passes, it makes it easier to deal with, to cope.
Life is a cycle, and we're all living in it and someday, I will reach the end of my cycle and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through- I want them to embrace grief much sooner than I did, I want them to remember all the good in me, and the bad that made me who I am. I want them to be proud of me, and allow my life to continue on, through theirs.
For anyone who knows me, who loves me, who may read this: One day, I will go, and when I do, I want you to keep my life alive through yours, of course you will cry, be hurt, get upset, but never stop living.
(DISCLAIMER: This is no indication of suicide, or of me dying prematurely, this is just a blog referring to grief, my experience and my hope for those who may be affected the day I do pass away, which I hope is no time soon-- too much stuff left to do on my "To Do" list.)
When others say that grief has turned their life upside down, I believe them-- for an entire year, I was an emotional wreck, and I had so much rage built up inside of me. I wanted to hurt everyone as much as I was hurting and I was so angry at my brother for leaving.
However, I found a book one day in Barnes and Noble and I think it saved me. The book was called Good Grief and was written by Lolly Winston. That was the her first novel, which hit #1 on The New York Times Bestseller's List. I could give you a quick overview of the book, but I am not going to- instead, I am going to encourage you to READ IT!
The book had to do with a loss of a love one, and the process the person goes through- the grieving process. When I picked up the book, something just told me to buy it and read it. I did, and I am glad I did. It was emotional, and it was lifesaving. I had never dealt with a loss of a love one before, and this book explained to me the process of grief, and made what I was feeling- okay, normal, and understandable. Suddenly, I didn't feel alone, I felt like I belonged in the same group as the character in the story- a person trying to figure out why death occurs and what one can do to deal with the loss of someone you cared for.
The first two years after my brother's death, I stopped reading (with the exception of Good Grief) and I stopped writing (with the exception of what I had to write for school). Everything that was good in my life, I stopped doing. I simply stopped caring and my grades reflected that.
Grief had torn me apart, and if that wasn't enough- I decided it was time to come clean about who I was as a person. Life happened to me, and I had enough of it, I said "good grief" and threw my hands in the air. Of course, suicide came to mind, so much pain and misery- how could it not? But there was something to be said about the grieving process, and although it never truly ends, once you've begun the process you come to a point where it becomes okay to live again, okay to laugh, to smile, and to believe that there is still a reason to be alive.
Although a few years have gone by, there's still those moments of anger, those moments where I just start to cry out of nowhere, where I get flashbacks to the day I got the phone call. There will never be a day, where grief isn't a part of my life, but each day that passes, it makes it easier to deal with, to cope.
Life is a cycle, and we're all living in it and someday, I will reach the end of my cycle and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through- I want them to embrace grief much sooner than I did, I want them to remember all the good in me, and the bad that made me who I am. I want them to be proud of me, and allow my life to continue on, through theirs.
For anyone who knows me, who loves me, who may read this: One day, I will go, and when I do, I want you to keep my life alive through yours, of course you will cry, be hurt, get upset, but never stop living.
(DISCLAIMER: This is no indication of suicide, or of me dying prematurely, this is just a blog referring to grief, my experience and my hope for those who may be affected the day I do pass away, which I hope is no time soon-- too much stuff left to do on my "To Do" list.)
Saturday, December 25, 2010
A Son's Betrayal
"Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done? For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on. Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same, I still remember how you kept me so afraid, the strength is my mother for all the love she gave" -- Christina Aguilera "I'm Okay".
I spoke briefly about my relationship with my father in the blog, "Connections" which you may want to read before reading this one. It will help you connect the dots, and understand.
In June, I was completing a very important chapter in my life, I was graduating high school. I had called my father inviting him to attend, but before I made the phone call, I thought long and hard. A part of me thought he didn't deserve to share that special moment with me, because he had nothing to do with helping me get there. Yet, like so many times before, I gave in to my better judgement and told myself, "He is my dad, he should be included". My father gave me countless reasons why he couldn't come, and I thought to myself, "Really? You can't find any way of getting down to New Jersey for this very important day?".
After that conversation, I deleted his number and wanted nothing to do with the man that seemed to disregard every important aspect of my life. Before, it use to hurt so much, for me, I use to lie to myself, and tried to tell myself that he loved me.
Several months go by, and then he calls me. At this point, I am in my Fall Semester of college and I was busy when he called, so I hung up quickly. I didn't bother storing his number, and I had no intention of calling him back. Christmas Eve swings by, and he SO just happened to call me-- not having stored his number, I was unable to ignore him, and answered the phone.
Instantly, I realize it is him, but I ask "Who is it?", just so he would understand that I didn't have his number stored, so he could understand that I wasn't planning on using it. He goes on a rant talking about how he called me and I was too busy, and he said, "You tell people I've deserted you" [clearly a relative I recently spoke to on Facebook or got re-connect with, must have taken my words, and took it the wrong way]
For years, I took the fact that my father abandoned me personally- I thought it was all my fault. I use to cry, use to blame my mother, and I never once thought the fault lied upon him.
That was until I got older, until I was able to see with my own eyes, the very same reality my mother was trying to avoid me seeing- truth is, my father never cared about me, or any of his children in my opinion. My brother Kamal "Pupi" was murdered in January of 2007, and I believe it is the GUILT my father is feeling that has made him realize what a crappy father he has been. See the problem is that, my brother's unexpected death only made me more angry at my father. He was the reason why my step-mother had moved my older siblings to Buffalo, and although he wasn't the direct cause of death-- he wasn't a father to either of us, and instead of encouraging my brother to stop selling drugs, he enjoyed the perks that came with having a son who made money off selling illegal drugs.
He was so busy trying to be their friend, that he lost hope in trying to be their dad. Not that they would have listened, but still, he sat idle. Grief is his only motive for trying to make amends now, and he is simply nineteen years too late. I don't want anything to do with him, and I don't want to speak to him or have any interaction with him.
You are probably thinking that I am crazy for feeling this way, that I am selfish, and that I need to forgive and move on but I don't care to be honest.
It may come off to my relatives as a son's betrayal, but it's simple, all I am doing is the same thing he has done for years- I am just not taking the time to be a part of his life.
As crazy as it may seem, the fact that I spent years yearning for the day that my father would be a father, the truth is, I needed him the most when I was growing up, and now that I am a young man, all I need from him, is for him to stay away and keep his distance. I don't need anyone coming in after years of tears, sweat, hard work, heartache and suffering that my mother and I endured to try to take credit for all that I am today, and all that I have accomplished.
My mother may not be perfect, but she was more of a man then my father will ever be, and she raised me to be able to stand on my own without any support from my father. I actually hate the fact that I have to refer to him as that, because only the universe knows that he has been nothing short of a stranger in my life.
I feel a little bit of guilt, because he is sick and in his Mid-to late forties, but the matter at hand is that now he must deal with the errors of his ways, and recognize the fact that to me, he will mean nothing more to me, than a stranger.
A betrayal of a sort, but when a man doesn't even know what my favorite kind of foods are, or what my life is all about, he has no right to show up and try to get involved now. He can wait to read my first book, "Crippled But Not Broken: An Early Life Autobiography" when I am done writing it, like everyone else.
He may think it is just memories he missed out on, but for me, all that he can't recall, is a constant reminder that he never cared to begin with-- every morning that I wake, I think back on yesterday, and my yesterdays never included him- and neither will my tomorrows.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
What Do We Give?
The last six years of my life, has been filled with a lot of changes. Death and discord seemed to fill it and I am finally at a place where I can try to enjoy the holidays again.
Since I've been numb to it all in the last six years, I almost forgot what the holidays were all about. I forgot that it was about giving, and not receiving, and it's about love, and celebrating life. We get so caught up on gifts, on wrapping, and we seem to forget the true meaning of this holiday season.
We should be grateful for what we have, especially in this recession when so many have lost jobs, homes and for some, their lives. Just today, a friend of mine witness a man getting struck down by a van on a major highway, and she doesn't think he is going to make it. Just two days before Christmas, a family must deal with the fact that a love one may die. Yet, here I am wishing I had more money to buy more gifts for friends and love ones- instead, I should be wishing that all of the people in my life are safe and sound to celebrate the ending of this year, and the starting of the next. Because someone in the world right now, isn't going to have that chance.
I was talking to a friend, and he really inspired me to reflect about this time of the year, and myself. He was having a hard time and needed to vent. He talked about "giving"...what he gave, and how what he wants, is never given. It reminded me that while I may not be the most jolliest person around this time, I can appreciate it for what it is. I am a natural giver, and I would give you my last meal if that meant it would be the first meal you ate in weeks. I would give away special items to people, just because I believe everyone deserves to have a smile on their face.
Yes, sometimes I wish people would appreciate me more, and sometimes it's nice when someone says "Thank You" or when I get credit for all of my efforts, but what I do, and what I give, I do it because it's part of who I am- a natural giver.
What do we give though? Besides this one time of year, what do we give? Do we give enough thank you's to those who do small tasks in our every day life? Do we thank our mailman or woman? Do we thank our grandparents or parents, or whoever is responsible for our upbringing? Do we give thanks to our friends, the people we count on for a lot in our lives?
Do we give love to those who need it, hope to those who have lost it, and peace to those who have gone mad? In fact, most of us only take- most of us only know how to receive and not how to give back.
Get over the decorations, presents and drinks-- and take this time, and give it a deeper meaning. Let it be about love, life, peace and harmony. Let's stop taking and start giving back.
Since I've been numb to it all in the last six years, I almost forgot what the holidays were all about. I forgot that it was about giving, and not receiving, and it's about love, and celebrating life. We get so caught up on gifts, on wrapping, and we seem to forget the true meaning of this holiday season.
We should be grateful for what we have, especially in this recession when so many have lost jobs, homes and for some, their lives. Just today, a friend of mine witness a man getting struck down by a van on a major highway, and she doesn't think he is going to make it. Just two days before Christmas, a family must deal with the fact that a love one may die. Yet, here I am wishing I had more money to buy more gifts for friends and love ones- instead, I should be wishing that all of the people in my life are safe and sound to celebrate the ending of this year, and the starting of the next. Because someone in the world right now, isn't going to have that chance.
I was talking to a friend, and he really inspired me to reflect about this time of the year, and myself. He was having a hard time and needed to vent. He talked about "giving"...what he gave, and how what he wants, is never given. It reminded me that while I may not be the most jolliest person around this time, I can appreciate it for what it is. I am a natural giver, and I would give you my last meal if that meant it would be the first meal you ate in weeks. I would give away special items to people, just because I believe everyone deserves to have a smile on their face.
Yes, sometimes I wish people would appreciate me more, and sometimes it's nice when someone says "Thank You" or when I get credit for all of my efforts, but what I do, and what I give, I do it because it's part of who I am- a natural giver.
What do we give though? Besides this one time of year, what do we give? Do we give enough thank you's to those who do small tasks in our every day life? Do we thank our mailman or woman? Do we thank our grandparents or parents, or whoever is responsible for our upbringing? Do we give thanks to our friends, the people we count on for a lot in our lives?
Do we give love to those who need it, hope to those who have lost it, and peace to those who have gone mad? In fact, most of us only take- most of us only know how to receive and not how to give back.
Get over the decorations, presents and drinks-- and take this time, and give it a deeper meaning. Let it be about love, life, peace and harmony. Let's stop taking and start giving back.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Sex Machine: Automatic
Have you ever gone through a period in your life where sex seems to define everything? You're relationships, your interaction with men, or women, or even both.
When I first "came out", there was no one there to guide my way, no one to tell me to be careful, and no one to tell me that I could wait. Instead, I had individuals decide for me, decided what role I would play in this crazy film called life. They hammered at my self-esteem until all that was left, was my flesh and bone smashed.
