“Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity.” --William Hazlitt
According to Hazlitt, grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity. Then I am sad to come to the realization that one of my dearest friends has fallen from grace.
For the last four years I have invested so much love, care and myself into a friendship that up to today, I valued more than anything else. But after writing about my newfound perspective, I would be remised if I didn’t listen to my mind, heart and spirit. This is why I find it so difficult, to admit to myself that my friend has fallen from grace, and that she needs to grow up.
As much as it hurts me to separate myself from her, as much as it pains me to see a friendship diminish, I know that I cannot keep someone around me who is going to be toxic. I find myself crying as I am writing this sentence, and my heart breaks because I know that a part of me just wants to pretend like words weren’t shared, that none of this is happening. Sadly, friendships end—but I refuse to call this the end, I just think she needs to lose me, in order to appreciate the friendship we had.
I however, could be wrong. Perhaps losing our friendship will do nothing to her; if she keeps up with her childish and selfish tendencies, I am afraid my absence will mean nothing. Yet, if I think like that, it will only hurt me more. The truth is, life happens and people grow apart.
Relationships, whether they be romantic or not take work, and it takes sincere effort. If you invest all of yourself but get nothing in return then you have no choice but to reconsider whether or not it is an investment you should make.
For tonight, my will is not to catch her before she hits the ground, but my hope is that she will be able to fall and rise again. For the last several months I’ve sensed that she’s been losing herself and while I’ve tried to poke and pry it out of her, sometimes no amount of concern or love can save someone. Sometimes a person just needs to fall, wipe him or herself off and stand on their own.
Perhaps it is immature of me to vent via my blog, but when I am at a lost for words and unable to reply—I find it therapeutic and helpful to write it out in a blog. While my dear friend may never read this, I hope she understands my reasons for distancing myself, that she may read this and understand my sadness, hurt and frustration.
Maybe all it takes is a fall to make sense of it all.
It will take effort and time in order to regain the grace you have lost my friend, but I wish you well as you continue on this journey.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Eat, Believe, Love
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Here I thought I was missing something in my life, that there was this black hole draining all of the happiness from me. I was so preoccupied in trying to find someone that I lost myself and didn’t even realize it. I was the black hole, and I was destroying all of the positive aspects of my life by only focusing on the negative.
I retreated to bad habits; trying to find comfort in the arms of anyone, thinking that lust would turn into love, that my belief that there is good in everyone was false, and I would eat my sorrows away, only to later self-loathe over the weight gained.
But yesterday right before I started watching most of the Eat, Pray, Love film, I had an epiphany, and it stemmed from a passionate moment I shared with someone from my past. I’ll call that person, “John”- John came to see me after a year passed us by. John was someone that I liked a lot and was always in the back of my mind. Yet, I knew then and now that John and I would never end up together because our lives are on two different paths; that, plus he has a boyfriend.
Although I knew that, seeing John again caused me to have butterflies, as I examined how much his face matured, of how his body changed shape, and the roughness of his hands. We were catching up, and the connection between us as we played around and goofed off was evident. When I leaned in for the kiss, it was like we were no longer fighting against gravity and finally allowing nature to have its way.
It should have felt wrong, but it felt so right. While I had hooked up with others before, none compared to the moment I shared with John. The way his lips made me tingle as he kissed my neck, the security I felt as he held me, and a level of intimacy I hadn’t felt since my break-up.
All the tension and stress I had been holding onto within my physical body suddenly lifted. There was this sense of calmness, and then it struck me! I realized how much I have to offer, and that there will come a time when someone will hold me the way John did, and that it is possible to love yourself, find you and wait for that someone else to be that “mirror”- Liz spoke about in the above quote.
As I re-heated some leftover pasta I cooked the day before, I realized “Eat, Pray, Love” was playing and I began to watch it. Ironically she was eating in Italy, as I was eating pasta. I went on the journey the film takes you on, which I was told, differs from the impact that book has. But, this isn’t a blog about Eat, Pray, Love- although it was inspired by it.
This is about enjoying life, eating the food you enjoy and loving your body despite its imperfections. It is about believing in yourself, and whatever your spiritual guide may be. It is about not giving up on love, and learning to love yourself regardless of how lost life has made you feel.
After John left, and I began to watch the film I had a realization that has kept me in a good mood for the last thirty-six hours. Since the end of May, the insecurities that were driving me mad, and the sadness I felt was suddenly lifted. I ate the pasta (which by the way, tasted even better the second day), I reconnected with my core beliefs, and I made the choice that I was no longer going to have random hook ups with guys, just to feel lust. I am going to wait until I can feel the love, until my soul mate makes his stop on my path, and reveals more about me.
The beauty of life lies in our ability to alter how we perceive it and the actions we take in order to live it. So rather focusing on what I want but don’t have, I will enjoy all that I do have and relish in the idea that one day, I will find someone who will knock me off my balance, while restoring the balance so that two individuals (the two of us) can share our lives together.
I am going to focus on me in the meantime, and reconnect with the parts of myself I have lost in the last year. While growing up is a constant process of loss and gain, I know I have to try to retain myself again. I don’t want to live life angrily. I don’t want to be bitter. Instead, I want to eat, believe and love every day of my life, until my very last breath.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
Here I thought I was missing something in my life, that there was this black hole draining all of the happiness from me. I was so preoccupied in trying to find someone that I lost myself and didn’t even realize it. I was the black hole, and I was destroying all of the positive aspects of my life by only focusing on the negative.
I retreated to bad habits; trying to find comfort in the arms of anyone, thinking that lust would turn into love, that my belief that there is good in everyone was false, and I would eat my sorrows away, only to later self-loathe over the weight gained.
But yesterday right before I started watching most of the Eat, Pray, Love film, I had an epiphany, and it stemmed from a passionate moment I shared with someone from my past. I’ll call that person, “John”- John came to see me after a year passed us by. John was someone that I liked a lot and was always in the back of my mind. Yet, I knew then and now that John and I would never end up together because our lives are on two different paths; that, plus he has a boyfriend.
Although I knew that, seeing John again caused me to have butterflies, as I examined how much his face matured, of how his body changed shape, and the roughness of his hands. We were catching up, and the connection between us as we played around and goofed off was evident. When I leaned in for the kiss, it was like we were no longer fighting against gravity and finally allowing nature to have its way.
It should have felt wrong, but it felt so right. While I had hooked up with others before, none compared to the moment I shared with John. The way his lips made me tingle as he kissed my neck, the security I felt as he held me, and a level of intimacy I hadn’t felt since my break-up.
All the tension and stress I had been holding onto within my physical body suddenly lifted. There was this sense of calmness, and then it struck me! I realized how much I have to offer, and that there will come a time when someone will hold me the way John did, and that it is possible to love yourself, find you and wait for that someone else to be that “mirror”- Liz spoke about in the above quote.
As I re-heated some leftover pasta I cooked the day before, I realized “Eat, Pray, Love” was playing and I began to watch it. Ironically she was eating in Italy, as I was eating pasta. I went on the journey the film takes you on, which I was told, differs from the impact that book has. But, this isn’t a blog about Eat, Pray, Love- although it was inspired by it.
This is about enjoying life, eating the food you enjoy and loving your body despite its imperfections. It is about believing in yourself, and whatever your spiritual guide may be. It is about not giving up on love, and learning to love yourself regardless of how lost life has made you feel.
After John left, and I began to watch the film I had a realization that has kept me in a good mood for the last thirty-six hours. Since the end of May, the insecurities that were driving me mad, and the sadness I felt was suddenly lifted. I ate the pasta (which by the way, tasted even better the second day), I reconnected with my core beliefs, and I made the choice that I was no longer going to have random hook ups with guys, just to feel lust. I am going to wait until I can feel the love, until my soul mate makes his stop on my path, and reveals more about me.
The beauty of life lies in our ability to alter how we perceive it and the actions we take in order to live it. So rather focusing on what I want but don’t have, I will enjoy all that I do have and relish in the idea that one day, I will find someone who will knock me off my balance, while restoring the balance so that two individuals (the two of us) can share our lives together.
