Can You Relieve Me Of My Baggage?

I am a lot of things: a son, brother, uncle, friend, nephew, grandson, student, writer, dancer, cousin, a gay man, disabled...I come with a lot of baggage.

So when one gets into a relationship, it makes you wonder how much of you the person can really take before they wish they never walked into one's life?

A lot of people have baggage, for some, it's simply a carry on, for others, it's a bunch of suitcases. Some are neatly packed, others are simply tossed together.

So now I ask, can you relieve me of my baggage? Can you handle the fact that nothing about me is as easy as it seems?

For a long time, I was all about the carry on bag, the one I emptied and repacked every now and then, but now I am sharing the suitcase compartment and it's all an adjustment--however, it's one worth making.

Opening Up

I have to open up, and be completely honest with myself. When I invited him over, I had nothing but great intentions- then it all hit me, that night last week, how I felt, the anger, the pain and the confusion.

It all rushed back to me at once, and suddenly, I didn't want to open up as much as I wanted him to feel what I felt.

Sadly, my intent changed midway, and I turned into the monster I've always tried to keep at bay, underneath my surface. Suddenly, emotions and thoughts came bursting through my mind, forcing me to open up a side of me I didn't want him to see.

I want you to take your space, take your time-- and when we're ready, it will be right. If it's meant to be, I am certain it will flourish. I am opening up again, slowly.

I wasn't thinking about revenge, wasn't even thinking malicious thoughts until half way through our conversation. The light switch went on and the beast within me came out. Like the Incredible Hulk, I busted through the walls I created to prevent the beast from escaping, clawing my way through the guards. I was on a war path, of bittersweet pleasure, mixed with pain. Now the after taste lingers, and I am numb.

Losing control is not my style, but something tonight happened, and while I feel guilt, there is also a big sigh of relief, because tonight allowed me to truly open up and let it all out.

Now the process of recovery can occur. Guess there truly is a lesson to be learned when you open up.

The Revolving Closet Door

Many have heard of the phrase "In The Closet", but recently, that phrase has taken on a new meaning for me.

Recently, I met someone in college who is homosexual, and there was a lot of speculation regarding his sexual preference among others around me, and although I knew that he was gay, I didn't approach him about it.

Even if that meant that I was the only openly gay man, and felt alone in regard to the social atmosphere. Later on, the individual and I discussed the fact that he doesn't seem open about himself, and he simply stated that people from his high school, and hometown knew- but he didn't want anyone to know in college.

Before that conversation, I thought that once someone came out the closet that they were out for good. However, the closet door has now become a revolving door that seems to keep gays in and out of the closet.

This idea baffled me, I didn't understand why someone would come to college and feel the need to hide who they are, but then again everyone is different? Isn't college about experience and being open about who you are because we are outside the realm of high school and all of its bullshit.

I am so confused, isn't college suppose to be liberating? Yet, now I've been introduced to reverse "closeting" and it saddens me. I wish I could take everyone who struggles and show them the light at the end of the struggle, that light that I've been able to find.

So as the revolving closet door comes around to trap those who were once free, I hope that we stop the madness and realize that true freedom comes from being able to be yourself no matter what.

Now Life Begins,

For a while my blogs have been dedicated about personal issues, and about my romantic life, but this blog has nothing to do with that.

Last night, I realized that life has truly begun for me. This college experience has truly opened my eyes to new things. In the last week or so, I've met some great people, and others who I prefer not to surround myself with. the glorious thing is that in college, you don't have to surround yourself with people you differ with, you simply have to respect them and move on.

The days of high school drama over who doesn't like who, is gone. No, not entirely, but there seems to be a lower range of immaturity, -- the immaturity I've encountered in college thus far, has been a different kind of immaturity from high school.

I have to say I was scarred of being the token gay guy and not being able to get along with my male counterparts, but no need to fear, I've met some amazing people. Although I am not your typical guy, I've managed to adapt to my surroundings.

Now that life has begun for me, it makes me look back at the last four years, and how I wish I did some things differently. Though my past made helped teach me for the future, I wish I didn't have to go through as much as I did in order to get where I am today. You live and you learn and the next four years I will spend in college will help me grow even more.

As I continue to pursue my dreams, go on to new adventures, I may have to leave some people behind, I will meet new people and face new challeneges, yet I am not fearful because I know I can handle what ever comes my way.