At times, I felt my only value stemmed from my body, I guess in turn, that also affected the way I view my body, and myself. Of course I just gave up, fell down this pit where I became comfortable with my situation. A victim of circumstance, ignorance and stupidity. I thought, I wasn't good enough unless I gave whoever, whatever they wanted. See, I gave and gave, and just kept on giving and now there's nothing for me to give.
I feel like a black hole, just draining and destroying anything that is in my path--forgetting what it means to have a conversation through words, forgetting what it means to leave some imagination for the mind to ponder, forgetting I was not being served on a silver platter. My self-worth was determined by what other's thought I was worth, and that was my biggest mistake. I forgot that loving myself, was the most important person to love.
I began to self-loathe, I started giving up on myself, and I became this malfunctioned product. Suddenly, it all became automatic for me, and I was receiving no satisfaction from it afterwards.
It was as if every encounter removed one more layer of my self away, stripping me bare, until all that was left, was an image I couldn't stand to look at, a body I couldn't stand to live in, and skin that I wanted to scratch away.
After three years of living this way, I've decide that tonight, that all changes. I will learn to love myself unconditionally, to value myself like the diamond I am, and to teach others to respect my mind, body and spirit once I learned how to myself.
Some things in life aren't automatic, some things need to be done manually, and here I am, manually taking back my self-worth, my dignity and the love I lost for myself.
No longer will I be content with the vacancy that developed, no longer will I be a frail being with no sense of direction. I will find my own way, through my own journey of self-revalation.
Don't make the same mistake I did, always put yourself first, and never allow another person to mold you, create your own shape out of your clay, and love yourself that way.
When I first "came out", there was no one there to guide my way, no one to tell me to be careful, and no one to tell me that I could wait. Instead, I had individuals decide for me, decided what role I would play in this crazy film called life. They hammered at my self-esteem until all that was left, was my flesh and bone smashed.
At times, I felt my only value stemmed from my body, I guess in turn, that also affected the way I view my body, and myself. Of course I just gave up, fell down this pit where I became comfortable with my situation. A victim of circumstance, ignorance and stupidity. I thought, I wasn't good enough unless I gave whoever, whatever they wanted. See, I gave and gave, and just kept on giving and now there's nothing for me to give.
I feel like a black hole, just draining and destroying anything that is in my path--forgetting what it means to have a conversation through words, forgetting what it means to leave some imagination for the mind to ponder, forgetting I was not being served on a silver platter. My self-worth was determined by what other's thought I was worth, and that was my biggest mistake. I forgot that loving myself, was the most important person to love.
I began to self-loathe, I started giving up on myself, and I became this malfunctioned product. Suddenly, it all became automatic for me, and I was receiving no satisfaction from it afterwards.
It was as if every encounter removed one more layer of my self away, stripping me bare, until all that was left, was an image I couldn't stand to look at, a body I couldn't stand to live in, and skin that I wanted to scratch away.
After three years of living this way, I've decide that tonight, that all changes. I will learn to love myself unconditionally, to value myself like the diamond I am, and to teach others to respect my mind, body and spirit once I learned how to myself.
Some things in life aren't automatic, some things need to be done manually, and here I am, manually taking back my self-worth, my dignity and the love I lost for myself.
No longer will I be content with the vacancy that developed, no longer will I be a frail being with no sense of direction. I will find my own way, through my own journey of self-revalation.
Don't make the same mistake I did, always put yourself first, and never allow another person to mold you, create your own shape out of your clay, and love yourself that way.
Three Wishes
1) I wish I could turn back the hands of time and undo a lot of my wrongs. Take back all the hurtful words I spoke, all the degrading actions I took, and protect myself from becoming this toxic person.
2) I wish I could truly forgive all those who hurt me, but my ability to remember memories in such detail makes that hard for me. Even when I think I am ready to move on and let go, I get a flashback.
3) I wish I valued myself more, and not make myself disposable to others. I want the shedding to begin, so the past can remain there and I can live a happier future.
2) I wish I could truly forgive all those who hurt me, but my ability to remember memories in such detail makes that hard for me. Even when I think I am ready to move on and let go, I get a flashback.
3) I wish I valued myself more, and not make myself disposable to others. I want the shedding to begin, so the past can remain there and I can live a happier future.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Connections
Some of you may read this, and already know but for those who don't, well here it goes.
Growing up, I never had my father around. It was always my mother, sister, grandmother, aunts, and my grandfather. In fact, it wasn't until I was much older that I realized something was missing.
I remember the first time I could remember meeting my dad, he came with my younger siblings and step-mother. I felt oddly strange with the idea that I was suppose to hug this man, smile at this man, and say "I love you" to this man, who was a complete stranger to me.
As the years passed by, I began to build a relationship with the man who had abandoned me when I was in the womb. Initially, it was hard to adjust and build a bond with my half-siblings. The younger ones hated me at first, and made my visits to my father's home over the summer less than pleasant. However, one day- my siblings and I experienced something that changed our relationship forever.
One summer, I was visiting, it was the last time I went to stay over there since then, my father and my step-mother was experiencing a problem and suddenly, I was in a hostile environment watching my father get physically abusive towards my step-mom, and I saw the look that came across my younger brother and sister's face. Being the eldest, (I was just in middle school, going into 8th grade) I immediately knew to react, and stop the craziness I was witnessing.
That was the first time I was ever in the situation of domestic violence, and it was also the first time my father laid his hands on me. (He didn't know it then, but that would be his last time ever laying his hands on me) I called the police, and tried to convince my step-mother to do something I knew she couldn't, and wouldn't do. After so many years with the same craziness, you become immune to it.
It was as if my siblings had become so accustomed to this kind of event, that there wasn't the same fear I felt occurring within them.
To make what could be a very long blog shorter, I will say this- my father and I are estranged, and Facebook has been connecting me to several family members on my father's side. They write me and reach out and say, "I am..." whatever family tie they may have to me, and while I sincerely care for all my relatives, especially my siblings, and most dearest to my heart, Kamal, the one who passed away, it's hard to build sincere connections with these people who family to me.
It all stems from my disconnect with my father. The entire point behind this blog is to simply express the fact that although genetically you may have some connection to someone, that doesn't mean the connection will translate into a relationship or love. Whether you are family or not, the connection has to develop between people in time, and quite frankly, my father missed out on his time to connect with me.
Growing up, I never had my father around. It was always my mother, sister, grandmother, aunts, and my grandfather. In fact, it wasn't until I was much older that I realized something was missing.
I remember the first time I could remember meeting my dad, he came with my younger siblings and step-mother. I felt oddly strange with the idea that I was suppose to hug this man, smile at this man, and say "I love you" to this man, who was a complete stranger to me.
As the years passed by, I began to build a relationship with the man who had abandoned me when I was in the womb. Initially, it was hard to adjust and build a bond with my half-siblings. The younger ones hated me at first, and made my visits to my father's home over the summer less than pleasant. However, one day- my siblings and I experienced something that changed our relationship forever.
One summer, I was visiting, it was the last time I went to stay over there since then, my father and my step-mother was experiencing a problem and suddenly, I was in a hostile environment watching my father get physically abusive towards my step-mom, and I saw the look that came across my younger brother and sister's face. Being the eldest, (I was just in middle school, going into 8th grade) I immediately knew to react, and stop the craziness I was witnessing.
That was the first time I was ever in the situation of domestic violence, and it was also the first time my father laid his hands on me. (He didn't know it then, but that would be his last time ever laying his hands on me) I called the police, and tried to convince my step-mother to do something I knew she couldn't, and wouldn't do. After so many years with the same craziness, you become immune to it.
It was as if my siblings had become so accustomed to this kind of event, that there wasn't the same fear I felt occurring within them.
To make what could be a very long blog shorter, I will say this- my father and I are estranged, and Facebook has been connecting me to several family members on my father's side. They write me and reach out and say, "I am..." whatever family tie they may have to me, and while I sincerely care for all my relatives, especially my siblings, and most dearest to my heart, Kamal, the one who passed away, it's hard to build sincere connections with these people who family to me.
It all stems from my disconnect with my father. The entire point behind this blog is to simply express the fact that although genetically you may have some connection to someone, that doesn't mean the connection will translate into a relationship or love. Whether you are family or not, the connection has to develop between people in time, and quite frankly, my father missed out on his time to connect with me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Better Man
This post is dedicated to a special person-- he and I went through a lot in the last few years, and somehow, we've managed to end up here- as better men. To BM.
Today I visited someone who I went to high school with, and he and I haven't seen each other since the summer time. We're almost in January, and it's been so long. It seems that college has had a positive effect on him, my gut tells me he is a better man because of it.
As much as I disagreed with a lot of what he did, and butted heads with this individual, he is the reason why I even got the chance to start dancing. He choreographed my first piece, to the song "His Eyes Is On The Sparrow", and from then, my life would change drastically.
We both did some grimy things to one another, some things I wish I could take back, and some things I am sure he wishes he never did. Yet, this isn't about dwelling on the past, it's about recognizing the fact that he seems to have become a better man. Now only time will tell if he is truly the new man he claims to be, but I hope that this new chapter in our lives allows for the past to be forgotten, and the future to be bright.
I hope we can take this fresh slate and build a friendship that lasts a lifetime-- because now we are better men and no longer the immature boys we once were.
Before you give up on someone, give them the chance to get better, to improve, to change and show the fact that they truly can grow as a person.
Today I visited someone who I went to high school with, and he and I haven't seen each other since the summer time. We're almost in January, and it's been so long. It seems that college has had a positive effect on him, my gut tells me he is a better man because of it.
As much as I disagreed with a lot of what he did, and butted heads with this individual, he is the reason why I even got the chance to start dancing. He choreographed my first piece, to the song "His Eyes Is On The Sparrow", and from then, my life would change drastically.
We both did some grimy things to one another, some things I wish I could take back, and some things I am sure he wishes he never did. Yet, this isn't about dwelling on the past, it's about recognizing the fact that he seems to have become a better man. Now only time will tell if he is truly the new man he claims to be, but I hope that this new chapter in our lives allows for the past to be forgotten, and the future to be bright.
I hope we can take this fresh slate and build a friendship that lasts a lifetime-- because now we are better men and no longer the immature boys we once were.
Before you give up on someone, give them the chance to get better, to improve, to change and show the fact that they truly can grow as a person.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Body Image: A Man's Tale
"Everyone knows women who have body image issues. The secret: men have them too"-- Jill Neimark
When we think of body image, what gender is the first gender that comes to mind? Females right? Well if you are living in the society I am in, then yes you would connect body image with women.
But as the quote above points out, men have them too. In many recent studies and information gathered by various sources- men are just preoccupied with their looks as women are. What's crazier, is that women are also more concerned with how a man looks, which puts that old saying, that men can be heavy, with their stomachs hanging and they can still get a woman.
What's even more shocking about this new rise of concern for body image in men, is that "Dr. Murray Drummond, men's health lecturer at the University of South Australia estimates that 5- 10% of people with eating disorders are men. And according to psychotherapist Abigail H. Natenshon, 20% of those men are gay." (from About.com).
Yet, this is clearly underrepresented in mainstream society, and not a topic that people discuss in any way. In fact, I've been in workshops about health, and heard many people talk about eating disorders when it comes to women, but not once have I ever heard anyone bring up the fact that body image affects men as well.
Before I started dancing three years ago, I was this short, chubby kid who ate whatever, and whenever he wanted. But I remember I was performing for the first time ever in a dance, and a man came up to me and told me, "You were great, but it would have been better if you would tone up"-- I of course took it as his way of saying I was too fat, and needed to tone out my body.
From that moment forward, I became obsessed with my weight, and the people around me weren't shy about the fact that I could lose a few pounds. Now while I wouldn't say I developed a disorder, I will say that I developed bad habits. Those habits included going hours without eating, sometimes an entire day before eating. I would eat smaller portions and dance much more to increase my physical activity. I stopped eating fast food, cut out soda, and didn't eat seconds at dinners.