I am going to focus on me in the meantime, and reconnect with the parts of myself I have lost in the last year. While growing up is a constant process of loss and gain, I know I have to try to retain myself again. I don’t want to live life angrily. I don’t want to be bitter. Instead, I want to eat, believe and love every day of my life, until my very last breath.
Monday, July 11, 2011
17 & marked
Gail Devers once said
"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."
Every dream begins with its dreamer, and what is produced out of that dream, is the result of the dreamer’s ability to take action. So here’s my story, I was 17 and marked by an idea that seemed to come out of nowhere, far fetched and unexpected.
In March of 2009, I was working the first show I ever managed for Erin Pride (the lovely mentor of mine), for the first Mix It Up. We were at La Bella Epoque, a beautiful raw space where the show was being held. Erin had originally had someone else scheduled to stage-manage the show, but when he couldn’t do it last minute, she asked me to do it. But here’s the thing, I never stage-managed a show before, so I was scarred of messing up and ruining the whole production. Yet, in classic EP style, she made me do it, and taught me how.
It was only in August that I had my very first dance performance, and still had very little formal training under my belt. Yet, as I was mingling among dancers, choreographers, and art lovers I suddenly felt inspired. I was talking to my friend Jennifer (who would later become one of my best friends) and it was through my dialogue with her that I decided I wanted to start a dance company for disabled and non-disabled dancers.
At that point, I had very little dance experience and absolutely no clue what managing a dance company entailed, but I didn’t care. I had this idea, and I was determined to move forward with it. So I did just that. After speaking to EP, and gathering a small group of people to brainstorm with (Elly, Crystal, Jennifer and the owners of La Bella Epoque), I was ready to give birth to Hand-Cap Dance.
It was a slow start, a few meetings about possible ideas, mission, purpose, and such. Within the first couple of months, the company had 4 dancers including myself, Jennifer, Crystal and Michelle. We booked our first company performance at my sister’s job, and it was our first paid gig, “50” bucks for a new company was a lot.
Soon after I was ready to hold auditions for the company, and had a handful of people show up. This was great since we weren’t offering to pay anyone. They wanted to grow with the company; sadly I couldn't pay them, but what an experience it would be. Once we had some dancers, I was able to get some talented guest choreographers from the Tri-State to set work on the company.
This isn’t as detailed as I would like, for the interest of time but keep reading…
I was young and still had a lot to learn. Luckily, I had a handful of people who had my best interest at heart and they helped me grow. After losing the space at La Bella, I was connected with Liz Grossman, a woman who would lend her space to become the official rehearsal studio for HCD. This grant was a true blessing and allowed the dream to keep reaching new levels.
A few bumps along the way, lost some dancers, and ran into some resistance regarding the name, but I was determined to have the company’s first show, and so a year and two months after the idea came to mind, we had our first informal show, “Breaking Barriers”.
Thinking back, the show wasn’t the greatest, or as great as I would have liked, but I can tell you now—it meant the world to me. To see people there in the audience, and all of those who help make Breaking Barriers a success, I truly appreciate it. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well same holds true for a dream. While a dreamer is all it takes to form the dream, it takes a team to make the team a reality.
After the show, we were underfunds and owed the space money for hosting the event of course I got panicked. I was a young artist with zero funds; making ends meat with what we had. Luckily, my best friend Crystal’s father, Frank donated the missing funds and supported my cause in such a fabulous way.
This is where the team for the dream comes into play.
So what was I left with after the show? I put the company on hiatus and I took several months to reflect on myself, the dream that began to take shape and my future at William Paterson University.
What I forgot to mention earlier in this blog, is that I was sacrificing a lot, rehearsing 7 days a week for my high school dance department and company rehearsal. The stress on my body was intense, and the toll it began to take on my personal life was no easy hardship. I would go into the studio early afternoon, and wouldn’t leave until well after sundown.
I thought about giving up, when things got especially difficult. I began to doubt my dream and myself. Then I was reminded why dance is so important to me. Once my chapter at WPU began, I started to re-visit my company’s mission and purpose.
What was once called Hand-Cap Dance became marked dance project. I made it an SGA Chartered club, and made MDP Company in residency at my university. Once that process was completed, the company began to grow and the dreamer that felt weary was revived and re-focused.
Since March of 2009, the company has doubled in size, and includes to wheelchair dancers and we’ve performed all over New Jersey and three consecutive years in Philadelphia.
We are currently working on our premiere full-length company show called, “Spectrum” a benefit dance show, which will raise money for an Autism organization entitled MyGoal. It will feature guest performances by some of the best companies and dancers in the Tri-State area. For more information, visit www.markeddanceproject.com for all the details on the show in September and the company.
I was 17 and marked by a dream, an idea many doubted but I stayed true to my heart’s desire and myself. I chased after the dream, with the help of some amazing people. Hopefully, my story will inspire others to follow suite in their dreams, and know that anything is possible. I know, because I went from the crippled kid who always fell, to who I am today- a dancer.
"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."
Every dream begins with its dreamer, and what is produced out of that dream, is the result of the dreamer’s ability to take action. So here’s my story, I was 17 and marked by an idea that seemed to come out of nowhere, far fetched and unexpected.
In March of 2009, I was working the first show I ever managed for Erin Pride (the lovely mentor of mine), for the first Mix It Up. We were at La Bella Epoque, a beautiful raw space where the show was being held. Erin had originally had someone else scheduled to stage-manage the show, but when he couldn’t do it last minute, she asked me to do it. But here’s the thing, I never stage-managed a show before, so I was scarred of messing up and ruining the whole production. Yet, in classic EP style, she made me do it, and taught me how.
It was only in August that I had my very first dance performance, and still had very little formal training under my belt. Yet, as I was mingling among dancers, choreographers, and art lovers I suddenly felt inspired. I was talking to my friend Jennifer (who would later become one of my best friends) and it was through my dialogue with her that I decided I wanted to start a dance company for disabled and non-disabled dancers.
At that point, I had very little dance experience and absolutely no clue what managing a dance company entailed, but I didn’t care. I had this idea, and I was determined to move forward with it. So I did just that. After speaking to EP, and gathering a small group of people to brainstorm with (Elly, Crystal, Jennifer and the owners of La Bella Epoque), I was ready to give birth to Hand-Cap Dance.
It was a slow start, a few meetings about possible ideas, mission, purpose, and such. Within the first couple of months, the company had 4 dancers including myself, Jennifer, Crystal and Michelle. We booked our first company performance at my sister’s job, and it was our first paid gig, “50” bucks for a new company was a lot.
Soon after I was ready to hold auditions for the company, and had a handful of people show up. This was great since we weren’t offering to pay anyone. They wanted to grow with the company; sadly I couldn't pay them, but what an experience it would be. Once we had some dancers, I was able to get some talented guest choreographers from the Tri-State to set work on the company.
This isn’t as detailed as I would like, for the interest of time but keep reading…
I was young and still had a lot to learn. Luckily, I had a handful of people who had my best interest at heart and they helped me grow. After losing the space at La Bella, I was connected with Liz Grossman, a woman who would lend her space to become the official rehearsal studio for HCD. This grant was a true blessing and allowed the dream to keep reaching new levels.
A few bumps along the way, lost some dancers, and ran into some resistance regarding the name, but I was determined to have the company’s first show, and so a year and two months after the idea came to mind, we had our first informal show, “Breaking Barriers”.
Thinking back, the show wasn’t the greatest, or as great as I would have liked, but I can tell you now—it meant the world to me. To see people there in the audience, and all of those who help make Breaking Barriers a success, I truly appreciate it. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well same holds true for a dream. While a dreamer is all it takes to form the dream, it takes a team to make the team a reality.
After the show, we were underfunds and owed the space money for hosting the event of course I got panicked. I was a young artist with zero funds; making ends meat with what we had. Luckily, my best friend Crystal’s father, Frank donated the missing funds and supported my cause in such a fabulous way.
This is where the team for the dream comes into play.
So what was I left with after the show? I put the company on hiatus and I took several months to reflect on myself, the dream that began to take shape and my future at William Paterson University.
