Sunday, July 17, 2011

A Fall From Grace

“Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity.” --William Hazlitt

According to Hazlitt, grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity. Then I am sad to come to the realization that one of my dearest friends has fallen from grace.

For the last four years I have invested so much love, care and myself into a friendship that up to today, I valued more than anything else. But after writing about my newfound perspective, I would be remised if I didn’t listen to my mind, heart and spirit. This is why I find it so difficult, to admit to myself that my friend has fallen from grace, and that she needs to grow up.

As much as it hurts me to separate myself from her, as much as it pains me to see a friendship diminish, I know that I cannot keep someone around me who is going to be toxic. I find myself crying as I am writing this sentence, and my heart breaks because I know that a part of me just wants to pretend like words weren’t shared, that none of this is happening. Sadly, friendships end—but I refuse to call this the end, I just think she needs to lose me, in order to appreciate the friendship we had.

I however, could be wrong. Perhaps losing our friendship will do nothing to her; if she keeps up with her childish and selfish tendencies, I am afraid my absence will mean nothing. Yet, if I think like that, it will only hurt me more. The truth is, life happens and people grow apart.

Relationships, whether they be romantic or not take work, and it takes sincere effort. If you invest all of yourself but get nothing in return then you have no choice but to reconsider whether or not it is an investment you should make.

For tonight, my will is not to catch her before she hits the ground, but my hope is that she will be able to fall and rise again. For the last several months I’ve sensed that she’s been losing herself and while I’ve tried to poke and pry it out of her, sometimes no amount of concern or love can save someone. Sometimes a person just needs to fall, wipe him or herself off and stand on their own.

Perhaps it is immature of me to vent via my blog, but when I am at a lost for words and unable to reply—I find it therapeutic and helpful to write it out in a blog. While my dear friend may never read this, I hope she understands my reasons for distancing myself, that she may read this and understand my sadness, hurt and frustration.

Maybe all it takes is a fall to make sense of it all.

It will take effort and time in order to regain the grace you have lost my friend, but I wish you well as you continue on this journey.

Eat, Believe, Love

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


Here I thought I was missing something in my life, that there was this black hole draining all of the happiness from me. I was so preoccupied in trying to find someone that I lost myself and didn’t even realize it. I was the black hole, and I was destroying all of the positive aspects of my life by only focusing on the negative.

I retreated to bad habits; trying to find comfort in the arms of anyone, thinking that lust would turn into love, that my belief that there is good in everyone was false, and I would eat my sorrows away, only to later self-loathe over the weight gained.
But yesterday right before I started watching most of the Eat, Pray, Love film, I had an epiphany, and it stemmed from a passionate moment I shared with someone from my past. I’ll call that person, “John”- John came to see me after a year passed us by. John was someone that I liked a lot and was always in the back of my mind. Yet, I knew then and now that John and I would never end up together because our lives are on two different paths; that, plus he has a boyfriend.

Although I knew that, seeing John again caused me to have butterflies, as I examined how much his face matured, of how his body changed shape, and the roughness of his hands. We were catching up, and the connection between us as we played around and goofed off was evident. When I leaned in for the kiss, it was like we were no longer fighting against gravity and finally allowing nature to have its way.

It should have felt wrong, but it felt so right. While I had hooked up with others before, none compared to the moment I shared with John. The way his lips made me tingle as he kissed my neck, the security I felt as he held me, and a level of intimacy I hadn’t felt since my break-up.

All the tension and stress I had been holding onto within my physical body suddenly lifted. There was this sense of calmness, and then it struck me! I realized how much I have to offer, and that there will come a time when someone will hold me the way John did, and that it is possible to love yourself, find you and wait for that someone else to be that “mirror”- Liz spoke about in the above quote.

As I re-heated some leftover pasta I cooked the day before, I realized “Eat, Pray, Love” was playing and I began to watch it. Ironically she was eating in Italy, as I was eating pasta. I went on the journey the film takes you on, which I was told, differs from the impact that book has. But, this isn’t a blog about Eat, Pray, Love- although it was inspired by it.

This is about enjoying life, eating the food you enjoy and loving your body despite its imperfections. It is about believing in yourself, and whatever your spiritual guide may be. It is about not giving up on love, and learning to love yourself regardless of how lost life has made you feel.

After John left, and I began to watch the film I had a realization that has kept me in a good mood for the last thirty-six hours. Since the end of May, the insecurities that were driving me mad, and the sadness I felt was suddenly lifted. I ate the pasta (which by the way, tasted even better the second day), I reconnected with my core beliefs, and I made the choice that I was no longer going to have random hook ups with guys, just to feel lust. I am going to wait until I can feel the love, until my soul mate makes his stop on my path, and reveals more about me.

The beauty of life lies in our ability to alter how we perceive it and the actions we take in order to live it. So rather focusing on what I want but don’t have, I will enjoy all that I do have and relish in the idea that one day, I will find someone who will knock me off my balance, while restoring the balance so that two individuals (the two of us) can share our lives together.

I am going to focus on me in the meantime, and reconnect with the parts of myself I have lost in the last year. While growing up is a constant process of loss and gain, I know I have to try to retain myself again. I don’t want to live life angrily. I don’t want to be bitter. Instead, I want to eat, believe and love every day of my life, until my very last breath.