I am no man of steel, but my heart is strong enough to endure. Life begins now, the old me is long gone, and the me now, is looking into the future and seeing great things. I am beyond the point of no return, I can't be the old me again, because this new me I am discovering, is a person who isn't afraid to lose someone, isn't afraid to embrace change and isn't afraid to live life, regardless of the hardships.

Now my new life begins and I can't wait to see where it leads me.

The Old and The Reckless

The old me still lingers, the one that can be reckless and carefree about a lot of things. Mostly, about myself and my feelings. I've become numb, and sometimes, I forget to cherish myself properly, so I let people take advantage and other times, I am just reckless and I put myself out there.

I've changed a lot, and for the most part, for the better. However, sometimes I think people only recognize the old me because it's more entertaining, more intense, while the other side of me, the one that wants to settle down, isn't noticed much.

I am a free spirit, and although I like stability, I find that my life is the most unstable right now- and just as the new me was beginning to take over completely, circumstances brought out the old me, the one that wouldn't cry over some guy, the one that was able to say "it didn't work, so fuck it, and move on".

Yet, the new me, which is in a constant fight with the old me, is telling me to hold on, that everything is going to be okay. So while the two conflicting sides of me, continue to fight with each other, time is passing me by.

The old me had the most fun, but it was the old me that played on my insecurities and tarnished the good in me. So for now, I will try to keep the old me at bay, but I don't think anyone will ever be able to figure out the old me, because that person is an enigma that even I can't completely understand.

Slowly Gathering Myself

I spent two days being bitter, being down, upset- confused and angry. Now I am slowly gathering myself and standing on my two feet again. They say that when your world seems to spiral out of your control, you just have to close your eyes, and hope you don't get too dizzy.

I want you to know that I care about you, and that isn't going to change, but the way you went about all this, makes me doubt a future together, however, as I gather myself, I am trying to remove all doubt. It took me a long time to get to that place where I trusted you, and we just have to work on that.

As I gather my self, I hope you are doing well, and I am sure this is just as hard for you as it is for me, and I catch myself checking your Facebook, because I miss you.

Jars Filled With False Pretenses

It doesn't taste like Grape Jelly, and the jar isn't a comfortable chill, filled with sweet ice tea. Life is no picnic at the park, no stroll around the block, and life is not laying on the roof, staring into the night sky admiring the stars.

This jar is filled with false pretenses, hardships, confusion, and so much more. He claimed he needed time, space yet I am sure he is with him, with the other man, someone who can never care about him the way I do.

He asked me if I would let him come back, when he was done getting space, but I've spent all day going from laughter to tears, ups and downs, trying to get him out of my head, but it keeps playing over and over in my head.

His hands wiping away the tears he caused, it doesn't make sense to me- how can someone claim to care about me, and be so reckless with my heart? It's like he dropped the jar, and he let the glass shatter.

Who does he think he is? How can he let me get so deep, only to let me slip out of his hands, and now I am suppose to just let him come back to me, and I don't know how to feel right now.

He collected my heart, place it in a jar, tearing it out of me in the process, and I am suppose to let time heal the aches, and expect me to fall in his arms again, but I don't think one can recover from this so easily.

Maybe he shouldn't come back for me, maybe he shouldn't come back at all...because who does he think he is?

Forefront

While I was trying to get in the forefront, trying to let my emotions show-- you were behind, thinking about ending what we've both worked hard to build.

I felt foolish, beyond foolish, I felt stupid because I didn't see it coming, because I was so busy trying to make effort, while he was distancing himself from me. How do you deal with someone, who needs to leave you "behind" so they can take time to deal with whatever it is they are dealing with?

I shared moments with this person that I've never shared with anyone else, and I cared more for him than I would like to admit, but last night, all the tears, anger and sadness made my feelings for him, the most evident.

He use to say that he was fearful that I would hurt him, that he was taking a risk, but what he failed to realize was that I was taking a risk, and I took it and I thought it was paying off, until last night. Suddenly, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and emotions unraveled.

I am a lot of things, I am far from perfect, but I've never cried over a guy, especially not in front of them- who does that? Lame right?

Here I was being positive, thinking about the future, for him, for I, for us- and while my mind was thinking positively for all that was in front of us, he was behind, thinking otherwise.

Only time will tell where he and I will end up- whether our history will simply fade in the background and become our past, or return to the forefront, and become our future.