What I forgot to mention earlier in this blog, is that I was sacrificing a lot, rehearsing 7 days a week for my high school dance department and company rehearsal. The stress on my body was intense, and the toll it began to take on my personal life was no easy hardship. I would go into the studio early afternoon, and wouldn’t leave until well after sundown.
I thought about giving up, when things got especially difficult. I began to doubt my dream and myself. Then I was reminded why dance is so important to me. Once my chapter at WPU began, I started to re-visit my company’s mission and purpose.
What was once called Hand-Cap Dance became marked dance project. I made it an SGA Chartered club, and made MDP Company in residency at my university. Once that process was completed, the company began to grow and the dreamer that felt weary was revived and re-focused.
Since March of 2009, the company has doubled in size, and includes to wheelchair dancers and we’ve performed all over New Jersey and three consecutive years in Philadelphia.
We are currently working on our premiere full-length company show called, “Spectrum” a benefit dance show, which will raise money for an Autism organization entitled MyGoal. It will feature guest performances by some of the best companies and dancers in the Tri-State area. For more information, visit www.markeddanceproject.com for all the details on the show in September and the company.
I was 17 and marked by a dream, an idea many doubted but I stayed true to my heart’s desire and myself. I chased after the dream, with the help of some amazing people. Hopefully, my story will inspire others to follow suite in their dreams, and know that anything is possible. I know, because I went from the crippled kid who always fell, to who I am today- a dancer.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
WHen Good Isn't Enough
So many times we try to make the people who raised us proud of the accomplishments and good things we’ve done. But sometimes, good isn’t enough for some people. No matter how good you are as a person, student, or a worker, they will be quick to point out the negatives in you.
I had to learn how to focus on the good, and not let others make me dwell on the bad. I, like everyone else, continue to be a work in progress, growing with every lesson. That’s the beauty about life and the human species; we grow in time.
Take away the pressure that comes with trying to make others proud, be able to make yourself proud first. Do what you love, be who you are, and when good isn’t enough, continue to give it your all. Only then will you be able to accomplish great feats!
I had to learn how to focus on the good, and not let others make me dwell on the bad. I, like everyone else, continue to be a work in progress, growing with every lesson. That’s the beauty about life and the human species; we grow in time.
Take away the pressure that comes with trying to make others proud, be able to make yourself proud first. Do what you love, be who you are, and when good isn’t enough, continue to give it your all. Only then will you be able to accomplish great feats!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Bring It, Bag It
What will you bring to the table and what will you leave behind? So many times we enter new relationships with people, hoping to bring all of who we are as a person. Except that we bring it all, the good and the bad.
When you enter a relationship, whether it be romantic or not, you have to bag and discard just as much as you bring to the table. Get rid of your past regrets, insecurities and enter the newfound connection with a clear mind and an open-heart.
This is exactly what I plan on bringing, as I bag and throw away all of the garbage I have hoarder throughout the years. As we seek to see what others have to offer, we must remember what we ourselves offer, and be honest.
Some things I bring to the table is that I like to micro-manage, and I am a stickler for structure. I am also quite anal about certain details, and I am trying to bag that aside and learn to go with the flow, live in the moment.
Could you imagine the difference our relationships would be like if we thought more, not just with our hearts, but also with our minds? If we really reflected on what we go in with, and what we discard along the way?
Don’t let the growing pains stifle the growth you have ahead of you, and never let your heart become dreary, because although life has a way of turning light into dark, what you bring and what you bag away will help guide your way. Bring with you only what you can bare to carry and peacefully get rid of that which weighs you down, because the burden must be lifted.
When you enter a relationship, whether it be romantic or not, you have to bag and discard just as much as you bring to the table. Get rid of your past regrets, insecurities and enter the newfound connection with a clear mind and an open-heart.
This is exactly what I plan on bringing, as I bag and throw away all of the garbage I have hoarder throughout the years. As we seek to see what others have to offer, we must remember what we ourselves offer, and be honest.
Some things I bring to the table is that I like to micro-manage, and I am a stickler for structure. I am also quite anal about certain details, and I am trying to bag that aside and learn to go with the flow, live in the moment.
Could you imagine the difference our relationships would be like if we thought more, not just with our hearts, but also with our minds? If we really reflected on what we go in with, and what we discard along the way?
Don’t let the growing pains stifle the growth you have ahead of you, and never let your heart become dreary, because although life has a way of turning light into dark, what you bring and what you bag away will help guide your way. Bring with you only what you can bare to carry and peacefully get rid of that which weighs you down, because the burden must be lifted.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Breathe Again
Note to the readers:
I have not written a blog in a long time, maybe that is because of my busy schedule or because I have lost touch with the writer within me. Whatever the case may be I decided that this summer I would make it my mission to blog once a day (when time permits).
Have you ever had that moment, when your lungs ceased from working and everything around you seemed to be closing in on you? Call it a panic attack, or a vivid imagination but sometimes life has a way of stopping you from breathing. Of course, it isn’t long enough to kill you, but long enough to make you realize that something is wrong.
For the past few weeks I felt as if I could not breathe. I felt as if life was closing in on me and I had nowhere to go. Trapped. However, I am finally able to breathe again because I am no longer allowing life to dictate how I feel or how I cope. Life happens, this we all know is true. Sometimes the challenges are minor and easily overcame, and other times, the challenges are greater and require a greater strength. But when you feel like you are suffocating, what do you do? What does anyone do in that situation?
I learned that it is easier to cry, get angry, forget eating diet plans, and sleep in bed and when all of that fails, I bury myself in my work. Coping is such a personal process, whether you are coping with death, a failed relationship or personal struggles.
“All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again “—Sara Bareilles
After a recent break-up, I was really a hot mess. I was drinking by myself and still kind of shocked on how everything went down. While I won’t get into the details, to spare my friend’s feelings, it was an eye-opener. Although our romantic relationship didn’t last, I can honestly say I’ve found a great friendship with him. Although he is not perfect, and there are some things he needs to deal with, I realized that every one that has entered or left my life has done so for a greater reason then I will ever realize. So dealing with the break-up, and all of the insecurities that came with it, I realized I had stopped breathing for a while. That was easy for me to do, I retreated to what I know best: my work.
However, coping with life’s ups and downs is not simple and it is always a process. Sometimes you have to cry, and other times you have to pull yourself up, wipe your face and move on. The process is not as simple as I am writing it to be however I know that the process is one that we must all endure and go through at least once or twice in our lifetime. Whether it is dealing with the death of a love one or dealing with a failed relationship it needs to be done. Don’t turn to vices, or abusive behavior, take the time to really cope and grow from the experience.
I have begun to breathe again and in that process I have found a greater sense of self-awareness and appreciation for all that I have. As the air begins to fill my lungs, and I exhale, I can say that I am a better person at the end of it all and no matter where life takes me next; I know I will breathe again.
I have not written a blog in a long time, maybe that is because of my busy schedule or because I have lost touch with the writer within me. Whatever the case may be I decided that this summer I would make it my mission to blog once a day (when time permits).
Have you ever had that moment, when your lungs ceased from working and everything around you seemed to be closing in on you? Call it a panic attack, or a vivid imagination but sometimes life has a way of stopping you from breathing. Of course, it isn’t long enough to kill you, but long enough to make you realize that something is wrong.
For the past few weeks I felt as if I could not breathe. I felt as if life was closing in on me and I had nowhere to go. Trapped. However, I am finally able to breathe again because I am no longer allowing life to dictate how I feel or how I cope. Life happens, this we all know is true. Sometimes the challenges are minor and easily overcame, and other times, the challenges are greater and require a greater strength. But when you feel like you are suffocating, what do you do? What does anyone do in that situation?
I learned that it is easier to cry, get angry, forget eating diet plans, and sleep in bed and when all of that fails, I bury myself in my work. Coping is such a personal process, whether you are coping with death, a failed relationship or personal struggles.