Monday, July 11, 2011

17 & marked

Gail Devers once said

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe."
Every dream begins with its dreamer, and what is produced out of that dream, is the result of the dreamer’s ability to take action. So here’s my story, I was 17 and marked by an idea that seemed to come out of nowhere, far fetched and unexpected.

In March of 2009, I was working the first show I ever managed for Erin Pride (the lovely mentor of mine), for the first Mix It Up. We were at La Bella Epoque, a beautiful raw space where the show was being held. Erin had originally had someone else scheduled to stage-manage the show, but when he couldn’t do it last minute, she asked me to do it. But here’s the thing, I never stage-managed a show before, so I was scarred of messing up and ruining the whole production. Yet, in classic EP style, she made me do it, and taught me how.

It was only in August that I had my very first dance performance, and still had very little formal training under my belt. Yet, as I was mingling among dancers, choreographers, and art lovers I suddenly felt inspired. I was talking to my friend Jennifer (who would later become one of my best friends) and it was through my dialogue with her that I decided I wanted to start a dance company for disabled and non-disabled dancers.

At that point, I had very little dance experience and absolutely no clue what managing a dance company entailed, but I didn’t care. I had this idea, and I was determined to move forward with it. So I did just that. After speaking to EP, and gathering a small group of people to brainstorm with (Elly, Crystal, Jennifer and the owners of La Bella Epoque), I was ready to give birth to Hand-Cap Dance.

It was a slow start, a few meetings about possible ideas, mission, purpose, and such. Within the first couple of months, the company had 4 dancers including myself, Jennifer, Crystal and Michelle. We booked our first company performance at my sister’s job, and it was our first paid gig, “50” bucks for a new company was a lot.
Soon after I was ready to hold auditions for the company, and had a handful of people show up. This was great since we weren’t offering to pay anyone. They wanted to grow with the company; sadly I couldn't pay them, but what an experience it would be. Once we had some dancers, I was able to get some talented guest choreographers from the Tri-State to set work on the company.

This isn’t as detailed as I would like, for the interest of time but keep reading…
I was young and still had a lot to learn. Luckily, I had a handful of people who had my best interest at heart and they helped me grow. After losing the space at La Bella, I was connected with Liz Grossman, a woman who would lend her space to become the official rehearsal studio for HCD. This grant was a true blessing and allowed the dream to keep reaching new levels.

A few bumps along the way, lost some dancers, and ran into some resistance regarding the name, but I was determined to have the company’s first show, and so a year and two months after the idea came to mind, we had our first informal show, “Breaking Barriers”.

Thinking back, the show wasn’t the greatest, or as great as I would have liked, but I can tell you now—it meant the world to me. To see people there in the audience, and all of those who help make Breaking Barriers a success, I truly appreciate it. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well same holds true for a dream. While a dreamer is all it takes to form the dream, it takes a team to make the team a reality.

After the show, we were underfunds and owed the space money for hosting the event of course I got panicked. I was a young artist with zero funds; making ends meat with what we had. Luckily, my best friend Crystal’s father, Frank donated the missing funds and supported my cause in such a fabulous way.

This is where the team for the dream comes into play.

So what was I left with after the show? I put the company on hiatus and I took several months to reflect on myself, the dream that began to take shape and my future at William Paterson University.

What I forgot to mention earlier in this blog, is that I was sacrificing a lot, rehearsing 7 days a week for my high school dance department and company rehearsal. The stress on my body was intense, and the toll it began to take on my personal life was no easy hardship. I would go into the studio early afternoon, and wouldn’t leave until well after sundown.
I thought about giving up, when things got especially difficult. I began to doubt my dream and myself. Then I was reminded why dance is so important to me. Once my chapter at WPU began, I started to re-visit my company’s mission and purpose.

What was once called Hand-Cap Dance became marked dance project. I made it an SGA Chartered club, and made MDP Company in residency at my university. Once that process was completed, the company began to grow and the dreamer that felt weary was revived and re-focused.

Since March of 2009, the company has doubled in size, and includes to wheelchair dancers and we’ve performed all over New Jersey and three consecutive years in Philadelphia.

We are currently working on our premiere full-length company show called, “Spectrum” a benefit dance show, which will raise money for an Autism organization entitled MyGoal. It will feature guest performances by some of the best companies and dancers in the Tri-State area. For more information, visit www.markeddanceproject.com for all the details on the show in September and the company.

I was 17 and marked by a dream, an idea many doubted but I stayed true to my heart’s desire and myself. I chased after the dream, with the help of some amazing people. Hopefully, my story will inspire others to follow suite in their dreams, and know that anything is possible. I know, because I went from the crippled kid who always fell, to who I am today- a dancer.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

WHen Good Isn't Enough

So many times we try to make the people who raised us proud of the accomplishments and good things we’ve done. But sometimes, good isn’t enough for some people. No matter how good you are as a person, student, or a worker, they will be quick to point out the negatives in you.

I had to learn how to focus on the good, and not let others make me dwell on the bad. I, like everyone else, continue to be a work in progress, growing with every lesson. That’s the beauty about life and the human species; we grow in time.

Take away the pressure that comes with trying to make others proud, be able to make yourself proud first. Do what you love, be who you are, and when good isn’t enough, continue to give it your all. Only then will you be able to accomplish great feats!