I began to lose a lot of weight, and people were giving me compliments initially. Then, people began to worry that I was losing too much weight. As much as I love my mentor, she added to my problem. When I was losing the weight, she seemed supportive and said I look great, and when others began to bring up the fact that I was too skinny, she then began to tell me I need to gain some weight.
Other teachers said I looked sick-- and I was so torn. I was losing weight and I felt great. The guys seemed to like my new look and I was loving all of the attention. In the last three years, my weight has been a major struggle for me. All of my weight goes to my stomach, and while my face, arms and legs may seem skinny, I have a huge gut. The fact that I struggle with my weight so much, really bothers me. It makes me really unhappy at times, and even ugly.
But when we live in a society where body image issues only seem to occur with women, it's easy to slip under the cracks, to feel depressed and not know what to do to make yourself feel better emotionally and physically.
Tonight I was at my best friend's house, and I love her family dearly. My two best friends and I have gained some weight since being in college (Call it the Freshman 15 if you'd like) but my best friend's little sister said something to me while I was eating dinner that really hit me hard.
"Mark I'm sorry but you really are fat"-- now we spent the day talking about our weight gain, and kind of making a mockery of it, and while I love my best friend's little sister and I know she was saying it innocently, it made me realize I gained more weight that I would have liked.
For weeks, I looked myself in the mirror without clothes and I cringed when I looked down and saw my stomach. I feel this added pressure to lose it, to work out...but I don't want to get into those bad habits again.
I feel down, and unsure of what to do--whether you're straight or gay, no man wants to feel fat, or unhappy with the way they look. I hope my testimony will help other men who are having body image issues, that they are NOT alone and that there are others feeling the same way- even if society doesn't think so.
When we think of body image, what gender is the first gender that comes to mind? Females right? Well if you are living in the society I am in, then yes you would connect body image with women.
But as the quote above points out, men have them too. In many recent studies and information gathered by various sources- men are just preoccupied with their looks as women are. What's crazier, is that women are also more concerned with how a man looks, which puts that old saying, that men can be heavy, with their stomachs hanging and they can still get a woman.
What's even more shocking about this new rise of concern for body image in men, is that "Dr. Murray Drummond, men's health lecturer at the University of South Australia estimates that 5- 10% of people with eating disorders are men. And according to psychotherapist Abigail H. Natenshon, 20% of those men are gay." (from About.com).
Yet, this is clearly underrepresented in mainstream society, and not a topic that people discuss in any way. In fact, I've been in workshops about health, and heard many people talk about eating disorders when it comes to women, but not once have I ever heard anyone bring up the fact that body image affects men as well.
Before I started dancing three years ago, I was this short, chubby kid who ate whatever, and whenever he wanted. But I remember I was performing for the first time ever in a dance, and a man came up to me and told me, "You were great, but it would have been better if you would tone up"-- I of course took it as his way of saying I was too fat, and needed to tone out my body.
From that moment forward, I became obsessed with my weight, and the people around me weren't shy about the fact that I could lose a few pounds. Now while I wouldn't say I developed a disorder, I will say that I developed bad habits. Those habits included going hours without eating, sometimes an entire day before eating. I would eat smaller portions and dance much more to increase my physical activity. I stopped eating fast food, cut out soda, and didn't eat seconds at dinners.
I began to lose a lot of weight, and people were giving me compliments initially. Then, people began to worry that I was losing too much weight. As much as I love my mentor, she added to my problem. When I was losing the weight, she seemed supportive and said I look great, and when others began to bring up the fact that I was too skinny, she then began to tell me I need to gain some weight.
Other teachers said I looked sick-- and I was so torn. I was losing weight and I felt great. The guys seemed to like my new look and I was loving all of the attention. In the last three years, my weight has been a major struggle for me. All of my weight goes to my stomach, and while my face, arms and legs may seem skinny, I have a huge gut. The fact that I struggle with my weight so much, really bothers me. It makes me really unhappy at times, and even ugly.
But when we live in a society where body image issues only seem to occur with women, it's easy to slip under the cracks, to feel depressed and not know what to do to make yourself feel better emotionally and physically.
Tonight I was at my best friend's house, and I love her family dearly. My two best friends and I have gained some weight since being in college (Call it the Freshman 15 if you'd like) but my best friend's little sister said something to me while I was eating dinner that really hit me hard.
"Mark I'm sorry but you really are fat"-- now we spent the day talking about our weight gain, and kind of making a mockery of it, and while I love my best friend's little sister and I know she was saying it innocently, it made me realize I gained more weight that I would have liked.
For weeks, I looked myself in the mirror without clothes and I cringed when I looked down and saw my stomach. I feel this added pressure to lose it, to work out...but I don't want to get into those bad habits again.
I feel down, and unsure of what to do--whether you're straight or gay, no man wants to feel fat, or unhappy with the way they look. I hope my testimony will help other men who are having body image issues, that they are NOT alone and that there are others feeling the same way- even if society doesn't think so.
Deception
Has anyone ever tried to deceive you? Think that you were not smart enough to find out?
How do you decide what to be mad at? The fact that the person lied, or that they underestimated your intelligence?
Deception is running rapid in our society. It's as if everyone has lost their moral compass. The truth has become taboo, something we aren't suppose to tell. It starts from childhood- our families deceive us into believing that Santa Clause exists, along with the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. But why do we do that? Why do we instill in them the idea of lying at such a young age? Doesn't that show them that it's okay to lie? I mean, when is it ever okay to use deception, to alter the way another should think?
Society does it all the time, different news media, and social media as well. What we believe, is determined by how we receive our information, who gives it to us, and I think we've lost our ability to tell the truth.
In fact, most truths are partial, and never completely the truth. We think that people can't handle the truth, we want to spare their feelings, well guess what? DO NOT do that...telling it for what it is is essential. In fact, they may get hurt by it, but that's not why we avoid the truth, we avoid it because we don't want to get hurt by it--because we don't want the guilt that comes along with admitting your mistakes and lies.
That is selfish of us, and selfish to the person or group of people we are lying to. Deception is a scapegoat, a way to coward out of telling someone something you just don't want to admit to.
Spineless and foolish of us to believe that the truth isn't important...in fact, if we stopped telling lies, people would begin to hear and see the things they've been sheltered from.
-Global Warming is happening, there is truth in that theory.
-Gay people are not all crazy and wild, there is truth in that statement.
-America needs to really be all about freedom and justice for all, there is truth in the fact that America isn't that.
I could go on and on...but you see, deception is relevant in our society and unless we START GETTING HONEST, and STOP BEING LIARS- we are going to destroy the power and beauty of the truth.
How do you decide what to be mad at? The fact that the person lied, or that they underestimated your intelligence?
Deception is running rapid in our society. It's as if everyone has lost their moral compass. The truth has become taboo, something we aren't suppose to tell. It starts from childhood- our families deceive us into believing that Santa Clause exists, along with the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. But why do we do that? Why do we instill in them the idea of lying at such a young age? Doesn't that show them that it's okay to lie? I mean, when is it ever okay to use deception, to alter the way another should think?
Society does it all the time, different news media, and social media as well. What we believe, is determined by how we receive our information, who gives it to us, and I think we've lost our ability to tell the truth.
In fact, most truths are partial, and never completely the truth. We think that people can't handle the truth, we want to spare their feelings, well guess what? DO NOT do that...telling it for what it is is essential. In fact, they may get hurt by it, but that's not why we avoid the truth, we avoid it because we don't want to get hurt by it--because we don't want the guilt that comes along with admitting your mistakes and lies.
That is selfish of us, and selfish to the person or group of people we are lying to. Deception is a scapegoat, a way to coward out of telling someone something you just don't want to admit to.
Spineless and foolish of us to believe that the truth isn't important...in fact, if we stopped telling lies, people would begin to hear and see the things they've been sheltered from.
-Global Warming is happening, there is truth in that theory.
-Gay people are not all crazy and wild, there is truth in that statement.
-America needs to really be all about freedom and justice for all, there is truth in the fact that America isn't that.
I could go on and on...but you see, deception is relevant in our society and unless we START GETTING HONEST, and STOP BEING LIARS- we are going to destroy the power and beauty of the truth.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
His T-Shirt
He and I had shared a night that I've never shared with anyone else. He watched me as I snored, he gently rubbed my thigh, and he woke me up in the middle of the night.
His bed felt like a beanbag, and my body just melted in it. I wore his t-shirt and I felt warm within his embrace.
It was a dream, having someone holding me with so much affection, so much passion, so much emotion. When I feel lonely, or down, I put on his t-shirt, and recall that night. It was a night I can never forget. I also wear his t-shirt to make a fashion statement, that vintage kind of look- oversized shirt, with skinny jeans and a nice hat= one good looking guy.
A part of me thought that I should throw away his t-shirt, but then I remembered, just because something ended, doesn't mean you can't remember what it was like when it was still going. Sometimes it's just as important to remember the good memories, because that reminds you that all the pain and tears were worth something.
And if nothing else, at least I got a cute shirt out of it. Right?
His bed felt like a beanbag, and my body just melted in it. I wore his t-shirt and I felt warm within his embrace.
It was a dream, having someone holding me with so much affection, so much passion, so much emotion. When I feel lonely, or down, I put on his t-shirt, and recall that night. It was a night I can never forget. I also wear his t-shirt to make a fashion statement, that vintage kind of look- oversized shirt, with skinny jeans and a nice hat= one good looking guy.
A part of me thought that I should throw away his t-shirt, but then I remembered, just because something ended, doesn't mean you can't remember what it was like when it was still going. Sometimes it's just as important to remember the good memories, because that reminds you that all the pain and tears were worth something.
And if nothing else, at least I got a cute shirt out of it. Right?
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Push
How many times have you tried to walk through a door, or tried to pull it when the door states "PUSH"? Clearly, there is a moment of embarrassment and then you quickly push the door open.
Could you imagine the differenence there would be in our personal lives if, like with the door, we just push through and move on even when we are forced to deal with a situation. Moving on, pushing forward, and leaving the past in the past is a difficult task. Our memories won't let us forget, and our hearts can't mend the wound fast enough, and the tracks where our tears fell, leaves a dry stain- a visible reminder.
We may hoarder on to these feelings for days, weeks, months, and for some, years before we have that moment when our lungs contract, our chest tightens, and our body stiffens, followed by a sigh.
Recently, after a year and a half of an on and off again relationship with someone, he and I both realized it was ending, but I didn't know it would all go down the way it did. For the sake of his privacy, I won't get into details but when my comfort zone was crumbling before my eyes, I couldn't believe it. A part of me was in denial, thinking that he and I would make it work like every other time in our lives. However, this time- it felt different! I began to get angry, sad, and tears developed and for the first time in the past year and a half, I was going to have to push forward, knowing that there wouldn't be a moment of returning to his arms. This time, we were done, and for good this time.
And then, after a few days of feeling down, teary eye, and over analyzing every detail, there came a point when I felt a sense of relief, the pressure eased and suddenly I realized- I began the process of moving on. It is all new to me, moving on, the entire process- when you develop feelings for someone else, and your lives begin to interlock, it's hard to imagine how different it will be without them in it.
Yet, despite the difficulties, I am learning that I have to continue to push myself, and not allow myself to give up and get stuck in the situation. The silver lining of one ending, is that there is a new beginning, waiting to be started, you just have to push far enough to get there.
Could you imagine the differenence there would be in our personal lives if, like with the door, we just push through and move on even when we are forced to deal with a situation. Moving on, pushing forward, and leaving the past in the past is a difficult task. Our memories won't let us forget, and our hearts can't mend the wound fast enough, and the tracks where our tears fell, leaves a dry stain- a visible reminder.