“All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again “—Sara Bareilles
After a recent break-up, I was really a hot mess. I was drinking by myself and still kind of shocked on how everything went down. While I won’t get into the details, to spare my friend’s feelings, it was an eye-opener. Although our romantic relationship didn’t last, I can honestly say I’ve found a great friendship with him. Although he is not perfect, and there are some things he needs to deal with, I realized that every one that has entered or left my life has done so for a greater reason then I will ever realize. So dealing with the break-up, and all of the insecurities that came with it, I realized I had stopped breathing for a while. That was easy for me to do, I retreated to what I know best: my work.
However, coping with life’s ups and downs is not simple and it is always a process. Sometimes you have to cry, and other times you have to pull yourself up, wipe your face and move on. The process is not as simple as I am writing it to be however I know that the process is one that we must all endure and go through at least once or twice in our lifetime. Whether it is dealing with the death of a love one or dealing with a failed relationship it needs to be done. Don’t turn to vices, or abusive behavior, take the time to really cope and grow from the experience.
I have begun to breathe again and in that process I have found a greater sense of self-awareness and appreciation for all that I have. As the air begins to fill my lungs, and I exhale, I can say that I am a better person at the end of it all and no matter where life takes me next; I know I will breathe again.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Love Happens
When you least expect it, life will introduce you to someone you didn't even think could exist. Your ideal kind of person, the kind of person that you catch yourself thinking about. The kind of person that you just want to listen to all day, because what they have to say, has some great importance.
We live in a day with online-dating, social media, and this anti-social stigma due to technology. So it doesn't happen as often, but you can be walking down the street and meet the person you've been waiting for to enter your life. You can ride your bike, and notice the person. You can be walking into a store, and catch a glimpse of the person you've been dreaming about.
Truth is, love actually does happen. You just have to give it time, and let your destiny unfold. Don't try to force the outcome, don't try to project your desire onto the wrong person, because that just leads to disappointment and heartache.
I am not in love, and I don't know why I felt inspired to write this today but I will say this, if you are single, and feeling lonely, and as if no one will ever want you- don't doubt yourself and stay true to who you are. I can assure you that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for all that you are. The good, the bad, and the other baggage we tend to carry around with us.
I recently met a guy, and for anyone who knows me, that is nearly impossible to do because of my busy schedule, and the beauty about this guy, is that fate just happen to let our paths cross. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, but I am excited to see how this new found friend and I turn out.
I am in no rush to get into a relationship, but for all you other single people, who, like myself might think of giving up, and just focusing on your career, know that it will happen when you least expect it. Know that love happens after all, as long as you let life take you there, and don't try to micro-manage every aspect.
The only way to let live,and let love is to be open to all the possibilities around you and know that there is someone out there, waiting to cross paths with you.
We live in a day with online-dating, social media, and this anti-social stigma due to technology. So it doesn't happen as often, but you can be walking down the street and meet the person you've been waiting for to enter your life. You can ride your bike, and notice the person. You can be walking into a store, and catch a glimpse of the person you've been dreaming about.
Truth is, love actually does happen. You just have to give it time, and let your destiny unfold. Don't try to force the outcome, don't try to project your desire onto the wrong person, because that just leads to disappointment and heartache.
I am not in love, and I don't know why I felt inspired to write this today but I will say this, if you are single, and feeling lonely, and as if no one will ever want you- don't doubt yourself and stay true to who you are. I can assure you that there is someone out there who will appreciate you for all that you are. The good, the bad, and the other baggage we tend to carry around with us.
I recently met a guy, and for anyone who knows me, that is nearly impossible to do because of my busy schedule, and the beauty about this guy, is that fate just happen to let our paths cross. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, but I am excited to see how this new found friend and I turn out.
I am in no rush to get into a relationship, but for all you other single people, who, like myself might think of giving up, and just focusing on your career, know that it will happen when you least expect it. Know that love happens after all, as long as you let life take you there, and don't try to micro-manage every aspect.
The only way to let live,and let love is to be open to all the possibilities around you and know that there is someone out there, waiting to cross paths with you.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Deny Every Feeling
Nothing is harder than admitting that something has a greater affect on you then you would like. So how do you pretend it doesn't bother you? You deny every feeling that tells you otherwise. Yes, it starts by lying to yourself, and that's okay sometimes.
Truth is, being in denial can be a double-edge sword; negative side is the fact that you are ignoring the reality of the situation, and the positive side is that you are protected, at least for a brief time.
I struggled with something recently, it required me to be honest and open, but some words I wouldn't say, and I had to fight back some tears. I don't know why the situation was bothering me so much, because I really don't care-- oh perhaps me saying "I don't care" was just my way of denying the harsh reality. I still think denying every feeling is better than admitting how you truly feel, because if you were to admit everything at once, it would leave you EXPOSED- open, vulnerable, and prone to more pain.
But what happens to the words unsaid? The sentence you wish you could have formed in your head, and spoken aloud?
You swallow them, compress them deep within your core, and you ignore every gut feeling telling you to say them. Deny every feeling, and in time, they should fade away, at least from the surface, and buried too deep to be seen ever again.
It is hard, to deny something that is true. But life has a way of working itself out, and denial is just a phase--one I am willing to live in.
Truth is, being in denial can be a double-edge sword; negative side is the fact that you are ignoring the reality of the situation, and the positive side is that you are protected, at least for a brief time.
I struggled with something recently, it required me to be honest and open, but some words I wouldn't say, and I had to fight back some tears. I don't know why the situation was bothering me so much, because I really don't care-- oh perhaps me saying "I don't care" was just my way of denying the harsh reality. I still think denying every feeling is better than admitting how you truly feel, because if you were to admit everything at once, it would leave you EXPOSED- open, vulnerable, and prone to more pain.
But what happens to the words unsaid? The sentence you wish you could have formed in your head, and spoken aloud?
You swallow them, compress them deep within your core, and you ignore every gut feeling telling you to say them. Deny every feeling, and in time, they should fade away, at least from the surface, and buried too deep to be seen ever again.
It is hard, to deny something that is true. But life has a way of working itself out, and denial is just a phase--one I am willing to live in.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
When The Cookie Crumbles
I sometimes take for granted all of the fortune my life has had, when I focus heavily on the negative aspects. For much like when a cookie crumb falls, we get so preoccupied with the crumbs, that we forget to enjoy the cookie.
Weird analogy I know, but after the day I had, that's all I could think of. Yes, I also know that writing this as if I was directly speaking to you can be a little odd, but nonetheless, when the cookie crumbles, our stomachs rumble.
Okay okay, that was also lame! This has nothing to do with cookies, eating, or even crumbs, this has to do with the process in which I am currently in, trying to nitpick every aspect of my life, as I attempt to take full control.
Like when crumbs fall, you have no say where or how they land, you just attempt to pick them up, and clean. If we would apply the same idea in our lives, I think we'd live a happier life. If we let go, and gave up that control issue we develop in time, I bet your life, and mine would fall exactly into the place it was meant to.
To many times we try to force things to occur, taking away from the organic process of all of the various wonders in life. For a while, I've been stressing over my lack of social and romantic life. Yes, the cookie is crumbling and yes, no one is trying to clean up the crumbs.
I have learned that all things will unfold in their own time, and how that happens is in NO WAY in my control. Being this strong person, and very anal about structure, it is difficult for me, but like anything in life, some things are just better left to figure out itself.
So as my life begins to take me on this unknown journey, as the crumbs of my life begin to fall, I will not try to clean up, and decide where the crumbs will go, instead, like the cookie that crumbles, I will relish in the new delights, and take it one small crumb at a time.
Weird analogy I know, but after the day I had, that's all I could think of. Yes, I also know that writing this as if I was directly speaking to you can be a little odd, but nonetheless, when the cookie crumbles, our stomachs rumble.
Okay okay, that was also lame! This has nothing to do with cookies, eating, or even crumbs, this has to do with the process in which I am currently in, trying to nitpick every aspect of my life, as I attempt to take full control.
Like when crumbs fall, you have no say where or how they land, you just attempt to pick them up, and clean. If we would apply the same idea in our lives, I think we'd live a happier life. If we let go, and gave up that control issue we develop in time, I bet your life, and mine would fall exactly into the place it was meant to.
