Sunday, October 21, 2012

An Open Letter To Another


10/21/12

This is not the conclusion I anticipated. It wasn’t the kind of conclusion I wanted but realizing that this is how it is always going to end makes me realize that I can’t keep holding on, hoping impulse would turn into action that actually would project us further.

This is not meant to be spiteful, nor difficult. This is me reclaiming my worth and realizing you were never going to treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated.

This is not meant to be complex. Though we both know this has been complex for a while now. The way we’re going is going to lead us further down the road, where one of us continues to get hurt while the other is living by the flow, afraid to show how they really feel.

This is not easy for me to write. To admit that though I care about you, though I know there’s a part of you that wants to cherish me, you won’t or can’t or simply don’t know how too. But I can’t teach you, can’t make you, and won’t force this on you. I have to move on and this means leaving you behind.

This is not about revenge; this is about letting go of the part of you that you’ve given me access to and recognizing that you aren’t ready to give me all of you. I can’t continue to let you have such access to me, the ability to come and go as you please, leaving me feeling like a fool.

This is not about being in denial; in fact, the truth is, I am getting past that. Which is why I am able to write this and truly mean every single word I am writing. Letting go of false hope, letting go of the ideal vision I had for the two of us.

This is not easy for me to accept either. Knowing that somewhere, deep down, there’s a part of you being restricted by fear. I stared into your dark brown eyes and knew that the energy that was flowing between us was not insincere.

“We live with what we miss, we learn to build another wall until it falls.”

This is goodbye. Despite how I feel, despite all the potential that lies between us and how much I care, this is goodbye.

This is me facing the truth. No more flip flopping, no more lying to myself. No more pretending to smile in front of you because there was a piece of me that wanted you in this capacity than not at all; having you at half capacity isn’t enough for me because my feelings for you are at full capacity, it is overflowing.

This is me departing. I am leaving with no intention of returning.

This is me wishing you the best, hoping you continue to grow.

This is me telling you that I’m finally letting go.  

-mark (@markingthepath)