We may hoarder on to these feelings for days, weeks, months, and for some, years before we have that moment when our lungs contract, our chest tightens, and our body stiffens, followed by a sigh.
Recently, after a year and a half of an on and off again relationship with someone, he and I both realized it was ending, but I didn't know it would all go down the way it did. For the sake of his privacy, I won't get into details but when my comfort zone was crumbling before my eyes, I couldn't believe it. A part of me was in denial, thinking that he and I would make it work like every other time in our lives. However, this time- it felt different! I began to get angry, sad, and tears developed and for the first time in the past year and a half, I was going to have to push forward, knowing that there wouldn't be a moment of returning to his arms. This time, we were done, and for good this time.
And then, after a few days of feeling down, teary eye, and over analyzing every detail, there came a point when I felt a sense of relief, the pressure eased and suddenly I realized- I began the process of moving on. It is all new to me, moving on, the entire process- when you develop feelings for someone else, and your lives begin to interlock, it's hard to imagine how different it will be without them in it.
Yet, despite the difficulties, I am learning that I have to continue to push myself, and not allow myself to give up and get stuck in the situation. The silver lining of one ending, is that there is a new beginning, waiting to be started, you just have to push far enough to get there.
Aurin Is Reading, Are You?
I want to start off that I know in the past, I have abandoned my blog, and in return, now realizing, whoever else is out there who actually enjoyed reading my thoughts, my feelings and so forth.
A few minutes ago I received a heart felt message from a young lady I met through a mutual friend via Facebook. She had read "The Secret Society" and I am assuming a few other of my blogs.
"Honey you don't have to thank me. I honestly really appreciate the fact that you have a blog and how honest you are in it. What is interesting about having a blog is that you never really know who will end up reading it and how they will react you know? And for the most part, I would think that most people would either disagree completely, disregard, or criticize the thoughts i have written. However, your blog is seriously the first one i have read where I actually feel like someone is addressing some of the feelings I have inside. I mean obviously this is a long ass wall post lol but i just want to say keep feeling, keep thinking, keep writing because you never know who you are speaking for/to in your blog."-Aurin
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my words mean more than I thought they did. I never thought about who might be reading this, who might feel like they could relate, until Aurin wrote me that heartfelt message and suddenly, I discovered I had a greater responsibilities-- to continue to voice the concerns, worries, frustrations and thoughts of others who may not be able to, or know how to.
My Facebook profile gives me a wide network of people in which my words can touch.
I know Aurin is going to read this, so I wanted to give her a SPECIAL thanks for helping me come to this realization.
Please continue to check You've Been Marked...because starting the 17th of December, there will be a blog written every day until January 20th, when school resumes again, and then the Blog commitment will have to change due to my schedule.
I guess I will commit to writing ONE BLOG a week from that point on.
Thank you to all those who read this, to all of those who reach out to me via Facebook, and to anyone else who may want to reach out to me-- feel free to email me at marktravisrivera@gmail.com and let me know what you think, or feel free to ask me questions.
Best wishes,
Mark
A few minutes ago I received a heart felt message from a young lady I met through a mutual friend via Facebook. She had read "The Secret Society" and I am assuming a few other of my blogs.
"Honey you don't have to thank me. I honestly really appreciate the fact that you have a blog and how honest you are in it. What is interesting about having a blog is that you never really know who will end up reading it and how they will react you know? And for the most part, I would think that most people would either disagree completely, disregard, or criticize the thoughts i have written. However, your blog is seriously the first one i have read where I actually feel like someone is addressing some of the feelings I have inside. I mean obviously this is a long ass wall post lol but i just want to say keep feeling, keep thinking, keep writing because you never know who you are speaking for/to in your blog."-Aurin
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my words mean more than I thought they did. I never thought about who might be reading this, who might feel like they could relate, until Aurin wrote me that heartfelt message and suddenly, I discovered I had a greater responsibilities-- to continue to voice the concerns, worries, frustrations and thoughts of others who may not be able to, or know how to.
My Facebook profile gives me a wide network of people in which my words can touch.
I know Aurin is going to read this, so I wanted to give her a SPECIAL thanks for helping me come to this realization.
Please continue to check You've Been Marked...because starting the 17th of December, there will be a blog written every day until January 20th, when school resumes again, and then the Blog commitment will have to change due to my schedule.
I guess I will commit to writing ONE BLOG a week from that point on.
Thank you to all those who read this, to all of those who reach out to me via Facebook, and to anyone else who may want to reach out to me-- feel free to email me at marktravisrivera@gmail.com and let me know what you think, or feel free to ask me questions.
Best wishes,
Mark
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Secret Society
For decades, the idea of secrecy has plagued the Gay community at large. Although the idea of secrecy is not inclusive to just minorities who are gay, I have found it to be the most prominent for gay minorities, in particular, Blacks and Latinos.
Back in the 50's and 60's- the Gay community began to form underground communities in bars and other nightclubs, and while they were doing it way before then, it wasn't until the Stonewall Riot that the "Above Ground Underground" became the center of the issues for gays, and the need for liberation arose. After the riot, and the days that followed it, many felt the urge to be open, and those who would have been hiding behind closed doors, suddenly realized they needed to join the movement. [please google Stonewall Riot of 1969 for background information]
Yet, 41 years later and many gay Americans are still living in "The Secret Society"--the idea that they must stay underground and not speak openly about who they are. Now while I believe everyone has their right to privacy and may decide not to share it with the entire world, I think there is a serious issue when it becomes the "down low" situation.
According to About.com, the "down low" refers to men who discreetly have sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women are said to be on the "down low" (or "DL" for short). Yet, I believe that the "DL" can also refer to men who may be single, and may be seeking relationships with women, while still seeking sexual fulfillment from other men. While this issue has been covered by mass media and social media as an issue affecting African-Americans, it is also affecting other minorities within the gay community.
I believe that cultural influences and expectations give way for many to be on the down low, or in hiding, only adding to the pressure of the secret society. While many gay Americans are fighting for equality and justice, we are forgetting about one of the biggest issue that affects our community--secrecy. We have a responsibility to ourselves, to others like us, and to heterosexuals to educate and promote acceptance, especially among the African-Americans and Hispanic groups.
Personally, one major problem I have with men who are on the "down low" or in hiding, is that they allow people like me, minorities, who were brave enough to be open, to take all of the heat. Could you imagine the impact that a man, who is part of one of the major Black Fraternities in the country, could have if he was open about his interest in men? [referring to an individual I came across last night]. Or just the simple fact that more and more Black and Latino men are willing to stand up and speak out, because there is strength in numbers. No longer will I or anyone like me, have to be the sole target, and who would target a big group without meeting resistance?
In addition, I think of the women, those who have no idea what is going on behind closed doors, in the Internet browser history, and secret messages. Part of me feels bad for them, and another part of me feels angry because these men are playing with people's emotions- which will always end badly.
All of this is occurring because we've built a secret society, the idea that we can not be open and honest is a shadow, hovering over everyone. How can any real equality come, when far too many of us, rather pass [refers to a man who many would consider to be straight, and never think that they were gay] then be honest, whether out of fear or uncertainty?
My biggest hope is that this society that many of us have contribute to, crumbles and that from the debris--rises a new generation of freed people, of people that can be honest with themselves and others around them without fear of repression, isolation or harm.
Back in the 50's and 60's- the Gay community began to form underground communities in bars and other nightclubs, and while they were doing it way before then, it wasn't until the Stonewall Riot that the "Above Ground Underground" became the center of the issues for gays, and the need for liberation arose. After the riot, and the days that followed it, many felt the urge to be open, and those who would have been hiding behind closed doors, suddenly realized they needed to join the movement. [please google Stonewall Riot of 1969 for background information]
Yet, 41 years later and many gay Americans are still living in "The Secret Society"--the idea that they must stay underground and not speak openly about who they are. Now while I believe everyone has their right to privacy and may decide not to share it with the entire world, I think there is a serious issue when it becomes the "down low" situation.
According to About.com, the "down low" refers to men who discreetly have sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women are said to be on the "down low" (or "DL" for short). Yet, I believe that the "DL" can also refer to men who may be single, and may be seeking relationships with women, while still seeking sexual fulfillment from other men. While this issue has been covered by mass media and social media as an issue affecting African-Americans, it is also affecting other minorities within the gay community.
I believe that cultural influences and expectations give way for many to be on the down low, or in hiding, only adding to the pressure of the secret society. While many gay Americans are fighting for equality and justice, we are forgetting about one of the biggest issue that affects our community--secrecy. We have a responsibility to ourselves, to others like us, and to heterosexuals to educate and promote acceptance, especially among the African-Americans and Hispanic groups.
Personally, one major problem I have with men who are on the "down low" or in hiding, is that they allow people like me, minorities, who were brave enough to be open, to take all of the heat. Could you imagine the impact that a man, who is part of one of the major Black Fraternities in the country, could have if he was open about his interest in men? [referring to an individual I came across last night]. Or just the simple fact that more and more Black and Latino men are willing to stand up and speak out, because there is strength in numbers. No longer will I or anyone like me, have to be the sole target, and who would target a big group without meeting resistance?
In addition, I think of the women, those who have no idea what is going on behind closed doors, in the Internet browser history, and secret messages. Part of me feels bad for them, and another part of me feels angry because these men are playing with people's emotions- which will always end badly.
All of this is occurring because we've built a secret society, the idea that we can not be open and honest is a shadow, hovering over everyone. How can any real equality come, when far too many of us, rather pass [refers to a man who many would consider to be straight, and never think that they were gay] then be honest, whether out of fear or uncertainty?
My biggest hope is that this society that many of us have contribute to, crumbles and that from the debris--rises a new generation of freed people, of people that can be honest with themselves and others around them without fear of repression, isolation or harm.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Two Months...
Can't believe it's been two months since I've last blogged.
This is going to be a brief update:
COLLEGE has been keeping me busy, sadly, but joyfully so.
My dance company is officially a chartered SGA club at William Paterson Uni, marked dance project (a subset of Hand-Cap Dance).
Double majoring in college: Communications/Political Science.
Loving my life right now, and college has opened my eyes so much and I've met some amazing people.
As finals approach, I am looking forward to Winter Break and to be able to blog, my goal is to post a blog every day from December 17th-January 20th. [Winter Break period].
Since around, and remember, you've been marked!
This is going to be a brief update:
COLLEGE has been keeping me busy, sadly, but joyfully so.
My dance company is officially a chartered SGA club at William Paterson Uni, marked dance project (a subset of Hand-Cap Dance).
Double majoring in college: Communications/Political Science.
Loving my life right now, and college has opened my eyes so much and I've met some amazing people.
As finals approach, I am looking forward to Winter Break and to be able to blog, my goal is to post a blog every day from December 17th-January 20th. [Winter Break period].
Since around, and remember, you've been marked!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
To Be Continued...
Well I've gotten through the first month of my Fall Semester and what an intense first month it has been.
I think it's amazing how college can either break you or make you, how it makes you realize more about yourself in a short time, then ever before--or so this has been my personal experience.
In a month, I've had to come to grips with some harsh reality such as, encountering people who will dislike you simply because of who you are, others who will use you for their own reasons, and the fact that you can have hundreds of friends and still feel lonely at night time.
To be honest, I am adjusting and the adjustment for me has been quite difficult. Yes, I am still that social butterfly, and that will never change--but I also feel alone at the same time. It's odd because when I walk around, people know me, and they speak to me and I am really active on campus. However, I can't seem to shake the isolation and that is the worse part I guess of being in college and not back at my high school.
I've become so accustomed to the sheltered environment that I spent the last four years at...and now I am in the real world, dealing with real issues--and love is still on the backburner.
To be continued...