To many times we try to force things to occur, taking away from the organic process of all of the various wonders in life. For a while, I've been stressing over my lack of social and romantic life. Yes, the cookie is crumbling and yes, no one is trying to clean up the crumbs.
I have learned that all things will unfold in their own time, and how that happens is in NO WAY in my control. Being this strong person, and very anal about structure, it is difficult for me, but like anything in life, some things are just better left to figure out itself.
So as my life begins to take me on this unknown journey, as the crumbs of my life begin to fall, I will not try to clean up, and decide where the crumbs will go, instead, like the cookie that crumbles, I will relish in the new delights, and take it one small crumb at a time.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Inspiration: A Social Media Story
For anyone who is my friend on Facebook, they would know that I am a Facebook junkie and I always use it to network and connect with new people.
About 6-8 months ago I came across this video on Youtube, the video was a contemporary dance solo choreographed to Katie Thompson's song, "It Doesn't Hurt" which I am absolutely in LOVE with. It was because of Katie, that I was searching Youtube for different dance videos. I came across this one video choreographed by a gifted choreographer, and the dancer was amazing. I felt so inspired by the video that I shared it with my Facebook Network of friends.
Several months later, I came across the video again, and then I realized that the choreographer had other pieces of work so I began to watch. After watching a few videos, I decided that I would be the Facebook Junkie that I am, and I would try to see if I could find the choreographer on Facebook. To my surprise, I was able to find her, and I sent her a message right away.
That amazing choreographer is Marinda Davis, an inspiration for a young choreographer like myself. I didn't expect her to reply to my message, or my Friend Request, she replied to both. I initially reached out to her so she could be a guest choreographer for my dance company, marked dance project. Due to her hectic schedule, she and I said we would re-visit that prospect in the near future.
However, I was so moved by her work that I had to work with her soon, so I was able to schedule her for a contemporary master class at William Paterson University.
I was excited that I was going to finally meet the person who I have only known online, through social media. Her choreography really touched me, inspired me, and I felt like a little kid the day of the class.
People say that I am on Facebook too much, but if it wasn't for me coming across that video on Youtube, and finding her on Facebook, I wouldn't have met her or been touched by her movement. Friends and I were just in awe during the class, and the best part is that I met her Assistant who was the dancer I saw in the initial video for "It Doesn't Hurt", when I realized it was her- I screamed like some crazy fan. Yes people she is uber talented.
So the moral of this blog, it's simple! Inspiration comes in all forms, and through various outlets- My meeting Marinda Davis and being able to take her Master Class was a Social Media Story of how I was inspired to reach out to her because of her talent. See, there is something good out of being a Facebook Junkie.
About 6-8 months ago I came across this video on Youtube, the video was a contemporary dance solo choreographed to Katie Thompson's song, "It Doesn't Hurt" which I am absolutely in LOVE with. It was because of Katie, that I was searching Youtube for different dance videos. I came across this one video choreographed by a gifted choreographer, and the dancer was amazing. I felt so inspired by the video that I shared it with my Facebook Network of friends.
Several months later, I came across the video again, and then I realized that the choreographer had other pieces of work so I began to watch. After watching a few videos, I decided that I would be the Facebook Junkie that I am, and I would try to see if I could find the choreographer on Facebook. To my surprise, I was able to find her, and I sent her a message right away.
That amazing choreographer is Marinda Davis, an inspiration for a young choreographer like myself. I didn't expect her to reply to my message, or my Friend Request, she replied to both. I initially reached out to her so she could be a guest choreographer for my dance company, marked dance project. Due to her hectic schedule, she and I said we would re-visit that prospect in the near future.
However, I was so moved by her work that I had to work with her soon, so I was able to schedule her for a contemporary master class at William Paterson University.
I was excited that I was going to finally meet the person who I have only known online, through social media. Her choreography really touched me, inspired me, and I felt like a little kid the day of the class.
People say that I am on Facebook too much, but if it wasn't for me coming across that video on Youtube, and finding her on Facebook, I wouldn't have met her or been touched by her movement. Friends and I were just in awe during the class, and the best part is that I met her Assistant who was the dancer I saw in the initial video for "It Doesn't Hurt", when I realized it was her- I screamed like some crazy fan. Yes people she is uber talented.
So the moral of this blog, it's simple! Inspiration comes in all forms, and through various outlets- My meeting Marinda Davis and being able to take her Master Class was a Social Media Story of how I was inspired to reach out to her because of her talent. See, there is something good out of being a Facebook Junkie.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Gentle Rejection
"Rejection, I'm fine with it, I'm an adult. It upsets me but I can deal with it. It doesn't make me question myself that much..."
is what one of my favorite artists, Adele said. She was referring to the inspiration behind her upcoming album.
Ironically enough, before I watched the video where she said the above quote, I had just received a gentle rejection from a guy I was interested in. I was stressing over something so simple-I wanted to let him know I was interested but feared the rejection I knew was coming.
Then something clicked and after I told him- he gave me a rejection so gentle, it rarely felt like rejection at all. In the past, rejection would seem like a personal attack on who I am. In time I recognized the fact that rejection wasn't a reason to change who I am, it was a reason to recognize that there is someone else out there that would appreciate me as I am.
It's a natural part of life, rejection that is. At times, our bodies reject us, and illness comes about. When another person rejects us, our hearts ache, and pain comes about.
However, how many times do we take into account why the rejection hurts or bothers? Is it because the other person doesn't want you, or because you want to be wanted but can't seem to find anyone who wants to want you?
Although I've experienced various forms of rejection, and will continue to face more as I go through life- there was something about today's rejection that was eye-opening. It was the first time that the rejection didn't seem personal, the first time where I didn't stop what I was doing and begin to 'blame myself for being the way I am' and that's why no one wants me.
No, beside the fact that he was a complete gentleman about it all, I've come to realize that you have to be who you are, no matter if your view on life is blurred or the perceptions others may have about you.
And remember, that rejection on the romantic level doesn't mean you and the other person can't be friends. Don't hold grudges or become bitter because then you will miss out on a potentially great friend.
Take rejection for what it is worth on the surface, and don't allow it to consume you and make you turn into this guarded individual because it is always better to attempt and fail, then to never attempt at all.
is what one of my favorite artists, Adele said. She was referring to the inspiration behind her upcoming album.
Ironically enough, before I watched the video where she said the above quote, I had just received a gentle rejection from a guy I was interested in. I was stressing over something so simple-I wanted to let him know I was interested but feared the rejection I knew was coming.
Then something clicked and after I told him- he gave me a rejection so gentle, it rarely felt like rejection at all. In the past, rejection would seem like a personal attack on who I am. In time I recognized the fact that rejection wasn't a reason to change who I am, it was a reason to recognize that there is someone else out there that would appreciate me as I am.
It's a natural part of life, rejection that is. At times, our bodies reject us, and illness comes about. When another person rejects us, our hearts ache, and pain comes about.
However, how many times do we take into account why the rejection hurts or bothers? Is it because the other person doesn't want you, or because you want to be wanted but can't seem to find anyone who wants to want you?
Although I've experienced various forms of rejection, and will continue to face more as I go through life- there was something about today's rejection that was eye-opening. It was the first time that the rejection didn't seem personal, the first time where I didn't stop what I was doing and begin to 'blame myself for being the way I am' and that's why no one wants me.
No, beside the fact that he was a complete gentleman about it all, I've come to realize that you have to be who you are, no matter if your view on life is blurred or the perceptions others may have about you.
And remember, that rejection on the romantic level doesn't mean you and the other person can't be friends. Don't hold grudges or become bitter because then you will miss out on a potentially great friend.
Take rejection for what it is worth on the surface, and don't allow it to consume you and make you turn into this guarded individual because it is always better to attempt and fail, then to never attempt at all.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Secrets We Hold
On June 30th, it will be one year since I graduated from high school. While my high school years had its good and bad moments, I will always look back with a sense of bittersweetness. I was one of a few handful of people who were openly gay, and others were straight, in the closet, or simply in denial.
