This I Believe

(Before you read this, I have to state that I wrote everything below out of pure emotion and didn't take the writing structure or any of that kind of stuff into consideration- when the anger is gone, I will re-visit this blog and edit it.)

I am a very strong person, and I stand for what I believe in and while I've had a lot of struggle in my life, I try to see the good things in life. Whenever the discussion of religion comes up, I cringe- because for most of my life, I've spent it at the church, being involved, worshipping, attending as many services as I could.

Meanwhile, I was dealing with a struggle that I had been struggling with for a long time, I was a Gay believer. Yes, I figured out that I was gay, yet, I kept involvement in the church, and my faith was steady-- then I started to struggle because the little boy that use to doubt the lessons he learned in Sunday School, came out again, the little boy who doubted, provoked me to think.

Church had become nothing more than a political platform, the norm, what was expected of you by society and less about God. While I am aware of what the bible says, so spare me your vomit of scripture, I knew that God loved me despite of the "sin"- notice how homosexuality became the mainstream sin? The one that give other "Christians" the right to call someone else a fag, to show hate instead of love for thy neighbor.

The church became the poster child for hate and discrimination for homosexuals in America, so please remind me about the love of Jesus Christ, because that has been lacking.

Tonight, my aunt pressed me to go with her to some worship service, and as a way to spend time with her, and to make her happy- I went, despite the fact that I made the personal choice to STOP going to religious institutions of any kind, despite my better judgment, I went.

From the moment I got there, I felt like I couldn't breathe- all this talk of salvation, love, breaking off the shackles, removing the bondage. I was thrown into a place that I had long forgotten, the place I avoided-- because I was not connecting with God in that way, my relationship became estranged because church became a place where I felt judged, that place where people had to smile in your face, while gossiping behind your back. That place that spoke about the Love of God, yet, rarely showed it in times when it was most needed. You might be thinking that I am going off on a rant because of my own personal experience but let me assure you, I am not alone, and there are many out there who have had experiences with the church.

I am gay, I don't need to be swaddled, I don't need to be given sheets of paper with scripture references, and I didn't need to hear the word abomination over and over again. I needed to hear that God loves you despite your, well what we consider flaws, that you can still have a relationship with God, even through your gayness.

Tonight I also learned that my aunt still hopes that I will end up being straight- and I bluntly told her that I loved her and that me being straight was NOT going to happen. I told her I am gay, and that is the way I am and that wasn't going to change. We debated whether or not a person was born gay or if it was something that was nurtured.

I love my aunt a lot, but the fact that she still has this false hope is ridiculous.

My cousin and I just finished having a discussion on the same issue, and she said that 2 gay people together is wrong, that you decide to be gay and I explained to her that no one decides to become a target for another person's bigotry. Recently, there's been this "bi-sexual" trend occurring in our society because of Pop Culture, but people like me, who being gay is who they are and not just some fad, it's a reality that we have to deal with on a constant basis.

I want to imagine a place where everyone could live life in peace, living as they please- with no religious propaganda, because the world would be a better place if we just showed acceptance, love and equality, this I believe.

In The Works

Wanted to take a moment to write about all of the exciting things that are going to happen, in the works.

Currently, I am editing a book, the writer of the book is trying to self-publish it, and the book is my first taste of editing and it is also my first paying job outside the writing I've done for the newspaper. It has also inspired me to think more about my own book, "Crippled But Not Broken"-- it is something I've thought of doing for a long time. Within the next few years, I will start gathering the pieces and putting everything together.

I've also been trying to get as many photographs of me taken as possible, I really want to do some modeling. Currently, I am working on a photoshoot with a fellow RPHS alum, Ericka-- we will be tackling gay rights, and perceptions of homosexuals in this photoshoot. I will be modeling, as well as another male model. We are trying to get this photoshoot done before I start college, hopefully next week.

In the midst of all of these projects, and pending events- I will also bring back Hand-Cap Dance (I am trying to base it at William Paterson Uni as a school club, if I do, it will be named [Marked Dance Project], because I am fearful that if I use Hand-Cap Dance, I won't be able to retain the rights to the name, and I am avoiding any future issue.) However, none of the paperwork and basing can be done until school starts in a couple of weeks- so look out for audition notices.

I also plan on dancing for MarDelDance Youth Company, continue to work with The GIMP Project, and if my schedule permits, Freespace Dance Junior Company. I know that is a lot, in addition to school work and work study, but I will make it work.

In October, I have a special performance of God Made for an organization gala, MyGoal- and they've asked me to perform because they were so moved by the performance of the solo I created for school.

I will also spend a lot of time creating new pieces of work for isolated performances, but I also want to focus on resetting old material such as "Shattered Pieces" and "Pointless Love"-- and also "Brace It" if I am able to obtain props.

