In The Midst of Darkness (Talk About It)

In The Midst of Darkness   -- 8/14/12

In the last eight weeks, my life has been turned upside down. I would consider it hitting rock bottom, having my life unravel before my eyes, and discovering the ultimate strength that lies within me.

Yes, tiny but mighty. Loud and proud, in the face of failure, disappointment and shame—I stand before you, in the midst of darkness to simply tell you that I will not give up. This is not the end of me nor will I allow the past eight weeks to distract me from my ultimate goal.

The truth is, we all fail at some point, in some way, what matters is not why we failed but why we decided to keep trying, to keep going even when the rest of the world around us would understand why we gave up, give in, and simply walked away. I am not a quitter and although I’ve realized in the last eight weeks that I have my fair share of doubters, haters, and those who relish in my misery, I have a greater responsibility to myself, to those who believe in me, and to my dreams and aspirations.

I may not be where I thought I would be but I know I am heading down the path I am meant to travel. So no, I won’t be the resident assistant I thought I would be in the fall, yes, I epically fucked up and lost out on an opportunity.  Yes, this experience has been a black eye to my image, a cause of disappointment in many but I will not tremble in the midst of darkness and give up.

The inner voice inside of me keeps me going. The pain, agony, and frustrations I’ve dealt with in the last eight weeks has been some of the worse I’ve had to deal with. I thought about giving up on life, on giving in to all the negative energy but something kept me here, something told me that this too shall pass and that every night there is darkness so we may greet the light with greater appreciation.

We always hear about suicide, about those who have died or those who failed when they tried but rarely do we hear about those who were haunted with the thoughts but never attempted. Thoughts so pervasive, so intense, the line of reality was so blurred you could imagine your demise in a variety of ways. Yet, even through that experience, even when I felt at my lowest, there was a faint voice telling me that this darkness is temporary; this feeling of despair would pass.

I guess I am sharing this because I know I am not alone, I know I am not the only one who kept fighting the thoughts, who almost lost sight because of the darkness. We all face difficult times in our lives, what makes our lives memorable are the defining moments when we decide we will not give up, that we will live to fight another day.

Every day since the blackout, I think about how one bad night could change my life in such a drastic way and I think about the fact that I’ll never remember all that transpired that night or how I ended up where I did. Yet somehow, being found the way I was, forced me to find myself and reconnect with the side of me I had been ignoring.

To be human is to live through error, learn, and hope to improve with each passing day. In the midst of darkness, I find my inner light, now it is your turn to find the inner light and guide yourself home.

-mark