He and I had shared a night that I've never shared with anyone else. He watched me as I snored, he gently rubbed my thigh, and he woke me up in the middle of the night.
His bed felt like a beanbag, and my body just melted in it. I wore his t-shirt and I felt warm within his embrace.
It was a dream, having someone holding me with so much affection, so much passion, so much emotion. When I feel lonely, or down, I put on his t-shirt, and recall that night. It was a night I can never forget. I also wear his t-shirt to make a fashion statement, that vintage kind of look- oversized shirt, with skinny jeans and a nice hat= one good looking guy.
A part of me thought that I should throw away his t-shirt, but then I remembered, just because something ended, doesn't mean you can't remember what it was like when it was still going. Sometimes it's just as important to remember the good memories, because that reminds you that all the pain and tears were worth something.
And if nothing else, at least I got a cute shirt out of it. Right?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Push
How many times have you tried to walk through a door, or tried to pull it when the door states "PUSH"? Clearly, there is a moment of embarrassment and then you quickly push the door open.
Could you imagine the differenence there would be in our personal lives if, like with the door, we just push through and move on even when we are forced to deal with a situation. Moving on, pushing forward, and leaving the past in the past is a difficult task. Our memories won't let us forget, and our hearts can't mend the wound fast enough, and the tracks where our tears fell, leaves a dry stain- a visible reminder.
We may hoarder on to these feelings for days, weeks, months, and for some, years before we have that moment when our lungs contract, our chest tightens, and our body stiffens, followed by a sigh.
Recently, after a year and a half of an on and off again relationship with someone, he and I both realized it was ending, but I didn't know it would all go down the way it did. For the sake of his privacy, I won't get into details but when my comfort zone was crumbling before my eyes, I couldn't believe it. A part of me was in denial, thinking that he and I would make it work like every other time in our lives. However, this time- it felt different! I began to get angry, sad, and tears developed and for the first time in the past year and a half, I was going to have to push forward, knowing that there wouldn't be a moment of returning to his arms. This time, we were done, and for good this time.
And then, after a few days of feeling down, teary eye, and over analyzing every detail, there came a point when I felt a sense of relief, the pressure eased and suddenly I realized- I began the process of moving on. It is all new to me, moving on, the entire process- when you develop feelings for someone else, and your lives begin to interlock, it's hard to imagine how different it will be without them in it.
Yet, despite the difficulties, I am learning that I have to continue to push myself, and not allow myself to give up and get stuck in the situation. The silver lining of one ending, is that there is a new beginning, waiting to be started, you just have to push far enough to get there.
Could you imagine the differenence there would be in our personal lives if, like with the door, we just push through and move on even when we are forced to deal with a situation. Moving on, pushing forward, and leaving the past in the past is a difficult task. Our memories won't let us forget, and our hearts can't mend the wound fast enough, and the tracks where our tears fell, leaves a dry stain- a visible reminder.
We may hoarder on to these feelings for days, weeks, months, and for some, years before we have that moment when our lungs contract, our chest tightens, and our body stiffens, followed by a sigh.
Recently, after a year and a half of an on and off again relationship with someone, he and I both realized it was ending, but I didn't know it would all go down the way it did. For the sake of his privacy, I won't get into details but when my comfort zone was crumbling before my eyes, I couldn't believe it. A part of me was in denial, thinking that he and I would make it work like every other time in our lives. However, this time- it felt different! I began to get angry, sad, and tears developed and for the first time in the past year and a half, I was going to have to push forward, knowing that there wouldn't be a moment of returning to his arms. This time, we were done, and for good this time.
And then, after a few days of feeling down, teary eye, and over analyzing every detail, there came a point when I felt a sense of relief, the pressure eased and suddenly I realized- I began the process of moving on. It is all new to me, moving on, the entire process- when you develop feelings for someone else, and your lives begin to interlock, it's hard to imagine how different it will be without them in it.
Yet, despite the difficulties, I am learning that I have to continue to push myself, and not allow myself to give up and get stuck in the situation. The silver lining of one ending, is that there is a new beginning, waiting to be started, you just have to push far enough to get there.
Aurin Is Reading, Are You?
I want to start off that I know in the past, I have abandoned my blog, and in return, now realizing, whoever else is out there who actually enjoyed reading my thoughts, my feelings and so forth.
A few minutes ago I received a heart felt message from a young lady I met through a mutual friend via Facebook. She had read "The Secret Society" and I am assuming a few other of my blogs.
