Reflective State Of Mind

When life begins to make me feel pressed against the wall, and everything seems to fall from my grasp--I try to think positive thoughts but sometimes, I can't enter that reflective state of mind.

Someone described me as a person that is always "on the fence" and ready to defend himself, and another person said my filter is missing. Yes, that is all true! Sometimes, I should filter myself before I speak and I can't help but be on the fence.

What am I suppose to do, when being who I am has gotten me to where I am today? They call my strong personality and my inability to filter my thoughts before speaking as possible hindrances but how much of me do I change? At what cost do I begin to change who I am, so that others can think differently of me?

For years, I tried to be what people wanted from me. I never asked to become this role model, the inspiration for some one's aspirations. I didn't ask to be put on this pedestal and yet, there are people who place me at a level of accountability that I do not think is fair. Then there are those who critic me, and I think people sometimes forget that everyone has flaws.

I spent a long time trying to please everyone and all that gave me were wet pillow sheets from the tears caused by trying to be anyone but me. So maybe I am on the fence, because I came to realize that I couldn't sit back and play the role they tried to give me. I couldn't be her ideal son, or the bastard child that sat in silence as my father laid his hands on a woman.

I didn't want to be that disabled individual limited and sheltered because of fear of injury. I didn't want people to think I was less of a man because I ended up discovering that my sexuality was not what society wanted from me.

Growing up in the inner-city, drugs, violence and poverty was a constant reminder that I did not want to get stuck within my City lines. A reminder that I had to push myself, physically and mentally to go beyond the scope of the expected, and prove to all of those who doubted me that I could.

I stomped on those obstacles to get where I am today, but NOT once did I step on someone to arrive at my destination, nor will I ever step over another to enhance myself.

People can be unsatisfied with me, they can judge me because my words carry out a strong, opinionated tone. Sometimes I am wrong, and when I am, my heart and conscious tells me that I need to rethink and react differently. I wonder at times, what my life would have been if I didn't use the motivation given to me by my upbringing as a way to get me out of my circumstance.

What upsets me though, is not so much the individual(s) opinion(s), it's the fact that they don't take the time to look at my heart. I may be loud, proud, stubborn, passionate, intense, and at times intimidating but my heart's intent is always in the right place. I rather help someone I don't know, do what I can to help someone else- then to just take my time off to relax. I am not one that says "No" to someone in need, and while I don't have much, my little bit would not stop me from giving it to another who needed it more.

Yet, so many people will disregard the positive and dwell on the negatives- it hurts, it saddens my heart that my love and affection for others is not always seen the way I would hope it would.

‎Then I remind myself that I can't please everyone, and that some people don't deserve the amount of time and energy I spend on them, as I try to explain to them that I am not this cold hearted person.

At some point though, even a good heart hardens.