Good Grief

In a few weeks, it will be four years since my half brother Kamal "Pupi" Razick passed away. His death impacted my life in a way that words could not describe.

When others say that grief has turned their life upside down, I believe them-- for an entire year, I was an emotional wreck, and I had so much rage built up inside of me. I wanted to hurt everyone as much as I was hurting and I was so angry at my brother for leaving.

However, I found a book one day in Barnes and Noble and I think it saved me. The book was called Good Grief and was written by Lolly Winston. That was the her first novel, which hit #1 on The New York Times Bestseller's List. I could give you a quick overview of the book, but I am not going to- instead, I am going to encourage you to READ IT!

The book had to do with a loss of a love one, and the process the person goes through- the grieving process. When I picked up the book, something just told me to buy it and read it. I did, and I am glad I did. It was emotional, and it was lifesaving. I had never dealt with a loss of a love one before, and this book explained to me the process of grief, and made what I was feeling- okay, normal, and understandable. Suddenly, I didn't feel alone, I felt like I belonged in the same group as the character in the story- a person trying to figure out why death occurs and what one can do to deal with the loss of someone you cared for.

The first two years after my brother's death, I stopped reading (with the exception of Good Grief) and I stopped writing (with the exception of what I had to write for school). Everything that was good in my life, I stopped doing. I simply stopped caring and my grades reflected that.

Grief had torn me apart, and if that wasn't enough- I decided it was time to come clean about who I was as a person. Life happened to me, and I had enough of it, I said "good grief" and threw my hands in the air. Of course, suicide came to mind, so much pain and misery- how could it not? But there was something to be said about the grieving process, and although it never truly ends, once you've begun the process you come to a point where it becomes okay to live again, okay to laugh, to smile, and to believe that there is still a reason to be alive.

Although a few years have gone by, there's still those moments of anger, those moments where I just start to cry out of nowhere, where I get flashbacks to the day I got the phone call. There will never be a day, where grief isn't a part of my life, but each day that passes, it makes it easier to deal with, to cope.

Life is a cycle, and we're all living in it and someday, I will reach the end of my cycle and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through- I want them to embrace grief much sooner than I did, I want them to remember all the good in me, and the bad that made me who I am. I want them to be proud of me, and allow my life to continue on, through theirs.

For anyone who knows me, who loves me, who may read this: One day, I will go, and when I do, I want you to keep my life alive through yours, of course you will cry, be hurt, get upset, but never stop living.

(DISCLAIMER: This is no indication of suicide, or of me dying prematurely, this is just a blog referring to grief, my experience and my hope for those who may be affected the day I do pass away, which I hope is no time soon-- too much stuff left to do on my "To Do" list.)