"Honey you don't have to thank me. I honestly really appreciate the fact that you have a blog and how honest you are in it. What is interesting about having a blog is that you never really know who will end up reading it and how they will react you know? And for the most part, I would think that most people would either disagree completely, disregard, or criticize the thoughts i have written. However, your blog is seriously the first one i have read where I actually feel like someone is addressing some of the feelings I have inside. I mean obviously this is a long ass wall post lol but i just want to say keep feeling, keep thinking, keep writing because you never know who you are speaking for/to in your blog."-Aurin
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my words mean more than I thought they did. I never thought about who might be reading this, who might feel like they could relate, until Aurin wrote me that heartfelt message and suddenly, I discovered I had a greater responsibilities-- to continue to voice the concerns, worries, frustrations and thoughts of others who may not be able to, or know how to.
My Facebook profile gives me a wide network of people in which my words can touch.
I know Aurin is going to read this, so I wanted to give her a SPECIAL thanks for helping me come to this realization.
Please continue to check You've Been Marked...because starting the 17th of December, there will be a blog written every day until January 20th, when school resumes again, and then the Blog commitment will have to change due to my schedule.
I guess I will commit to writing ONE BLOG a week from that point on.
Thank you to all those who read this, to all of those who reach out to me via Facebook, and to anyone else who may want to reach out to me-- feel free to email me at marktravisrivera@gmail.com and let me know what you think, or feel free to ask me questions.
Best wishes,
Mark
A few minutes ago I received a heart felt message from a young lady I met through a mutual friend via Facebook. She had read "The Secret Society" and I am assuming a few other of my blogs.
"Honey you don't have to thank me. I honestly really appreciate the fact that you have a blog and how honest you are in it. What is interesting about having a blog is that you never really know who will end up reading it and how they will react you know? And for the most part, I would think that most people would either disagree completely, disregard, or criticize the thoughts i have written. However, your blog is seriously the first one i have read where I actually feel like someone is addressing some of the feelings I have inside. I mean obviously this is a long ass wall post lol but i just want to say keep feeling, keep thinking, keep writing because you never know who you are speaking for/to in your blog."-Aurin
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, my words mean more than I thought they did. I never thought about who might be reading this, who might feel like they could relate, until Aurin wrote me that heartfelt message and suddenly, I discovered I had a greater responsibilities-- to continue to voice the concerns, worries, frustrations and thoughts of others who may not be able to, or know how to.
My Facebook profile gives me a wide network of people in which my words can touch.
I know Aurin is going to read this, so I wanted to give her a SPECIAL thanks for helping me come to this realization.
Please continue to check You've Been Marked...because starting the 17th of December, there will be a blog written every day until January 20th, when school resumes again, and then the Blog commitment will have to change due to my schedule.
I guess I will commit to writing ONE BLOG a week from that point on.
Thank you to all those who read this, to all of those who reach out to me via Facebook, and to anyone else who may want to reach out to me-- feel free to email me at marktravisrivera@gmail.com and let me know what you think, or feel free to ask me questions.
Best wishes,
Mark
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Secret Society
For decades, the idea of secrecy has plagued the Gay community at large. Although the idea of secrecy is not inclusive to just minorities who are gay, I have found it to be the most prominent for gay minorities, in particular, Blacks and Latinos.
Back in the 50's and 60's- the Gay community began to form underground communities in bars and other nightclubs, and while they were doing it way before then, it wasn't until the Stonewall Riot that the "Above Ground Underground" became the center of the issues for gays, and the need for liberation arose. After the riot, and the days that followed it, many felt the urge to be open, and those who would have been hiding behind closed doors, suddenly realized they needed to join the movement. [please google Stonewall Riot of 1969 for background information]
Yet, 41 years later and many gay Americans are still living in "The Secret Society"--the idea that they must stay underground and not speak openly about who they are. Now while I believe everyone has their right to privacy and may decide not to share it with the entire world, I think there is a serious issue when it becomes the "down low" situation.
According to About.com, the "down low" refers to men who discreetly have sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women are said to be on the "down low" (or "DL" for short). Yet, I believe that the "DL" can also refer to men who may be single, and may be seeking relationships with women, while still seeking sexual fulfillment from other men. While this issue has been covered by mass media and social media as an issue affecting African-Americans, it is also affecting other minorities within the gay community.