I think it's amazing how college can either break you or make you, how it makes you realize more about yourself in a short time, then ever before--or so this has been my personal experience.
In a month, I've had to come to grips with some harsh reality such as, encountering people who will dislike you simply because of who you are, others who will use you for their own reasons, and the fact that you can have hundreds of friends and still feel lonely at night time.
To be honest, I am adjusting and the adjustment for me has been quite difficult. Yes, I am still that social butterfly, and that will never change--but I also feel alone at the same time. It's odd because when I walk around, people know me, and they speak to me and I am really active on campus. However, I can't seem to shake the isolation and that is the worse part I guess of being in college and not back at my high school.
I've become so accustomed to the sheltered environment that I spent the last four years at...and now I am in the real world, dealing with real issues--and love is still on the backburner.
To be continued...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Mark of Higher Education
I have not written a blog since my Summer vacation. College has a way of making you busy, and somehow, maintaining your personal blogsite gets pushed down the importance pole.
Since doing the Educational Opportunity Fund over the summer for 6 weeks, and being in the third week of my Fall Semester, I am starting to realize the mark that higher education leaves on you. Although challenging, I feel that college has made me a smarter individual, and even I am surprised at how well I seem to be doing in my classes. (Italian is quite a challenge, something about learning a language, just doesn't click with me). Nonetheless, I am excited for all that is waiting for me, and I absolutely love my student job in the Political Science department as the Student Assistant.
While pursuing my Communications degree, I've decided I will minor in Political Science. My goal is to graduate with my undergraduate degree with a Grade Point Average that is between the range of 3.8-4.0. I need a high GPA if I plan on obtaining my Masters in Communications from Columbia University(CU has one of the best Journalism programs in the Country). I may not have done my very best in high school, but I will be sure to do my very best in college.
I want higher education to mark my future destination--I want to explore the world and enlighten others in the process.
Since doing the Educational Opportunity Fund over the summer for 6 weeks, and being in the third week of my Fall Semester, I am starting to realize the mark that higher education leaves on you. Although challenging, I feel that college has made me a smarter individual, and even I am surprised at how well I seem to be doing in my classes. (Italian is quite a challenge, something about learning a language, just doesn't click with me). Nonetheless, I am excited for all that is waiting for me, and I absolutely love my student job in the Political Science department as the Student Assistant.
While pursuing my Communications degree, I've decided I will minor in Political Science. My goal is to graduate with my undergraduate degree with a Grade Point Average that is between the range of 3.8-4.0. I need a high GPA if I plan on obtaining my Masters in Communications from Columbia University(CU has one of the best Journalism programs in the Country). I may not have done my very best in high school, but I will be sure to do my very best in college.
I want higher education to mark my future destination--I want to explore the world and enlighten others in the process.
Monday, August 16, 2010
This I Believe
(Before you read this, I have to state that I wrote everything below out of pure emotion and didn't take the writing structure or any of that kind of stuff into consideration- when the anger is gone, I will re-visit this blog and edit it.)
I am a very strong person, and I stand for what I believe in and while I've had a lot of struggle in my life, I try to see the good things in life. Whenever the discussion of religion comes up, I cringe- because for most of my life, I've spent it at the church, being involved, worshipping, attending as many services as I could.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with a struggle that I had been struggling with for a long time, I was a Gay believer. Yes, I figured out that I was gay, yet, I kept involvement in the church, and my faith was steady-- then I started to struggle because the little boy that use to doubt the lessons he learned in Sunday School, came out again, the little boy who doubted, provoked me to think.
Church had become nothing more than a political platform, the norm, what was expected of you by society and less about God. While I am aware of what the bible says, so spare me your vomit of scripture, I knew that God loved me despite of the "sin"- notice how homosexuality became the mainstream sin? The one that give other "Christians" the right to call someone else a fag, to show hate instead of love for thy neighbor.
The church became the poster child for hate and discrimination for homosexuals in America, so please remind me about the love of Jesus Christ, because that has been lacking.
Tonight, my aunt pressed me to go with her to some worship service, and as a way to spend time with her, and to make her happy- I went, despite the fact that I made the personal choice to STOP going to religious institutions of any kind, despite my better judgment, I went.
From the moment I got there, I felt like I couldn't breathe- all this talk of salvation, love, breaking off the shackles, removing the bondage. I was thrown into a place that I had long forgotten, the place I avoided-- because I was not connecting with God in that way, my relationship became estranged because church became a place where I felt judged, that place where people had to smile in your face, while gossiping behind your back. That place that spoke about the Love of God, yet, rarely showed it in times when it was most needed. You might be thinking that I am going off on a rant because of my own personal experience but let me assure you, I am not alone, and there are many out there who have had experiences with the church.
I am gay, I don't need to be swaddled, I don't need to be given sheets of paper with scripture references, and I didn't need to hear the word abomination over and over again. I needed to hear that God loves you despite your, well what we consider flaws, that you can still have a relationship with God, even through your gayness.
Tonight I also learned that my aunt still hopes that I will end up being straight- and I bluntly told her that I loved her and that me being straight was NOT going to happen. I told her I am gay, and that is the way I am and that wasn't going to change. We debated whether or not a person was born gay or if it was something that was nurtured.
I love my aunt a lot, but the fact that she still has this false hope is ridiculous.
My cousin and I just finished having a discussion on the same issue, and she said that 2 gay people together is wrong, that you decide to be gay and I explained to her that no one decides to become a target for another person's bigotry. Recently, there's been this "bi-sexual" trend occurring in our society because of Pop Culture, but people like me, who being gay is who they are and not just some fad, it's a reality that we have to deal with on a constant basis.
I want to imagine a place where everyone could live life in peace, living as they please- with no religious propaganda, because the world would be a better place if we just showed acceptance, love and equality, this I believe.
I am a very strong person, and I stand for what I believe in and while I've had a lot of struggle in my life, I try to see the good things in life. Whenever the discussion of religion comes up, I cringe- because for most of my life, I've spent it at the church, being involved, worshipping, attending as many services as I could.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with a struggle that I had been struggling with for a long time, I was a Gay believer. Yes, I figured out that I was gay, yet, I kept involvement in the church, and my faith was steady-- then I started to struggle because the little boy that use to doubt the lessons he learned in Sunday School, came out again, the little boy who doubted, provoked me to think.
Church had become nothing more than a political platform, the norm, what was expected of you by society and less about God. While I am aware of what the bible says, so spare me your vomit of scripture, I knew that God loved me despite of the "sin"- notice how homosexuality became the mainstream sin? The one that give other "Christians" the right to call someone else a fag, to show hate instead of love for thy neighbor.
The church became the poster child for hate and discrimination for homosexuals in America, so please remind me about the love of Jesus Christ, because that has been lacking.
Tonight, my aunt pressed me to go with her to some worship service, and as a way to spend time with her, and to make her happy- I went, despite the fact that I made the personal choice to STOP going to religious institutions of any kind, despite my better judgment, I went.
From the moment I got there, I felt like I couldn't breathe- all this talk of salvation, love, breaking off the shackles, removing the bondage. I was thrown into a place that I had long forgotten, the place I avoided-- because I was not connecting with God in that way, my relationship became estranged because church became a place where I felt judged, that place where people had to smile in your face, while gossiping behind your back. That place that spoke about the Love of God, yet, rarely showed it in times when it was most needed. You might be thinking that I am going off on a rant because of my own personal experience but let me assure you, I am not alone, and there are many out there who have had experiences with the church.
I am gay, I don't need to be swaddled, I don't need to be given sheets of paper with scripture references, and I didn't need to hear the word abomination over and over again. I needed to hear that God loves you despite your, well what we consider flaws, that you can still have a relationship with God, even through your gayness.
Tonight I also learned that my aunt still hopes that I will end up being straight- and I bluntly told her that I loved her and that me being straight was NOT going to happen. I told her I am gay, and that is the way I am and that wasn't going to change. We debated whether or not a person was born gay or if it was something that was nurtured.
I love my aunt a lot, but the fact that she still has this false hope is ridiculous.
My cousin and I just finished having a discussion on the same issue, and she said that 2 gay people together is wrong, that you decide to be gay and I explained to her that no one decides to become a target for another person's bigotry. Recently, there's been this "bi-sexual" trend occurring in our society because of Pop Culture, but people like me, who being gay is who they are and not just some fad, it's a reality that we have to deal with on a constant basis.
I want to imagine a place where everyone could live life in peace, living as they please- with no religious propaganda, because the world would be a better place if we just showed acceptance, love and equality, this I believe.
In The Works
Wanted to take a moment to write about all of the exciting things that are going to happen, in the works.
Currently, I am editing a book, the writer of the book is trying to self-publish it, and the book is my first taste of editing and it is also my first paying job outside the writing I've done for the newspaper. It has also inspired me to think more about my own book, "Crippled But Not Broken"-- it is something I've thought of doing for a long time. Within the next few years, I will start gathering the pieces and putting everything together.
I've also been trying to get as many photographs of me taken as possible, I really want to do some modeling. Currently, I am working on a photoshoot with a fellow RPHS alum, Ericka-- we will be tackling gay rights, and perceptions of homosexuals in this photoshoot. I will be modeling, as well as another male model. We are trying to get this photoshoot done before I start college, hopefully next week.
In the midst of all of these projects, and pending events- I will also bring back Hand-Cap Dance (I am trying to base it at William Paterson Uni as a school club, if I do, it will be named [Marked Dance Project], because I am fearful that if I use Hand-Cap Dance, I won't be able to retain the rights to the name, and I am avoiding any future issue.) However, none of the paperwork and basing can be done until school starts in a couple of weeks- so look out for audition notices.
I also plan on dancing for MarDelDance Youth Company, continue to work with The GIMP Project, and if my schedule permits, Freespace Dance Junior Company. I know that is a lot, in addition to school work and work study, but I will make it work.
In October, I have a special performance of God Made for an organization gala, MyGoal- and they've asked me to perform because they were so moved by the performance of the solo I created for school.
I will also spend a lot of time creating new pieces of work for isolated performances, but I also want to focus on resetting old material such as "Shattered Pieces" and "Pointless Love"-- and also "Brace It" if I am able to obtain props.
I also plan on doing several new piececs, and properly recording them, to archive them for future use.
I will also be taking Zumba and Pilates at school in the Fall, in order to stay in shape. I also hope to take dance class as much as possible else where.
ALL of these things are in the works- also, I am moving out of my home, and living on campus, so that in its self will be a journey and such a growing experience for me.
My life is in the works and I am excited to tackle all of it.
“Believe that you can obtain the impossible, and you will reach the realm of the unthinkable.”- Mark Travis Rivera
Currently, I am editing a book, the writer of the book is trying to self-publish it, and the book is my first taste of editing and it is also my first paying job outside the writing I've done for the newspaper. It has also inspired me to think more about my own book, "Crippled But Not Broken"-- it is something I've thought of doing for a long time. Within the next few years, I will start gathering the pieces and putting everything together.
I've also been trying to get as many photographs of me taken as possible, I really want to do some modeling. Currently, I am working on a photoshoot with a fellow RPHS alum, Ericka-- we will be tackling gay rights, and perceptions of homosexuals in this photoshoot. I will be modeling, as well as another male model. We are trying to get this photoshoot done before I start college, hopefully next week.
In the midst of all of these projects, and pending events- I will also bring back Hand-Cap Dance (I am trying to base it at William Paterson Uni as a school club, if I do, it will be named [Marked Dance Project], because I am fearful that if I use Hand-Cap Dance, I won't be able to retain the rights to the name, and I am avoiding any future issue.) However, none of the paperwork and basing can be done until school starts in a couple of weeks- so look out for audition notices.
I also plan on dancing for MarDelDance Youth Company, continue to work with The GIMP Project, and if my schedule permits, Freespace Dance Junior Company. I know that is a lot, in addition to school work and work study, but I will make it work.
