Opening Up

I have to open up, and be completely honest with myself. When I invited him over, I had nothing but great intentions- then it all hit me, that night last week, how I felt, the anger, the pain and the confusion.

It all rushed back to me at once, and suddenly, I didn't want to open up as much as I wanted him to feel what I felt.

Sadly, my intent changed midway, and I turned into the monster I've always tried to keep at bay, underneath my surface. Suddenly, emotions and thoughts came bursting through my mind, forcing me to open up a side of me I didn't want him to see.

I want you to take your space, take your time-- and when we're ready, it will be right. If it's meant to be, I am certain it will flourish. I am opening up again, slowly.

I wasn't thinking about revenge, wasn't even thinking malicious thoughts until half way through our conversation. The light switch went on and the beast within me came out. Like the Incredible Hulk, I busted through the walls I created to prevent the beast from escaping, clawing my way through the guards. I was on a war path, of bittersweet pleasure, mixed with pain. Now the after taste lingers, and I am numb.

Losing control is not my style, but something tonight happened, and while I feel guilt, there is also a big sigh of relief, because tonight allowed me to truly open up and let it all out.

Now the process of recovery can occur. Guess there truly is a lesson to be learned when you open up.