My Big White Room

In my big white room, I am all alone and I begin to go insane as I enter a place of reflection. As the thoughts cross my mind and images appear out of thin air, I wonder if I have gone mad.

For the past week or so, only one thing has crossed my mind- Valentine's Day and how down it makes me feel. I'm going to say this with no intention of sounding cocky, but dammit I AM ATTRACTIVE. Better than that, is my intelligence. Yet, I tend to live out the 14th of every February that passes and be forced into thinking why I am the lonesome guy that I am.

Of course, this led me into thinking that I was the problem and self-loathe developed. The more I began to hate myself, my body, and everything that I can't alter- the more my big white room developed, and there wasn't enough padding on the walls when I started running into them.

Tonight, I stare around my room, and the walls stare back at me and it feels as if I am being judged. As if they are looking at me, and thinking of all the errors I've made so far in life, and the guilt falls on top of me.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I over think everything in my life, and for a while, I thought making myself super busy would prevent me from having to think about my life. The fact that guys don't want me, that my immediate family and I aren't as close as we'd all like to believe we were, and that although we live in 2011--my sexual preference still makes me a target among my community.

My big white room seems to be closing in on me, and I try to reach out and grab hold of some kind of foundation to plant my feet on, but at this point the room is spinning out of control and I am simply lost in it. As the walls crack, I become buried within the debris of this big white room that has developed within my mind.