In October, I have a special performance of God Made for an organization gala, MyGoal- and they've asked me to perform because they were so moved by the performance of the solo I created for school.
I will also spend a lot of time creating new pieces of work for isolated performances, but I also want to focus on resetting old material such as "Shattered Pieces" and "Pointless Love"-- and also "Brace It" if I am able to obtain props.
I also plan on doing several new piececs, and properly recording them, to archive them for future use.
I will also be taking Zumba and Pilates at school in the Fall, in order to stay in shape. I also hope to take dance class as much as possible else where.
ALL of these things are in the works- also, I am moving out of my home, and living on campus, so that in its self will be a journey and such a growing experience for me.
My life is in the works and I am excited to tackle all of it.
“Believe that you can obtain the impossible, and you will reach the realm of the unthinkable.”- Mark Travis Rivera
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I've Never Been Prouder,
For the last few years, I've had pleasure of knowing you- despite our troubles, are good times, awkward silences- and intense discussions--I just want you to know I've never been prouder of anyone I know, the way I am proud of you.
You have grown so much in the last few years, and I am glad I was able to witness it.
YES I am writing about you, so don't question it, if you read this- know that I see great things for your future and you will be dancing for some amazing people, I can feel it.
I know our relationship has been one of great struggle, and bittersweet memories, and despite the craziness, I am so proud of the person you've become. Yes, you and I both admit that we still have room to grow, to mature, and to become better people;there's no doubt in my mind that you and I will do that.
Stay humble, stay real and don't complicate your life by over-thinking everything. Listen to your heart and don't get to hard on yourself, life gives you enough pressure so you don't have to add any upon yourself.
I am not certain where the next few years will take me, or you or us for that matter, but I just wanted to let you know that you have left a permanent mark on my heart, and I will never forget you.
You have grown so much in the last few years, and I am glad I was able to witness it.
YES I am writing about you, so don't question it, if you read this- know that I see great things for your future and you will be dancing for some amazing people, I can feel it.
I know our relationship has been one of great struggle, and bittersweet memories, and despite the craziness, I am so proud of the person you've become. Yes, you and I both admit that we still have room to grow, to mature, and to become better people;there's no doubt in my mind that you and I will do that.
Stay humble, stay real and don't complicate your life by over-thinking everything. Listen to your heart and don't get to hard on yourself, life gives you enough pressure so you don't have to add any upon yourself.
I am not certain where the next few years will take me, or you or us for that matter, but I just wanted to let you know that you have left a permanent mark on my heart, and I will never forget you.
A Honest Heart Never Lies
The movie, "The Holiday" made me think a lot, made me reflect. I have to start off this blog by saying that I am happy with my life, with the current relationship I am in, and the fact that the person I've come to care about-- is an amazing individual.
However, the movie made me think a lot about my past interesting enough. In the film, the character "Iris" has to learn to let go of the love she has for someone who doesn't deserve it in order for her to love someone who will love her in return.
I think we've all come to care about someone who didn't love you in return, and there is no greater challenge than to tell your heart to lie to itself, and to lie to you because a honest heart never lies.
For years, I cared about someone deeply, he was the inspiration behind some of my greater works, he was the reason behind a lot of my pains and confusion.
This film made me think of him, made me think about all those times that I'd let him make a fool out of me, because I would bend over backwards to help him, even through all of the terrible history, I was madly crazy over him. It's been a hard time realizing that some people will remain part of your life, even if they aren't around physically.
As much as I would like to admit that I am over him, that my feelings for him are absolutely vanquished-- a honest heart never lies.
I can say that I am moving on, and that I have found someone who has returned the affection, someone I can see myself being with and smiling and while things won't always be peachy or easy for that matter, I can honestly say that the problems we'll face won't be nearly as hard to endure, because I won't be taking the blunt of the troubles alone.
While I will always care about the person, while he will always remain that evasive white rabbit, I have to continue to dig myself out of the hole that is now my past, and look towards a brighter, better and more fulfilling future.
After all. a honest heart never lies.
However, the movie made me think a lot about my past interesting enough. In the film, the character "Iris" has to learn to let go of the love she has for someone who doesn't deserve it in order for her to love someone who will love her in return.
I think we've all come to care about someone who didn't love you in return, and there is no greater challenge than to tell your heart to lie to itself, and to lie to you because a honest heart never lies.
For years, I cared about someone deeply, he was the inspiration behind some of my greater works, he was the reason behind a lot of my pains and confusion.
This film made me think of him, made me think about all those times that I'd let him make a fool out of me, because I would bend over backwards to help him, even through all of the terrible history, I was madly crazy over him. It's been a hard time realizing that some people will remain part of your life, even if they aren't around physically.
As much as I would like to admit that I am over him, that my feelings for him are absolutely vanquished-- a honest heart never lies.
I can say that I am moving on, and that I have found someone who has returned the affection, someone I can see myself being with and smiling and while things won't always be peachy or easy for that matter, I can honestly say that the problems we'll face won't be nearly as hard to endure, because I won't be taking the blunt of the troubles alone.
While I will always care about the person, while he will always remain that evasive white rabbit, I have to continue to dig myself out of the hole that is now my past, and look towards a brighter, better and more fulfilling future.
After all. a honest heart never lies.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Saturday Night In
I wrote that I would write a blog every day-- well here it is.
Today was the first day of what I consider to be my vacation. I am visiting family in Dover, a good 40 minutes away from where I live. Dover has a good blend of suburban/ city-like features.
I feel safe walking around the neighborhood at 3 AM in the morning, how do I know? Because I've done it many times growing up. Dover has been my home away from home, the place I would come whenever I didn't have school, where I could breathe fresh air (well as fresh as it gets here in North Jersey) and I could look up and actually see the light given to the night sky by the stars. In a city like mine, the Stars aren't able to be viewed the same way because of all the lights.
I like being able to walk to my relatives home and not worry about being called a "fag" or being stared down at. Okay, that stuff can occur anywhere I go, but why does it only happen in the place I call home?
I recently saw a show from The Crossover Project, which made me think-- "How do you define your home?"
My home is not the city in which I was raised, my home is here, in Dover- the place where I learned the meaning of true family traditions, the struggles, and the importance of living life without the added pressure that I find to be abundant in the inner-city.
So I am spending a Saturday night in doors watching movies and enjoying the calm and silence that comes from being home again.
Today was the first day of what I consider to be my vacation. I am visiting family in Dover, a good 40 minutes away from where I live. Dover has a good blend of suburban/ city-like features.
I feel safe walking around the neighborhood at 3 AM in the morning, how do I know? Because I've done it many times growing up. Dover has been my home away from home, the place I would come whenever I didn't have school, where I could breathe fresh air (well as fresh as it gets here in North Jersey) and I could look up and actually see the light given to the night sky by the stars. In a city like mine, the Stars aren't able to be viewed the same way because of all the lights.
I like being able to walk to my relatives home and not worry about being called a "fag" or being stared down at. Okay, that stuff can occur anywhere I go, but why does it only happen in the place I call home?
I recently saw a show from The Crossover Project, which made me think-- "How do you define your home?"
My home is not the city in which I was raised, my home is here, in Dover- the place where I learned the meaning of true family traditions, the struggles, and the importance of living life without the added pressure that I find to be abundant in the inner-city.
So I am spending a Saturday night in doors watching movies and enjoying the calm and silence that comes from being home again.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
New Found Commitment
For the last 6 weeks, I've spent my time reading and writing like crazy for the Summer Semester at my college, E.O.F program.
Throughout the semester, I relearned why writing was such an important part of my life, I understand why they use to call me "Mark The Writer". For a while, I lost the writer within me, the poetry was mundane and dance took over my every thought. This summer however, I was able to find a new commitment to my writing abilities and it starts tonight.
Every night before I go to bed, I will write a "Blog" or as I refer to them as my public journal, so get ready for a lot of blogs to come your way.
They might not always be long, but it doesn't matter if they are big or small, all that matters is that I keep up this new found commitment to writing again.
It was writing that has left a mark on me forever.
Throughout the semester, I relearned why writing was such an important part of my life, I understand why they use to call me "Mark The Writer". For a while, I lost the writer within me, the poetry was mundane and dance took over my every thought. This summer however, I was able to find a new commitment to my writing abilities and it starts tonight.
Every night before I go to bed, I will write a "Blog" or as I refer to them as my public journal, so get ready for a lot of blogs to come your way.
They might not always be long, but it doesn't matter if they are big or small, all that matters is that I keep up this new found commitment to writing again.
It was writing that has left a mark on me forever.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Can You Relieve Me Of My Baggage?
I am a lot of things: a son, brother, uncle, friend, nephew, grandson, student, writer, dancer, cousin, a gay man, disabled...I come with a lot of baggage.
So when one gets into a relationship, it makes you wonder how much of you the person can really take before they wish they never walked into one's life?
A lot of people have baggage, for some, it's simply a carry on, for others, it's a bunch of suitcases. Some are neatly packed, others are simply tossed together.
So now I ask, can you relieve me of my baggage? Can you handle the fact that nothing about me is as easy as it seems?
For a long time, I was all about the carry on bag, the one I emptied and repacked every now and then, but now I am sharing the suitcase compartment and it's all an adjustment--however, it's one worth making.
So when one gets into a relationship, it makes you wonder how much of you the person can really take before they wish they never walked into one's life?
A lot of people have baggage, for some, it's simply a carry on, for others, it's a bunch of suitcases. Some are neatly packed, others are simply tossed together.
So now I ask, can you relieve me of my baggage? Can you handle the fact that nothing about me is as easy as it seems?
For a long time, I was all about the carry on bag, the one I emptied and repacked every now and then, but now I am sharing the suitcase compartment and it's all an adjustment--however, it's one worth making.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Opening Up
I have to open up, and be completely honest with myself. When I invited him over, I had nothing but great intentions- then it all hit me, that night last week, how I felt, the anger, the pain and the confusion.
It all rushed back to me at once, and suddenly, I didn't want to open up as much as I wanted him to feel what I felt.
Sadly, my intent changed midway, and I turned into the monster I've always tried to keep at bay, underneath my surface. Suddenly, emotions and thoughts came bursting through my mind, forcing me to open up a side of me I didn't want him to see.
I want you to take your space, take your time-- and when we're ready, it will be right. If it's meant to be, I am certain it will flourish. I am opening up again, slowly.
I wasn't thinking about revenge, wasn't even thinking malicious thoughts until half way through our conversation. The light switch went on and the beast within me came out. Like the Incredible Hulk, I busted through the walls I created to prevent the beast from escaping, clawing my way through the guards. I was on a war path, of bittersweet pleasure, mixed with pain. Now the after taste lingers, and I am numb.
Losing control is not my style, but something tonight happened, and while I feel guilt, there is also a big sigh of relief, because tonight allowed me to truly open up and let it all out.
Now the process of recovery can occur. Guess there truly is a lesson to be learned when you open up.
It all rushed back to me at once, and suddenly, I didn't want to open up as much as I wanted him to feel what I felt.
Sadly, my intent changed midway, and I turned into the monster I've always tried to keep at bay, underneath my surface. Suddenly, emotions and thoughts came bursting through my mind, forcing me to open up a side of me I didn't want him to see.
I want you to take your space, take your time-- and when we're ready, it will be right. If it's meant to be, I am certain it will flourish. I am opening up again, slowly.
I wasn't thinking about revenge, wasn't even thinking malicious thoughts until half way through our conversation. The light switch went on and the beast within me came out. Like the Incredible Hulk, I busted through the walls I created to prevent the beast from escaping, clawing my way through the guards. I was on a war path, of bittersweet pleasure, mixed with pain. Now the after taste lingers, and I am numb.