Yet, somehow almost a year later, I look back at my high school class and I see people differently. We've grown up a lot, while some have fallen off the map, and others are excelling, and a few- are in the middle. I have to say, for the most part, I look at individuals and wonder where they, and I will be in 2020.
I've learned about the secrets some of us have held, the fact that my thoughts were not wrong, and that some people were gay all along. It isn't about being gay or bi-sexual, or confused- this blog has to do with the fact that in just a short time, the secrets we've held for the last four years are unfolding.
The masks are cracking, and the truth revealed, so now I imagine my 10 year class reunion as a mix between a typical school day at Rosa Parks and the Pride Parade. I may have been one of the few who were bold enough, sure enough, and strong enough to be openly gay- but the few of us is just a small representation of the bigger number. Yes, people who use to attack me or show strong disgust of homosexuality- are indeed gay/bi-sexual themselves.
Those who were afraid to speak out, are now speaking out and are keeping their head high. The secrets we held for all of this time, are coming out in the light, for all to see.
This is not a bad thing, and I am not writing this blog to out anyone, so there will be no names but for those who may read this and knows it applies to you-- I am happy you are coming to grips with who you are. Knowing who you are is the first step of progress and as you continue to grow in life, I am certain you will be able to speak of the secrets, and let it all go.
No more lies, no more hiding, no more feeding into the homophobic facade-- no more fighting. You think people don't know, but they do, and even after they find out- they don't think any differently of you.
So in just a year, a lot of us have grown, some of us have lost our way, and others are soaring in the direction of their dreams, just remember, in ten years, what we kept trying to hide, will be revealed because no secret stays a secret forever.
Yet, somehow almost a year later, I look back at my high school class and I see people differently. We've grown up a lot, while some have fallen off the map, and others are excelling, and a few- are in the middle. I have to say, for the most part, I look at individuals and wonder where they, and I will be in 2020.
I've learned about the secrets some of us have held, the fact that my thoughts were not wrong, and that some people were gay all along. It isn't about being gay or bi-sexual, or confused- this blog has to do with the fact that in just a short time, the secrets we've held for the last four years are unfolding.
The masks are cracking, and the truth revealed, so now I imagine my 10 year class reunion as a mix between a typical school day at Rosa Parks and the Pride Parade. I may have been one of the few who were bold enough, sure enough, and strong enough to be openly gay- but the few of us is just a small representation of the bigger number. Yes, people who use to attack me or show strong disgust of homosexuality- are indeed gay/bi-sexual themselves.
Those who were afraid to speak out, are now speaking out and are keeping their head high. The secrets we held for all of this time, are coming out in the light, for all to see.
This is not a bad thing, and I am not writing this blog to out anyone, so there will be no names but for those who may read this and knows it applies to you-- I am happy you are coming to grips with who you are. Knowing who you are is the first step of progress and as you continue to grow in life, I am certain you will be able to speak of the secrets, and let it all go.
No more lies, no more hiding, no more feeding into the homophobic facade-- no more fighting. You think people don't know, but they do, and even after they find out- they don't think any differently of you.
So in just a year, a lot of us have grown, some of us have lost our way, and others are soaring in the direction of their dreams, just remember, in ten years, what we kept trying to hide, will be revealed because no secret stays a secret forever.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Reflective State Of Mind
When life begins to make me feel pressed against the wall, and everything seems to fall from my grasp--I try to think positive thoughts but sometimes, I can't enter that reflective state of mind.
Someone described me as a person that is always "on the fence" and ready to defend himself, and another person said my filter is missing. Yes, that is all true! Sometimes, I should filter myself before I speak and I can't help but be on the fence.
What am I suppose to do, when being who I am has gotten me to where I am today? They call my strong personality and my inability to filter my thoughts before speaking as possible hindrances but how much of me do I change? At what cost do I begin to change who I am, so that others can think differently of me?
For years, I tried to be what people wanted from me. I never asked to become this role model, the inspiration for some one's aspirations. I didn't ask to be put on this pedestal and yet, there are people who place me at a level of accountability that I do not think is fair. Then there are those who critic me, and I think people sometimes forget that everyone has flaws.
I spent a long time trying to please everyone and all that gave me were wet pillow sheets from the tears caused by trying to be anyone but me. So maybe I am on the fence, because I came to realize that I couldn't sit back and play the role they tried to give me. I couldn't be her ideal son, or the bastard child that sat in silence as my father laid his hands on a woman.
I didn't want to be that disabled individual limited and sheltered because of fear of injury. I didn't want people to think I was less of a man because I ended up discovering that my sexuality was not what society wanted from me.
Growing up in the inner-city, drugs, violence and poverty was a constant reminder that I did not want to get stuck within my City lines. A reminder that I had to push myself, physically and mentally to go beyond the scope of the expected, and prove to all of those who doubted me that I could.
I stomped on those obstacles to get where I am today, but NOT once did I step on someone to arrive at my destination, nor will I ever step over another to enhance myself.
People can be unsatisfied with me, they can judge me because my words carry out a strong, opinionated tone. Sometimes I am wrong, and when I am, my heart and conscious tells me that I need to rethink and react differently. I wonder at times, what my life would have been if I didn't use the motivation given to me by my upbringing as a way to get me out of my circumstance.
What upsets me though, is not so much the individual(s) opinion(s), it's the fact that they don't take the time to look at my heart. I may be loud, proud, stubborn, passionate, intense, and at times intimidating but my heart's intent is always in the right place. I rather help someone I don't know, do what I can to help someone else- then to just take my time off to relax. I am not one that says "No" to someone in need, and while I don't have much, my little bit would not stop me from giving it to another who needed it more.
Yet, so many people will disregard the positive and dwell on the negatives- it hurts, it saddens my heart that my love and affection for others is not always seen the way I would hope it would.
Then I remind myself that I can't please everyone, and that some people don't deserve the amount of time and energy I spend on them, as I try to explain to them that I am not this cold hearted person.
At some point though, even a good heart hardens.
Someone described me as a person that is always "on the fence" and ready to defend himself, and another person said my filter is missing. Yes, that is all true! Sometimes, I should filter myself before I speak and I can't help but be on the fence.
What am I suppose to do, when being who I am has gotten me to where I am today? They call my strong personality and my inability to filter my thoughts before speaking as possible hindrances but how much of me do I change? At what cost do I begin to change who I am, so that others can think differently of me?
For years, I tried to be what people wanted from me. I never asked to become this role model, the inspiration for some one's aspirations. I didn't ask to be put on this pedestal and yet, there are people who place me at a level of accountability that I do not think is fair. Then there are those who critic me, and I think people sometimes forget that everyone has flaws.
I spent a long time trying to please everyone and all that gave me were wet pillow sheets from the tears caused by trying to be anyone but me. So maybe I am on the fence, because I came to realize that I couldn't sit back and play the role they tried to give me. I couldn't be her ideal son, or the bastard child that sat in silence as my father laid his hands on a woman.
I didn't want to be that disabled individual limited and sheltered because of fear of injury. I didn't want people to think I was less of a man because I ended up discovering that my sexuality was not what society wanted from me.
Growing up in the inner-city, drugs, violence and poverty was a constant reminder that I did not want to get stuck within my City lines. A reminder that I had to push myself, physically and mentally to go beyond the scope of the expected, and prove to all of those who doubted me that I could.
I stomped on those obstacles to get where I am today, but NOT once did I step on someone to arrive at my destination, nor will I ever step over another to enhance myself.
People can be unsatisfied with me, they can judge me because my words carry out a strong, opinionated tone. Sometimes I am wrong, and when I am, my heart and conscious tells me that I need to rethink and react differently. I wonder at times, what my life would have been if I didn't use the motivation given to me by my upbringing as a way to get me out of my circumstance.
What upsets me though, is not so much the individual(s) opinion(s), it's the fact that they don't take the time to look at my heart. I may be loud, proud, stubborn, passionate, intense, and at times intimidating but my heart's intent is always in the right place. I rather help someone I don't know, do what I can to help someone else- then to just take my time off to relax. I am not one that says "No" to someone in need, and while I don't have much, my little bit would not stop me from giving it to another who needed it more.
