Sex Machine: Automatic

Have you ever gone through a period in your life where sex seems to define everything? You're relationships, your interaction with men, or women, or even both.

When I first "came out", there was no one there to guide my way, no one to tell me to be careful, and no one to tell me that I could wait. Instead, I had individuals decide for me, decided what role I would play in this crazy film called life. They hammered at my self-esteem until all that was left, was my flesh and bone smashed.

At times, I felt my only value stemmed from my body, I guess in turn, that also affected the way I view my body, and myself. Of course I just gave up, fell down this pit where I became comfortable with my situation. A victim of circumstance, ignorance and stupidity. I thought, I wasn't good enough unless I gave whoever, whatever they wanted. See, I gave and gave, and just kept on giving and now there's nothing for me to give.

I feel like a black hole, just draining and destroying anything that is in my path--forgetting what it means to have a conversation through words, forgetting what it means to leave some imagination for the mind to ponder, forgetting I was not being served on a silver platter. My self-worth was determined by what other's thought I was worth, and that was my biggest mistake. I forgot that loving myself, was the most important person to love.

I began to self-loathe, I started giving up on myself, and I became this malfunctioned product. Suddenly, it all became automatic for me, and I was receiving no satisfaction from it afterwards.

It was as if every encounter removed one more layer of my self away, stripping me bare, until all that was left, was an image I couldn't stand to look at, a body I couldn't stand to live in, and skin that I wanted to scratch away.

After three years of living this way, I've decide that tonight, that all changes. I will learn to love myself unconditionally, to value myself like the diamond I am, and to teach others to respect my mind, body and spirit once I learned how to myself.

Some things in life aren't automatic, some things need to be done manually, and here I am, manually taking back my self-worth, my dignity and the love I lost for myself.

No longer will I be content with the vacancy that developed, no longer will I be a frail being with no sense of direction. I will find my own way, through my own journey of self-revalation.

Don't make the same mistake I did, always put yourself first, and never allow another person to mold you, create your own shape out of your clay, and love yourself that way.