I believe that cultural influences and expectations give way for many to be on the down low, or in hiding, only adding to the pressure of the secret society. While many gay Americans are fighting for equality and justice, we are forgetting about one of the biggest issue that affects our community--secrecy. We have a responsibility to ourselves, to others like us, and to heterosexuals to educate and promote acceptance, especially among the African-Americans and Hispanic groups.
Personally, one major problem I have with men who are on the "down low" or in hiding, is that they allow people like me, minorities, who were brave enough to be open, to take all of the heat. Could you imagine the impact that a man, who is part of one of the major Black Fraternities in the country, could have if he was open about his interest in men? [referring to an individual I came across last night]. Or just the simple fact that more and more Black and Latino men are willing to stand up and speak out, because there is strength in numbers. No longer will I or anyone like me, have to be the sole target, and who would target a big group without meeting resistance?
In addition, I think of the women, those who have no idea what is going on behind closed doors, in the Internet browser history, and secret messages. Part of me feels bad for them, and another part of me feels angry because these men are playing with people's emotions- which will always end badly.
All of this is occurring because we've built a secret society, the idea that we can not be open and honest is a shadow, hovering over everyone. How can any real equality come, when far too many of us, rather pass [refers to a man who many would consider to be straight, and never think that they were gay] then be honest, whether out of fear or uncertainty?
My biggest hope is that this society that many of us have contribute to, crumbles and that from the debris--rises a new generation of freed people, of people that can be honest with themselves and others around them without fear of repression, isolation or harm.
Back in the 50's and 60's- the Gay community began to form underground communities in bars and other nightclubs, and while they were doing it way before then, it wasn't until the Stonewall Riot that the "Above Ground Underground" became the center of the issues for gays, and the need for liberation arose. After the riot, and the days that followed it, many felt the urge to be open, and those who would have been hiding behind closed doors, suddenly realized they needed to join the movement. [please google Stonewall Riot of 1969 for background information]
Yet, 41 years later and many gay Americans are still living in "The Secret Society"--the idea that they must stay underground and not speak openly about who they are. Now while I believe everyone has their right to privacy and may decide not to share it with the entire world, I think there is a serious issue when it becomes the "down low" situation.
According to About.com, the "down low" refers to men who discreetly have sex with other men while in sexual relationships with women are said to be on the "down low" (or "DL" for short). Yet, I believe that the "DL" can also refer to men who may be single, and may be seeking relationships with women, while still seeking sexual fulfillment from other men. While this issue has been covered by mass media and social media as an issue affecting African-Americans, it is also affecting other minorities within the gay community.
I believe that cultural influences and expectations give way for many to be on the down low, or in hiding, only adding to the pressure of the secret society. While many gay Americans are fighting for equality and justice, we are forgetting about one of the biggest issue that affects our community--secrecy. We have a responsibility to ourselves, to others like us, and to heterosexuals to educate and promote acceptance, especially among the African-Americans and Hispanic groups.
Personally, one major problem I have with men who are on the "down low" or in hiding, is that they allow people like me, minorities, who were brave enough to be open, to take all of the heat. Could you imagine the impact that a man, who is part of one of the major Black Fraternities in the country, could have if he was open about his interest in men? [referring to an individual I came across last night]. Or just the simple fact that more and more Black and Latino men are willing to stand up and speak out, because there is strength in numbers. No longer will I or anyone like me, have to be the sole target, and who would target a big group without meeting resistance?
In addition, I think of the women, those who have no idea what is going on behind closed doors, in the Internet browser history, and secret messages. Part of me feels bad for them, and another part of me feels angry because these men are playing with people's emotions- which will always end badly.
All of this is occurring because we've built a secret society, the idea that we can not be open and honest is a shadow, hovering over everyone. How can any real equality come, when far too many of us, rather pass [refers to a man who many would consider to be straight, and never think that they were gay] then be honest, whether out of fear or uncertainty?
My biggest hope is that this society that many of us have contribute to, crumbles and that from the debris--rises a new generation of freed people, of people that can be honest with themselves and others around them without fear of repression, isolation or harm.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Two Months...
Can't believe it's been two months since I've last blogged.
This is going to be a brief update:
COLLEGE has been keeping me busy, sadly, but joyfully so.
My dance company is officially a chartered SGA club at William Paterson Uni, marked dance project (a subset of Hand-Cap Dance).
Double majoring in college: Communications/Political Science.