Losing control is not my style, but something tonight happened, and while I feel guilt, there is also a big sigh of relief, because tonight allowed me to truly open up and let it all out.
Now the process of recovery can occur. Guess there truly is a lesson to be learned when you open up.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Revolving Closet Door
Many have heard of the phrase "In The Closet", but recently, that phrase has taken on a new meaning for me.
Recently, I met someone in college who is homosexual, and there was a lot of speculation regarding his sexual preference among others around me, and although I knew that he was gay, I didn't approach him about it.
Even if that meant that I was the only openly gay man, and felt alone in regard to the social atmosphere. Later on, the individual and I discussed the fact that he doesn't seem open about himself, and he simply stated that people from his high school, and hometown knew- but he didn't want anyone to know in college.
Before that conversation, I thought that once someone came out the closet that they were out for good. However, the closet door has now become a revolving door that seems to keep gays in and out of the closet.
This idea baffled me, I didn't understand why someone would come to college and feel the need to hide who they are, but then again everyone is different? Isn't college about experience and being open about who you are because we are outside the realm of high school and all of its bullshit.
I am so confused, isn't college suppose to be liberating? Yet, now I've been introduced to reverse "closeting" and it saddens me. I wish I could take everyone who struggles and show them the light at the end of the struggle, that light that I've been able to find.
So as the revolving closet door comes around to trap those who were once free, I hope that we stop the madness and realize that true freedom comes from being able to be yourself no matter what.
Recently, I met someone in college who is homosexual, and there was a lot of speculation regarding his sexual preference among others around me, and although I knew that he was gay, I didn't approach him about it.
Even if that meant that I was the only openly gay man, and felt alone in regard to the social atmosphere. Later on, the individual and I discussed the fact that he doesn't seem open about himself, and he simply stated that people from his high school, and hometown knew- but he didn't want anyone to know in college.
Before that conversation, I thought that once someone came out the closet that they were out for good. However, the closet door has now become a revolving door that seems to keep gays in and out of the closet.
This idea baffled me, I didn't understand why someone would come to college and feel the need to hide who they are, but then again everyone is different? Isn't college about experience and being open about who you are because we are outside the realm of high school and all of its bullshit.
I am so confused, isn't college suppose to be liberating? Yet, now I've been introduced to reverse "closeting" and it saddens me. I wish I could take everyone who struggles and show them the light at the end of the struggle, that light that I've been able to find.
So as the revolving closet door comes around to trap those who were once free, I hope that we stop the madness and realize that true freedom comes from being able to be yourself no matter what.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Now Life Begins,
For a while my blogs have been dedicated about personal issues, and about my romantic life, but this blog has nothing to do with that.
Last night, I realized that life has truly begun for me. This college experience has truly opened my eyes to new things. In the last week or so, I've met some great people, and others who I prefer not to surround myself with. the glorious thing is that in college, you don't have to surround yourself with people you differ with, you simply have to respect them and move on.
The days of high school drama over who doesn't like who, is gone. No, not entirely, but there seems to be a lower range of immaturity, -- the immaturity I've encountered in college thus far, has been a different kind of immaturity from high school.
I have to say I was scarred of being the token gay guy and not being able to get along with my male counterparts, but no need to fear, I've met some amazing people. Although I am not your typical guy, I've managed to adapt to my surroundings.
Now that life has begun for me, it makes me look back at the last four years, and how I wish I did some things differently. Though my past made helped teach me for the future, I wish I didn't have to go through as much as I did in order to get where I am today. You live and you learn and the next four years I will spend in college will help me grow even more.
As I continue to pursue my dreams, go on to new adventures, I may have to leave some people behind, I will meet new people and face new challeneges, yet I am not fearful because I know I can handle what ever comes my way.
I am no man of steel, but my heart is strong enough to endure. Life begins now, the old me is long gone, and the me now, is looking into the future and seeing great things. I am beyond the point of no return, I can't be the old me again, because this new me I am discovering, is a person who isn't afraid to lose someone, isn't afraid to embrace change and isn't afraid to live life, regardless of the hardships.
Now my new life begins and I can't wait to see where it leads me.
Last night, I realized that life has truly begun for me. This college experience has truly opened my eyes to new things. In the last week or so, I've met some great people, and others who I prefer not to surround myself with. the glorious thing is that in college, you don't have to surround yourself with people you differ with, you simply have to respect them and move on.
The days of high school drama over who doesn't like who, is gone. No, not entirely, but there seems to be a lower range of immaturity, -- the immaturity I've encountered in college thus far, has been a different kind of immaturity from high school.
I have to say I was scarred of being the token gay guy and not being able to get along with my male counterparts, but no need to fear, I've met some amazing people. Although I am not your typical guy, I've managed to adapt to my surroundings.
Now that life has begun for me, it makes me look back at the last four years, and how I wish I did some things differently. Though my past made helped teach me for the future, I wish I didn't have to go through as much as I did in order to get where I am today. You live and you learn and the next four years I will spend in college will help me grow even more.
As I continue to pursue my dreams, go on to new adventures, I may have to leave some people behind, I will meet new people and face new challeneges, yet I am not fearful because I know I can handle what ever comes my way.
I am no man of steel, but my heart is strong enough to endure. Life begins now, the old me is long gone, and the me now, is looking into the future and seeing great things. I am beyond the point of no return, I can't be the old me again, because this new me I am discovering, is a person who isn't afraid to lose someone, isn't afraid to embrace change and isn't afraid to live life, regardless of the hardships.
Now my new life begins and I can't wait to see where it leads me.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Old and The Reckless
The old me still lingers, the one that can be reckless and carefree about a lot of things. Mostly, about myself and my feelings. I've become numb, and sometimes, I forget to cherish myself properly, so I let people take advantage and other times, I am just reckless and I put myself out there.
I've changed a lot, and for the most part, for the better. However, sometimes I think people only recognize the old me because it's more entertaining, more intense, while the other side of me, the one that wants to settle down, isn't noticed much.
I am a free spirit, and although I like stability, I find that my life is the most unstable right now- and just as the new me was beginning to take over completely, circumstances brought out the old me, the one that wouldn't cry over some guy, the one that was able to say "it didn't work, so fuck it, and move on".
Yet, the new me, which is in a constant fight with the old me, is telling me to hold on, that everything is going to be okay. So while the two conflicting sides of me, continue to fight with each other, time is passing me by.
The old me had the most fun, but it was the old me that played on my insecurities and tarnished the good in me. So for now, I will try to keep the old me at bay, but I don't think anyone will ever be able to figure out the old me, because that person is an enigma that even I can't completely understand.
I've changed a lot, and for the most part, for the better. However, sometimes I think people only recognize the old me because it's more entertaining, more intense, while the other side of me, the one that wants to settle down, isn't noticed much.
I am a free spirit, and although I like stability, I find that my life is the most unstable right now- and just as the new me was beginning to take over completely, circumstances brought out the old me, the one that wouldn't cry over some guy, the one that was able to say "it didn't work, so fuck it, and move on".
Yet, the new me, which is in a constant fight with the old me, is telling me to hold on, that everything is going to be okay. So while the two conflicting sides of me, continue to fight with each other, time is passing me by.
The old me had the most fun, but it was the old me that played on my insecurities and tarnished the good in me. So for now, I will try to keep the old me at bay, but I don't think anyone will ever be able to figure out the old me, because that person is an enigma that even I can't completely understand.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Slowly Gathering Myself
I spent two days being bitter, being down, upset- confused and angry. Now I am slowly gathering myself and standing on my two feet again. They say that when your world seems to spiral out of your control, you just have to close your eyes, and hope you don't get too dizzy.
I want you to know that I care about you, and that isn't going to change, but the way you went about all this, makes me doubt a future together, however, as I gather myself, I am trying to remove all doubt. It took me a long time to get to that place where I trusted you, and we just have to work on that.
As I gather my self, I hope you are doing well, and I am sure this is just as hard for you as it is for me, and I catch myself checking your Facebook, because I miss you.
I want you to know that I care about you, and that isn't going to change, but the way you went about all this, makes me doubt a future together, however, as I gather myself, I am trying to remove all doubt. It took me a long time to get to that place where I trusted you, and we just have to work on that.
As I gather my self, I hope you are doing well, and I am sure this is just as hard for you as it is for me, and I catch myself checking your Facebook, because I miss you.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Jars Filled With False Pretenses
It doesn't taste like Grape Jelly, and the jar isn't a comfortable chill, filled with sweet ice tea. Life is no picnic at the park, no stroll around the block, and life is not laying on the roof, staring into the night sky admiring the stars.
This jar is filled with false pretenses, hardships, confusion, and so much more. He claimed he needed time, space yet I am sure he is with him, with the other man, someone who can never care about him the way I do.
He asked me if I would let him come back, when he was done getting space, but I've spent all day going from laughter to tears, ups and downs, trying to get him out of my head, but it keeps playing over and over in my head.
His hands wiping away the tears he caused, it doesn't make sense to me- how can someone claim to care about me, and be so reckless with my heart? It's like he dropped the jar, and he let the glass shatter.
Who does he think he is? How can he let me get so deep, only to let me slip out of his hands, and now I am suppose to just let him come back to me, and I don't know how to feel right now.
He collected my heart, place it in a jar, tearing it out of me in the process, and I am suppose to let time heal the aches, and expect me to fall in his arms again, but I don't think one can recover from this so easily.
Maybe he shouldn't come back for me, maybe he shouldn't come back at all...because who does he think he is?
This jar is filled with false pretenses, hardships, confusion, and so much more. He claimed he needed time, space yet I am sure he is with him, with the other man, someone who can never care about him the way I do.
He asked me if I would let him come back, when he was done getting space, but I've spent all day going from laughter to tears, ups and downs, trying to get him out of my head, but it keeps playing over and over in my head.
His hands wiping away the tears he caused, it doesn't make sense to me- how can someone claim to care about me, and be so reckless with my heart? It's like he dropped the jar, and he let the glass shatter.
Who does he think he is? How can he let me get so deep, only to let me slip out of his hands, and now I am suppose to just let him come back to me, and I don't know how to feel right now.
He collected my heart, place it in a jar, tearing it out of me in the process, and I am suppose to let time heal the aches, and expect me to fall in his arms again, but I don't think one can recover from this so easily.
Maybe he shouldn't come back for me, maybe he shouldn't come back at all...because who does he think he is?
Forefront
While I was trying to get in the forefront, trying to let my emotions show-- you were behind, thinking about ending what we've both worked hard to build.
I felt foolish, beyond foolish, I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming, because I was so busy trying to make effort, while he was distancing himself from me. How do you deal with someone, who needs to leave you "behind" so they can take time to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with?
I shared moments with this person that I've never shared with anyone else, and I cared more for him than I would like to admit, but last night, all the tears, anger and sadness made my feelings for him, the most evident.
He use to say that he was fearful that I would hurt him, that he was taking a risk, but what he failed to realize was that I was taking a risk, and I took it and I thought it was paying off, until last night. Suddenly, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and emotions unraveled.
I am a lot of things, I am far from perfect, but I've never cried over a guy, especially not in front of them- who does that? Lame right?
Here I was being positive, thinking about the future, for him, for I, for us- and while my mind was thinking positively for all that was in front of us, he was behind, thinking otherwise.
Only time will tell where he and I will end up- whether our history will simply fade in the background and become our past, or return to the forefront, and become our future.
I felt foolish, beyond foolish, I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming, because I was so busy trying to make effort, while he was distancing himself from me. How do you deal with someone, who needs to leave you "behind" so they can take time to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with?
I shared moments with this person that I've never shared with anyone else, and I cared more for him than I would like to admit, but last night, all the tears, anger and sadness made my feelings for him, the most evident.