Yet, so many people will disregard the positive and dwell on the negatives- it hurts, it saddens my heart that my love and affection for others is not always seen the way I would hope it would.
Then I remind myself that I can't please everyone, and that some people don't deserve the amount of time and energy I spend on them, as I try to explain to them that I am not this cold hearted person.
At some point though, even a good heart hardens.
Friday, February 11, 2011
My Big White Room
In my big white room, I am all alone and I begin to go insane as I enter a place of reflection. As the thoughts cross my mind and images appear out of thin air, I wonder if I have gone mad.
For the past week or so, only one thing has crossed my mind- Valentine's Day and how down it makes me feel. I'm going to say this with no intention of sounding cocky, but dammit I AM ATTRACTIVE. Better than that, is my intelligence. Yet, I tend to live out the 14th of every February that passes and be forced into thinking why I am the lonesome guy that I am.
Of course, this led me into thinking that I was the problem and self-loathe developed. The more I began to hate myself, my body, and everything that I can't alter- the more my big white room developed, and there wasn't enough padding on the walls when I started running into them.
Tonight, I stare around my room, and the walls stare back at me and it feels as if I am being judged. As if they are looking at me, and thinking of all the errors I've made so far in life, and the guilt falls on top of me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I over think everything in my life, and for a while, I thought making myself super busy would prevent me from having to think about my life. The fact that guys don't want me, that my immediate family and I aren't as close as we'd all like to believe we were, and that although we live in 2011--my sexual preference still makes me a target among my community.
My big white room seems to be closing in on me, and I try to reach out and grab hold of some kind of foundation to plant my feet on, but at this point the room is spinning out of control and I am simply lost in it. As the walls crack, I become buried within the debris of this big white room that has developed within my mind.
For the past week or so, only one thing has crossed my mind- Valentine's Day and how down it makes me feel. I'm going to say this with no intention of sounding cocky, but dammit I AM ATTRACTIVE. Better than that, is my intelligence. Yet, I tend to live out the 14th of every February that passes and be forced into thinking why I am the lonesome guy that I am.
Of course, this led me into thinking that I was the problem and self-loathe developed. The more I began to hate myself, my body, and everything that I can't alter- the more my big white room developed, and there wasn't enough padding on the walls when I started running into them.
Tonight, I stare around my room, and the walls stare back at me and it feels as if I am being judged. As if they are looking at me, and thinking of all the errors I've made so far in life, and the guilt falls on top of me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I over think everything in my life, and for a while, I thought making myself super busy would prevent me from having to think about my life. The fact that guys don't want me, that my immediate family and I aren't as close as we'd all like to believe we were, and that although we live in 2011--my sexual preference still makes me a target among my community.
My big white room seems to be closing in on me, and I try to reach out and grab hold of some kind of foundation to plant my feet on, but at this point the room is spinning out of control and I am simply lost in it. As the walls crack, I become buried within the debris of this big white room that has developed within my mind.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Saying Nothing Says Everything
I think about the people who committed suicide, when silence became a prison, they couldn't escape from. When saying nothing becomes expected, and when we are to distracted to notice a person's silence, who do we blame?
Many family members and friends say that they didn't see any signs, any red flags that would indicate that the person they thought they knew- was going to decide their own departure from this world.
We want to think that the facade of happiness is enough, that the smiles aren't just a mask, and that the laughter isn't just a way to hold back the harsh words they can't or won't say.
But why? Why is it that so many people bottle up their emotions? Or try to hide how they feel?
Is it out of fear? Are they scared to be seen as people who may be emotionally unstable, or weak?
We must stop pretending that this generation of teens and young adults are living in an easier world dictated by technology. In fact, not much has changed since our parents grew up- the bullying, and degrading behavior still occurs. The fact that we ignore the silence, as "typical" behavior for a growing person, clearly indicates that progress has not been made. The vehicle in which bullying or belittling occurs may be different, due to techno-logic advances, but the damage is all the same.
Let us stop pretending not to hear the silent cries, not to think of suicide as a growing epidemic that we've been disregarding for decades.
Because the truth of the matter is this-- saying nothing says everything, and when a person isn't speaking out about how he or she may feel, or when you think there's nothing wrong, no 'red flags'-- take a minute to 'listen', but 'listen' to what the person IS NOT SAYING, just as much as you may be listening to what they are saying.
If you or someone you may know needs help, feels depressed or may feel suicidal, there are plenty of resources that one can reach out to.
The Trevor Project is a non-profit organization who aims to prevent suicide within the LGBT community:
The Trevor Lifeline
(866) 4-U-TREVOR
(866) 488-7386
Please know, it gets better.
Many family members and friends say that they didn't see any signs, any red flags that would indicate that the person they thought they knew- was going to decide their own departure from this world.
We want to think that the facade of happiness is enough, that the smiles aren't just a mask, and that the laughter isn't just a way to hold back the harsh words they can't or won't say.
But why? Why is it that so many people bottle up their emotions? Or try to hide how they feel?
Is it out of fear? Are they scared to be seen as people who may be emotionally unstable, or weak?
We must stop pretending that this generation of teens and young adults are living in an easier world dictated by technology. In fact, not much has changed since our parents grew up- the bullying, and degrading behavior still occurs. The fact that we ignore the silence, as "typical" behavior for a growing person, clearly indicates that progress has not been made. The vehicle in which bullying or belittling occurs may be different, due to techno-logic advances, but the damage is all the same.
Let us stop pretending not to hear the silent cries, not to think of suicide as a growing epidemic that we've been disregarding for decades.
Because the truth of the matter is this-- saying nothing says everything, and when a person isn't speaking out about how he or she may feel, or when you think there's nothing wrong, no 'red flags'-- take a minute to 'listen', but 'listen' to what the person IS NOT SAYING, just as much as you may be listening to what they are saying.
If you or someone you may know needs help, feels depressed or may feel suicidal, there are plenty of resources that one can reach out to.
The Trevor Project is a non-profit organization who aims to prevent suicide within the LGBT community:
The Trevor Lifeline
(866) 4-U-TREVOR
(866) 488-7386
Please know, it gets better.
Strong Personality: Double Edge Sword
I am a very opionated person, and some say that my personality is a little too strong. I think about how that affects my life, and some of the resistance I get.
Then I think about where I am today, and where I could have been had I not have the personality I do today. People use to tell me that my dreams were unrealistic and not do-able. People weren't quiet in telling me how they felt, or about their doubt.
So I wasn't quiet about how I felt, what I could do, and at times, I let my actions speak for themselves.
I am in college, and some people think I am "too strong" when it comes to my approach to things and people- but my work ethic and standards are simple in my eyes.
1) Organization is vital. If everything is organized, it allows for more effective work to get done.
2) Hard work is the only way to accomplish something; no one who sits idle, and sits waiting for something to happen will never accomplish anything beyond the scope of "waste of time". No great achievement was ever achieved by someone who didn't stand up, work hard, and saw things through.
I understand that my persona may be difficult for others, and understood by most-- but I am not the kind of person who stays silent, and just hopes that everything is going to fall into place.
Yet, it truly is a double-edge sword. Being misunderstood by individuals, and disliked by people is not always the greatest feeling to have.
But then I think about this- those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, won't mind.
Like it, love it, or hate it-- I am who I am, and I can only be me. I won't sacrafice who I am, what I believe in, or alter my standards for anyone.
Guess that double-edge sword cuts deep, when paired with a strong personality.
Then I think about where I am today, and where I could have been had I not have the personality I do today. People use to tell me that my dreams were unrealistic and not do-able. People weren't quiet in telling me how they felt, or about their doubt.
So I wasn't quiet about how I felt, what I could do, and at times, I let my actions speak for themselves.
I am in college, and some people think I am "too strong" when it comes to my approach to things and people- but my work ethic and standards are simple in my eyes.
1) Organization is vital. If everything is organized, it allows for more effective work to get done.
