Rejection, Deflection, and A Moment of Reflection  -- 7/4/12

            Rejection of who you once were in order to accept the person you have become is the first step in embracing every aspect of who you are today. It is expected to deflect, to be in denial of the fact that who you once were is no longer in existence. So often we focus our energy in preserving ourselves rather than using that energy to embrace change and our own evolution. Now is the right time to reflect on everything—a moment of reflection is needed, especially during times of discomfort.

            In the past week I saw my life, as I once knew it, crumble right before my eyes. I had to fall on my face to realize how fortunate I am to live the life I live, to have the people I have in it, and for all the lessons.  During this moment, I also realized that I was being unfair to myself—putting myself in a situation where I would be self-destructive because for so long I rejected the truth that I can not please everyone, that I will not be able to change the perceptions people have of me, and while I was deflecting the truth, I lost sight of who I really was.

     

       Until a week ago, I had forgotten what it felt like to be human—to feel vulnerable, weak, imperfect, and flawed. Somewhere along the way, I developed this coping mechanism that would allow me to maintain my persona [the part of me everyone always saw—the smiling, the laughter, the joyous side] while turning the other side of me into a robot—routines, schedules, and expectations were maintained because I had shut down every aspect of myself that would prevent me from being able to do so.

            

         I wanted to so desperately reject the fact that I can’t always fit in, that I will always be an outsider in some areas of my life, and while this past week may have been a wake up call, it was also a reminder of who I really am. While I was trying to “fit the mold, and the more I tried, the less it was working”, I had to remember and hold onto the person I am—the evolved version of myself. No longer could I deflect the reality of the situation I was in, I was a ticking bomb waiting to explode and once I did—it caused a lot of damage, not only to my “image”, my spirit, but also to those who have believed in me from the start of my journey.

         

      As I reflect on this past week, I remind myself just how human I am, how imperfect I will always be, the reality that people would rather hate me, misunderstand me, then to take the time to get to know me—that isn’t my problem to hoard anymore. I can never forget who I am and why I am the person I am today, I can never forget that I will, without doubt, disappoint those I care for the most.

   

      All I can do is hope that time will heal the hurt, that every step I take forward will be one step further from that dark space that invaded me for a while. Today marks America’s independence, but today also marks the first day in the past week that I feel like myself again—I am accepting who I am today and rejecting who I was then because I have to continue to grow, learn, and evolve to new heights.

      

    Remember there is nothing wrong with who you are or who you will become in time…smile knowing that in life, with every fall, there’s a rise, continue to reach for higher ground.  To those who have been hurt or impacted some way by my recent actions—know that my heart weights heavy, my regret is profound, and as much as I said sorry to those people in the past week, the truth is—I can’t say sorry for messing up, for being human, and having to endure this growing pain—but I will say sorry that my actions and inactions caused all of this negative energy and hurt.

     That was never my intention.

-mark