He use to say that he was fearful that I would hurt him, that he was taking a risk, but what he failed to realize was that I was taking a risk, and I took it and I thought it was paying off, until last night. Suddenly, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and emotions unraveled.
I am a lot of things, I am far from perfect, but I've never cried over a guy, especially not in front of them- who does that? Lame right?
Here I was being positive, thinking about the future, for him, for I, for us- and while my mind was thinking positively for all that was in front of us, he was behind, thinking otherwise.
Only time will tell where he and I will end up- whether our history will simply fade in the background and become our past, or return to the forefront, and become our future.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Gay Grid
Maybe I am the only one who notices this, or even cares enough to vent about it BUT I am tired of the Gay Grid of Northern NJ.
I find that so many people are connected to each other, either sexually or just someone you were talking to, but things didn't pan out. It's slightly disturbing to be honest, the fact that the Gay Community can be mapped out in such a way that there is more than 2 people in common.
Facebook probably only makes it worse, but Im ready for the Gay Community to expand, because in Paterson alone, you have so many closeted gays, and so many who think that no one knows, and then suddenly, you find out that this gay talked to this bi, who then talked to this confused individual.
It's a MESS! Really looking forward to college and for my network of people, straight and gay alike to grow.
May I also add, to all my gays, please be smart, be safe- and no matter what, don't talk to your friend's exes, that is just grimy.
I find that so many people are connected to each other, either sexually or just someone you were talking to, but things didn't pan out. It's slightly disturbing to be honest, the fact that the Gay Community can be mapped out in such a way that there is more than 2 people in common.
Facebook probably only makes it worse, but Im ready for the Gay Community to expand, because in Paterson alone, you have so many closeted gays, and so many who think that no one knows, and then suddenly, you find out that this gay talked to this bi, who then talked to this confused individual.
It's a MESS! Really looking forward to college and for my network of people, straight and gay alike to grow.
May I also add, to all my gays, please be smart, be safe- and no matter what, don't talk to your friend's exes, that is just grimy.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Lack Of Balance
It's been months since I've written a blog, and it's been just as long since I've written a great poem. I am finding it hard to balance myself creatively between dance and writing. I mean I am constantly thinking of dance, creating new movement, new pieces, and what music to use.
I get inspired to move at any moment, and yet, the inspiration to write is LACKING! I miss the empathetic poet inside of me, the one that use to get inspired by anyone's life story and write a poem about it.
Now I will try to write, and I'll get stuck, or it won't be as good as I would like it to be. There is a clear lack of balance and I am trying to balance myself.
There is guilt attached to all of this, the writer within me makes me feel like I am robbing myself of a precious gift I was given to write, to move people with my lines-now I aim to move them through the stories I tell through movement, through a dance piece.
It is difficult for me right now to find the balance, but I hope to soon.
I miss writing, I miss the relief I felt through poetry.
I get inspired to move at any moment, and yet, the inspiration to write is LACKING! I miss the empathetic poet inside of me, the one that use to get inspired by anyone's life story and write a poem about it.
Now I will try to write, and I'll get stuck, or it won't be as good as I would like it to be. There is a clear lack of balance and I am trying to balance myself.
There is guilt attached to all of this, the writer within me makes me feel like I am robbing myself of a precious gift I was given to write, to move people with my lines-now I aim to move them through the stories I tell through movement, through a dance piece.
It is difficult for me right now to find the balance, but I hope to soon.
I miss writing, I miss the relief I felt through poetry.
Friday, March 19, 2010
We Once Knew Each Other
Have you ever known someone one day, and suddenly the next day you have no idea who they were?
In the last 10 years of my life, I've met people, many of whom I still have contact with, and no one I met back then is the same today. Even I have changed a lot from who I was back then, but what happens when the change makes the person unrecognizable?
I am the kind of person who tries to salvage relationship, and save the friendship, even if it's been dying for years, because I would like to believe that the people we were is still somewhere within us. However, the more the days go by, the more distant the memories appear to be, and the less I know my friend.
I am not trying to forget my dear friend, or even replace her, I am just simply stating the fact that she has become someone I once knew, because I don't know her anymore.
That saddens me a great deal, but that also makes me realize that some people are meant to be in your life, and others are simply meant to visit-- so now I wonder if our friendship was simply the passing of two people that in time would no longer communicate.
This is for those we knew at one point, but no longer know;
I hope the times we spent together, the memories we shared, the tears we shed and all of our struggles made an impact on your life, and I hope that you can take something positive out of our friendship. I am sorry I have became a stranger to you, but I want you to know that I will always have love for you and I only hope the best for you.
So as we go our separate ways, I want you to remember all the things I told you about loving yourself, believing in yourself and just how beautiful you truly are. Never allow anyone to tell you different and never give up on your dreams, even if that means you have to chase them all by yourself.
In the last 10 years of my life, I've met people, many of whom I still have contact with, and no one I met back then is the same today. Even I have changed a lot from who I was back then, but what happens when the change makes the person unrecognizable?
I am the kind of person who tries to salvage relationship, and save the friendship, even if it's been dying for years, because I would like to believe that the people we were is still somewhere within us. However, the more the days go by, the more distant the memories appear to be, and the less I know my friend.
I am not trying to forget my dear friend, or even replace her, I am just simply stating the fact that she has become someone I once knew, because I don't know her anymore.
That saddens me a great deal, but that also makes me realize that some people are meant to be in your life, and others are simply meant to visit-- so now I wonder if our friendship was simply the passing of two people that in time would no longer communicate.
This is for those we knew at one point, but no longer know;
I hope the times we spent together, the memories we shared, the tears we shed and all of our struggles made an impact on your life, and I hope that you can take something positive out of our friendship. I am sorry I have became a stranger to you, but I want you to know that I will always have love for you and I only hope the best for you.
So as we go our separate ways, I want you to remember all the things I told you about loving yourself, believing in yourself and just how beautiful you truly are. Never allow anyone to tell you different and never give up on your dreams, even if that means you have to chase them all by yourself.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Charming Can Be Harming
So it all started with a simple message, suddenly it was a massive amount of text messaging that turned into late night conversations.
Now I'd be lucky to get a text back hours after I sent mine, and forget about keeping your word and calling me back.
When I've lost all hope in this guy, he goes and says the sweetest things and then my heart skips a beat because of his charm.
Him being charming can be harming to my mental health- because in the beginning my inbox of text messages were filled with his name, with messages like, "Sweet Dreams", or "Good Morning" and now I awake to nothing of the sort.
Am I just being too sensitive? Or am I simply being selfish?
You can't come and sweep someone off their feet, and then drop them, and not explain why the sudden change.
Please don't say you are busy, because so am I; please don't say you'd call me back and never do- please just tell me why your charm has faded, and why I am force to write this in order to get it off my chest.
Communication is the foundation to any friendship and if you had such interest in me, like you said you did, then you'd find a way to communicate that to me- instead of counting down the days till we saw each other, kiss and smile in pure bliss.
I wonder if when I see you if I'd be able to kiss you, or if I would just turn my face and let you kiss my cheek because I won't be the fool anymore- I won't inflict harm upon myself that I could have avoided- and just because your charming smile and laughter numb the frustration I feel, they don't make me forget the fact that you changed.
Sometimes Mister Charming can become Mister Harming.
Now I'd be lucky to get a text back hours after I sent mine, and forget about keeping your word and calling me back.
When I've lost all hope in this guy, he goes and says the sweetest things and then my heart skips a beat because of his charm.
Him being charming can be harming to my mental health- because in the beginning my inbox of text messages were filled with his name, with messages like, "Sweet Dreams", or "Good Morning" and now I awake to nothing of the sort.
Am I just being too sensitive? Or am I simply being selfish?
You can't come and sweep someone off their feet, and then drop them, and not explain why the sudden change.
Please don't say you are busy, because so am I; please don't say you'd call me back and never do- please just tell me why your charm has faded, and why I am force to write this in order to get it off my chest.
Communication is the foundation to any friendship and if you had such interest in me, like you said you did, then you'd find a way to communicate that to me- instead of counting down the days till we saw each other, kiss and smile in pure bliss.
I wonder if when I see you if I'd be able to kiss you, or if I would just turn my face and let you kiss my cheek because I won't be the fool anymore- I won't inflict harm upon myself that I could have avoided- and just because your charming smile and laughter numb the frustration I feel, they don't make me forget the fact that you changed.
Sometimes Mister Charming can become Mister Harming.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sometimes The Chapter Must End
(Let Me Start By Saying Sorry For Not Writing In A While- I Hit A Hard Spot And Life Has Been Hectic But I Felt Inspired Tonight)
In life, we are the authors to our own lives, writing each new day with every action or inaction. Altering the course of our story, with change in mood, tone or setting.
However, life is like every good story- it has a rise and fall- best known as the climax, and everyone has a tragic flaw, but as your story develops, you will learn that some characters must be written off- or you yourself must change your own setting to better your life.
I think we get so attached with our emotions, that we forget that there is an end to every start, and with every start that is ended, there is a new one waiting for you to go for it.
Sometimes the chapter must end, and you have to be willing to close the book, and start a new novel- with countless more pages to write, and new people to discover.
When you look back at your autobiography of a life, you will see why the chapter ended and how that ending lead to so many new beginnings and sometimes it hurts, but the best relief is knowing that after the fall, there is a new rise.
So break down, and weep over the change of your story- and then start over because a story is only as strong as the writer who writes it.
*Dedicated to my friend, I call her "Mi Amor"
In life, we are the authors to our own lives, writing each new day with every action or inaction. Altering the course of our story, with change in mood, tone or setting.
However, life is like every good story- it has a rise and fall- best known as the climax, and everyone has a tragic flaw, but as your story develops, you will learn that some characters must be written off- or you yourself must change your own setting to better your life.
I think we get so attached with our emotions, that we forget that there is an end to every start, and with every start that is ended, there is a new one waiting for you to go for it.
Sometimes the chapter must end, and you have to be willing to close the book, and start a new novel- with countless more pages to write, and new people to discover.
When you look back at your autobiography of a life, you will see why the chapter ended and how that ending lead to so many new beginnings and sometimes it hurts, but the best relief is knowing that after the fall, there is a new rise.
So break down, and weep over the change of your story- and then start over because a story is only as strong as the writer who writes it.
*Dedicated to my friend, I call her "Mi Amor"
Friday, January 22, 2010
Writing Had To Wait
So I guess I can say that my busy life- especially with dance, has been putting writing for this blog, or writing anything on pause.
I hate that I had to make writing wait, because I feel like I am cheating on it but some things are just out of your control.
For a long time, I was lacking inspiration to write, and that was strange. I've never been stuck before, and I know I keep complaining about it, but I don't think people really understand how much writing means to me.
During the darkest moments, growing up and going through middle school, it was my writing that allowed me to stay focus. It got me through some hardships, in a time where I didn't know how to communicate with others.
A part of me is really concerned with the rut I am in, because I am going to start college soon, where I am majoring in Journalism, and yet, I don't even feel like writing. I use to be able to write with such ease, and now I am straining my brain just trying to blog, which is just me free writing and getting my thoughts out of my head, and onto a site where others can read it.
I want to write like I use to.
I hate that I had to make writing wait, because I feel like I am cheating on it but some things are just out of your control.
For a long time, I was lacking inspiration to write, and that was strange. I've never been stuck before, and I know I keep complaining about it, but I don't think people really understand how much writing means to me.
During the darkest moments, growing up and going through middle school, it was my writing that allowed me to stay focus. It got me through some hardships, in a time where I didn't know how to communicate with others.
A part of me is really concerned with the rut I am in, because I am going to start college soon, where I am majoring in Journalism, and yet, I don't even feel like writing. I use to be able to write with such ease, and now I am straining my brain just trying to blog, which is just me free writing and getting my thoughts out of my head, and onto a site where others can read it.
I want to write like I use to.
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