Loving my life right now, and college has opened my eyes so much and I've met some amazing people.
As finals approach, I am looking forward to Winter Break and to be able to blog, my goal is to post a blog every day from December 17th-January 20th. [Winter Break period].
Since around, and remember, you've been marked!
This is going to be a brief update:
COLLEGE has been keeping me busy, sadly, but joyfully so.
My dance company is officially a chartered SGA club at William Paterson Uni, marked dance project (a subset of Hand-Cap Dance).
Double majoring in college: Communications/Political Science.
Loving my life right now, and college has opened my eyes so much and I've met some amazing people.
As finals approach, I am looking forward to Winter Break and to be able to blog, my goal is to post a blog every day from December 17th-January 20th. [Winter Break period].
Since around, and remember, you've been marked!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
To Be Continued...
Well I've gotten through the first month of my Fall Semester and what an intense first month it has been.
I think it's amazing how college can either break you or make you, how it makes you realize more about yourself in a short time, then ever before--or so this has been my personal experience.
In a month, I've had to come to grips with some harsh reality such as, encountering people who will dislike you simply because of who you are, others who will use you for their own reasons, and the fact that you can have hundreds of friends and still feel lonely at night time.
To be honest, I am adjusting and the adjustment for me has been quite difficult. Yes, I am still that social butterfly, and that will never change--but I also feel alone at the same time. It's odd because when I walk around, people know me, and they speak to me and I am really active on campus. However, I can't seem to shake the isolation and that is the worse part I guess of being in college and not back at my high school.
I've become so accustomed to the sheltered environment that I spent the last four years at...and now I am in the real world, dealing with real issues--and love is still on the backburner.
To be continued...
I think it's amazing how college can either break you or make you, how it makes you realize more about yourself in a short time, then ever before--or so this has been my personal experience.
In a month, I've had to come to grips with some harsh reality such as, encountering people who will dislike you simply because of who you are, others who will use you for their own reasons, and the fact that you can have hundreds of friends and still feel lonely at night time.
To be honest, I am adjusting and the adjustment for me has been quite difficult. Yes, I am still that social butterfly, and that will never change--but I also feel alone at the same time. It's odd because when I walk around, people know me, and they speak to me and I am really active on campus. However, I can't seem to shake the isolation and that is the worse part I guess of being in college and not back at my high school.
I've become so accustomed to the sheltered environment that I spent the last four years at...and now I am in the real world, dealing with real issues--and love is still on the backburner.
To be continued...
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Mark of Higher Education
I have not written a blog since my Summer vacation. College has a way of making you busy, and somehow, maintaining your personal blogsite gets pushed down the importance pole.
Since doing the Educational Opportunity Fund over the summer for 6 weeks, and being in the third week of my Fall Semester, I am starting to realize the mark that higher education leaves on you. Although challenging, I feel that college has made me a smarter individual, and even I am surprised at how well I seem to be doing in my classes. (Italian is quite a challenge, something about learning a language, just doesn't click with me). Nonetheless, I am excited for all that is waiting for me, and I absolutely love my student job in the Political Science department as the Student Assistant.
While pursuing my Communications degree, I've decided I will minor in Political Science. My goal is to graduate with my undergraduate degree with a Grade Point Average that is between the range of 3.8-4.0. I need a high GPA if I plan on obtaining my Masters in Communications from Columbia University(CU has one of the best Journalism programs in the Country). I may not have done my very best in high school, but I will be sure to do my very best in college.
I want higher education to mark my future destination--I want to explore the world and enlighten others in the process.
Since doing the Educational Opportunity Fund over the summer for 6 weeks, and being in the third week of my Fall Semester, I am starting to realize the mark that higher education leaves on you. Although challenging, I feel that college has made me a smarter individual, and even I am surprised at how well I seem to be doing in my classes. (Italian is quite a challenge, something about learning a language, just doesn't click with me). Nonetheless, I am excited for all that is waiting for me, and I absolutely love my student job in the Political Science department as the Student Assistant.
While pursuing my Communications degree, I've decided I will minor in Political Science. My goal is to graduate with my undergraduate degree with a Grade Point Average that is between the range of 3.8-4.0. I need a high GPA if I plan on obtaining my Masters in Communications from Columbia University(CU has one of the best Journalism programs in the Country). I may not have done my very best in high school, but I will be sure to do my very best in college.
I want higher education to mark my future destination--I want to explore the world and enlighten others in the process.
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