Eat, Believe, Love

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)


Here I thought I was missing something in my life, that there was this black hole draining all of the happiness from me. I was so preoccupied in trying to find someone that I lost myself and didn’t even realize it. I was the black hole, and I was destroying all of the positive aspects of my life by only focusing on the negative.

I retreated to bad habits; trying to find comfort in the arms of anyone, thinking that lust would turn into love, that my belief that there is good in everyone was false, and I would eat my sorrows away, only to later self-loathe over the weight gained.
But yesterday right before I started watching most of the Eat, Pray, Love film, I had an epiphany, and it stemmed from a passionate moment I shared with someone from my past. I’ll call that person, “John”- John came to see me after a year passed us by. John was someone that I liked a lot and was always in the back of my mind. Yet, I knew then and now that John and I would never end up together because our lives are on two different paths; that, plus he has a boyfriend.

Although I knew that, seeing John again caused me to have butterflies, as I examined how much his face matured, of how his body changed shape, and the roughness of his hands. We were catching up, and the connection between us as we played around and goofed off was evident. When I leaned in for the kiss, it was like we were no longer fighting against gravity and finally allowing nature to have its way.

It should have felt wrong, but it felt so right. While I had hooked up with others before, none compared to the moment I shared with John. The way his lips made me tingle as he kissed my neck, the security I felt as he held me, and a level of intimacy I hadn’t felt since my break-up.

All the tension and stress I had been holding onto within my physical body suddenly lifted. There was this sense of calmness, and then it struck me! I realized how much I have to offer, and that there will come a time when someone will hold me the way John did, and that it is possible to love yourself, find you and wait for that someone else to be that “mirror”- Liz spoke about in the above quote.

As I re-heated some leftover pasta I cooked the day before, I realized “Eat, Pray, Love” was playing and I began to watch it. Ironically she was eating in Italy, as I was eating pasta. I went on the journey the film takes you on, which I was told, differs from the impact that book has. But, this isn’t a blog about Eat, Pray, Love- although it was inspired by it.

This is about enjoying life, eating the food you enjoy and loving your body despite its imperfections. It is about believing in yourself, and whatever your spiritual guide may be. It is about not giving up on love, and learning to love yourself regardless of how lost life has made you feel.

After John left, and I began to watch the film I had a realization that has kept me in a good mood for the last thirty-six hours. Since the end of May, the insecurities that were driving me mad, and the sadness I felt was suddenly lifted. I ate the pasta (which by the way, tasted even better the second day), I reconnected with my core beliefs, and I made the choice that I was no longer going to have random hook ups with guys, just to feel lust. I am going to wait until I can feel the love, until my soul mate makes his stop on my path, and reveals more about me.

The beauty of life lies in our ability to alter how we perceive it and the actions we take in order to live it. So rather focusing on what I want but don’t have, I will enjoy all that I do have and relish in the idea that one day, I will find someone who will knock me off my balance, while restoring the balance so that two individuals (the two of us) can share our lives together.

I am going to focus on me in the meantime, and reconnect with the parts of myself I have lost in the last year. While growing up is a constant process of loss and gain, I know I have to try to retain myself again. I don’t want to live life angrily. I don’t want to be bitter. Instead, I want to eat, believe and love every day of my life, until my very last breath.