2) Hard work is the only way to accomplish something; no one who sits idle, and sits waiting for something to happen will never accomplish anything beyond the scope of "waste of time". No great achievement was ever achieved by someone who didn't stand up, work hard, and saw things through.
I understand that my persona may be difficult for others, and understood by most-- but I am not the kind of person who stays silent, and just hopes that everything is going to fall into place.
Yet, it truly is a double-edge sword. Being misunderstood by individuals, and disliked by people is not always the greatest feeling to have.
But then I think about this- those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, won't mind.
Like it, love it, or hate it-- I am who I am, and I can only be me. I won't sacrafice who I am, what I believe in, or alter my standards for anyone.
Guess that double-edge sword cuts deep, when paired with a strong personality.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Domestic War
“No one has shown any connection whatsoever between these games and tragic incidents such as Littleton, or to youth violence in general, ... But countless studies have shown a linkage of youth violence to factors such as poverty, lack of parental involvement, family violence, untreated mental illness, the proliferation of guns, substance abuse and illegal drug wars.”--Don Tapscott
just another genocide
created by self-destructive minorities
guns are like their white picket fences
part of our neighborhoods
but the red body of water
flowing down our streets
is just the latest decor in the hood
and the stain left behind
is just the paving the government
won't pay for
the body bags are in demand
while education isn't part of our supply
just another dead nigga,
another spic
another number for the statistic
while many roam the streets,
meeting their dealer,
society sits back
and lets our race erase
not by their hands
but the colored hands
that made our people strong
the very same hands that have us living wrong
taking our own lives
collateral damage
so metal scraps,
have undone our progress
we are living in the domestic war,
and we won't survive
Violence is running amok in our society today, and the inner-cities have become a graveyard where the living are constant visitors, and the dead seem to be the permanent residents.
I am tired of relatives, friends, friends of friends, and people in my City killing one another, and tired of the lack of involvement from local police. The madness must end, and the love needs to begin.
The government is suppose to service it's countrymen and women, well I need service, my neighborhood needs service, and life should be given a fair chance- for every human being.
We're so preoccupied with the violence overseas that are killing our troops and many others, that we're forgetting the violence threatening our homeland security. Right here, on our domestic front, guns, violence and hatred is running rapid and taking countless of lives. When will we say "ENOUGH" and put an end to the silent war happening on our soil?
This domestic war has taken thousands of lives, but what do we say about that? "Just another nigga, another spic- let those people kill themselves."-- we need to end the wars overseas, and the war right here, in the great United States of America, the home of the free, brave, and casualties.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Coming Out
" If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. "~ Johann von Goethe
I am such a passionate person, a person who cares so much for others. Yet, I am constantly colliding into a wall. The wall society created, a wall meant to entrap individuals like myself, from being themselves, from being open and feeling safe.
So many once believed that African-Americans were not equal, or entitled to all of the same rights and protections offered by the U.S Constitution. Now in 2011, many Gay Americans are still struggling for equality, for protection.
It frustrates me that I am made a target, a target for people to attack, belittle or make a mockery of. For some people, it's no big deal, just words, there's no basis for it. Yet, so many young people have killed themselves because of bullying done through the internet, or in person.
So many people justify their bigotry by hiding behind religion. Just like they use to use biblical references to explain why slavery wasn't a crime against humanity.
I think back at the time, the day I decided I would tell others, and then my mother. I think back and say to myself, "Mark, you were so naive", because I was unaware of the dangers that came with being open about who you are. I've never regretted my decision to come out, and I never will. However, the times when I would be standing at the bus stop, waiting for it to arrive, and people would drive by shouting "Fag" and other degrading terms, made me think about how my life would have been had I stayed in the closet.
In 2010, so many young gay men took their lives for various reasons and the truth is, so many other young teens are out there- straight and gay struggling because our society has FORGOTTEN the horrors that comes when one enters middle school and high school.
My favorite author wrote this in a novel called "The Pact", "Adults, light-years away from this, rolled their eyes and smirked and said, "this too shall pass" - as if adolescence was a disease like chicken pox, something everyone recalled as a mild nuisance, completely forgetting how painful it had been at the time."- Jodi Picoult.
So parents, love ones, and teachers are missing the signs, seeing the look of pain across young adults as typical but nothing about our society and this generation is "typical".
People are really struggling, and they want to come out, but they are scarred of the consequences that shouldn't even exist.
Coming out was hard, and it's hard being a Gay Latino, but what would have been harder for me, was pretending to look at girls, answering the common question asked by relatives, "Mark, so where's your girlfriend?", and living a double life. I understand that silence is safer for some, but I encourage people to come out and come clean, at least come clean to yourself, if you can't come clean to others.
I am such a passionate person, a person who cares so much for others. Yet, I am constantly colliding into a wall. The wall society created, a wall meant to entrap individuals like myself, from being themselves, from being open and feeling safe.
So many once believed that African-Americans were not equal, or entitled to all of the same rights and protections offered by the U.S Constitution. Now in 2011, many Gay Americans are still struggling for equality, for protection.
It frustrates me that I am made a target, a target for people to attack, belittle or make a mockery of. For some people, it's no big deal, just words, there's no basis for it. Yet, so many young people have killed themselves because of bullying done through the internet, or in person.
So many people justify their bigotry by hiding behind religion. Just like they use to use biblical references to explain why slavery wasn't a crime against humanity.
"Homophobia is like racism and anti-Semitism and other forms of bigotry in that it seeks to dehumanize a large group of people, to deny their humanity, their dignity and personhood."--Coretta Scott King
I think back at the time, the day I decided I would tell others, and then my mother. I think back and say to myself, "Mark, you were so naive", because I was unaware of the dangers that came with being open about who you are. I've never regretted my decision to come out, and I never will. However, the times when I would be standing at the bus stop, waiting for it to arrive, and people would drive by shouting "Fag" and other degrading terms, made me think about how my life would have been had I stayed in the closet.
In 2010, so many young gay men took their lives for various reasons and the truth is, so many other young teens are out there- straight and gay struggling because our society has FORGOTTEN the horrors that comes when one enters middle school and high school.
My favorite author wrote this in a novel called "The Pact", "Adults, light-years away from this, rolled their eyes and smirked and said, "this too shall pass" - as if adolescence was a disease like chicken pox, something everyone recalled as a mild nuisance, completely forgetting how painful it had been at the time."- Jodi Picoult.
So parents, love ones, and teachers are missing the signs, seeing the look of pain across young adults as typical but nothing about our society and this generation is "typical".
People are really struggling, and they want to come out, but they are scarred of the consequences that shouldn't even exist.
Coming out was hard, and it's hard being a Gay Latino, but what would have been harder for me, was pretending to look at girls, answering the common question asked by relatives, "Mark, so where's your girlfriend?", and living a double life. I understand that silence is safer for some, but I encourage people to come out and come clean, at least come clean to yourself, if you can't come clean to others.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011
The new year begins with me feeling sick beyond belief. I've been on "bed rest" for two days, and that means I can barely move. It hurts to even type this blog.
In a couple more weeks, I will be back to school and I am looking forward to the Spring Semester, and to be back on Campus.
I guess I wanted vacation, but someone like myself has a hard time laying in bed all day, and even a harder time with nothing to do.
Reading, Facebook, and texting gets boring after a while.
Craving for those busy weeks ahead, those long days where sleep and I will barely know each other again. Those days where I am so tired, I don't even know how I manage to get ready. I am looking forward to this new year-- and to the new adventures it has to offer.
That's all I can manage to produce from my head at the moment, goodnight.
In a couple more weeks, I will be back to school and I am looking forward to the Spring Semester, and to be back on Campus.
I guess I wanted vacation, but someone like myself has a hard time laying in bed all day, and even a harder time with nothing to do.
Reading, Facebook, and texting gets boring after a while.
Craving for those busy weeks ahead, those long days where sleep and I will barely know each other again. Those days where I am so tired, I don't even know how I manage to get ready. I am looking forward to this new year-- and to the new adventures it has to offer.
That's all I can manage to produce from my head at the moment, goodnight.
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