I also plan on doing several new piececs, and properly recording them, to archive them for future use.

I will also be taking Zumba and Pilates at school in the Fall, in order to stay in shape. I also hope to take dance class as much as possible else where.

ALL of these things are in the works- also, I am moving out of my home, and living on campus, so that in its self will be a journey and such a growing experience for me.

My life is in the works and I am excited to tackle all of it.

“Believe that you can obtain the impossible, and you will reach the realm of the unthinkable.”- Mark Travis Rivera

I've Never Been Prouder,

For the last few years, I've had pleasure of knowing you- despite our troubles, are good times, awkward silences- and intense discussions--I just want you to know I've never been prouder of anyone I know, the way I am proud of you.

You have grown so much in the last few years, and I am glad I was able to witness it.

YES I am writing about you, so don't question it, if you read this- know that I see great things for your future and you will be dancing for some amazing people, I can feel it.

I know our relationship has been one of great struggle, and bittersweet memories, and despite the craziness, I am so proud of the person you've become. Yes, you and I both admit that we still have room to grow, to mature, and to become better people;there's no doubt in my mind that you and I will do that.

Stay humble, stay real and don't complicate your life by over-thinking everything. Listen to your heart and don't get to hard on yourself, life gives you enough pressure so you don't have to add any upon yourself.

I am not certain where the next few years will take me, or you or us for that matter, but I just wanted to let you know that you have left a permanent mark on my heart, and I will never forget you.

A Honest Heart Never Lies

The movie, "The Holiday" made me think a lot, made me reflect. I have to start off this blog by saying that I am happy with my life, with the current relationship I am in, and the fact that the person I've come to care about-- is an amazing individual.

However, the movie made me think a lot about my past interesting enough. In the film, the character "Iris" has to learn to let go of the love she has for someone who doesn't deserve it in order for her to love someone who will love her in return.

I think we've all come to care about someone who didn't love you in return, and there is no greater challenge than to tell your heart to lie to itself, and to lie to you because a honest heart never lies.

For years, I cared about someone deeply, he was the inspiration behind some of my greater works, he was the reason behind a lot of my pains and confusion.

This film made me think of him, made me think about all those times that I'd let him make a fool out of me, because I would bend over backwards to help him, even through all of the terrible history, I was madly crazy over him. It's been a hard time realizing that some people will remain part of your life, even if they aren't around physically.

As much as I would like to admit that I am over him, that my feelings for him are absolutely vanquished-- a honest heart never lies.

I can say that I am moving on, and that I have found someone who has returned the affection, someone I can see myself being with and smiling and while things won't always be peachy or easy for that matter, I can honestly say that the problems we'll face won't be nearly as hard to endure, because I won't be taking the blunt of the troubles alone.

While I will always care about the person, while he will always remain that evasive white rabbit, I have to continue to dig myself out of the hole that is now my past, and look towards a brighter, better and more fulfilling future.

After all. a honest heart never lies.

Saturday Night In

I wrote that I would write a blog every day-- well here it is.

Today was the first day of what I consider to be my vacation. I am visiting family in Dover, a good 40 minutes away from where I live. Dover has a good blend of suburban/ city-like features.

I feel safe walking around the neighborhood at 3 AM in the morning, how do I know? Because I've done it many times growing up. Dover has been my home away from home, the place I would come whenever I didn't have school, where I could breathe fresh air (well as fresh as it gets here in North Jersey) and I could look up and actually see the light given to the night sky by the stars. In a city like mine, the Stars aren't able to be viewed the same way because of all the lights.

I like being able to walk to my relatives home and not worry about being called a "fag" or being stared down at. Okay, that stuff can occur anywhere I go, but why does it only happen in the place I call home?

I recently saw a show from The Crossover Project, which made me think-- "How do you define your home?"

My home is not the city in which I was raised, my home is here, in Dover- the place where I learned the meaning of true family traditions, the struggles, and the importance of living life without the added pressure that I find to be abundant in the inner-city.

So I am spending a Saturday night in doors watching movies and enjoying the calm and silence that comes from being home again.

New Found Commitment

For the last 6 weeks, I've spent my time reading and writing like crazy for the Summer Semester at my college, E.O.F program.

Throughout the semester, I relearned why writing was such an important part of my life, I understand why they use to call me "Mark The Writer". For a while, I lost the writer within me, the poetry was mundane and dance took over my every thought. This summer however, I was able to find a new commitment to my writing abilities and it starts tonight.

Every night before I go to bed, I will write a "Blog" or as I refer to them as my public journal, so get ready for a lot of blogs to come your way.

They might not always be long, but it doesn't matter if they are big or small, all that matters is that I keep up this new found commitment to writing again.

It was writing that has left a mark on me forever.