I
woke up with roses blooming in my stomach. This must be a dream I thought as I
looked to my left and saw his wonder—there he laid resting as I turned to my
right and saw the view from his eighth story balcony. Miami’s beautiful weather
always did leave me wanting more sun and less snow. I had a smile that could
not be removed; it was imprinted on my face like the ones we see on clowns-
slightly unbearable, slightly frightening, and yet freakishly
understandable.
Its
existence seemed massive and endless, as wide as the horizon and as deep as the
galaxy. The sun hovered over the
ocean, resting its rays of light upon the waves as if somehow that would lessen
the intensity in which the tides hit the sandy shore. It seemed to work in the
early hours on that Friday morning. The waves—small, serene, and for a moment
all I could hear was the soft clash against the shore and the sound of a man
breathing calmly in his sleep. I was between two wonders and both left me
equally breathless—I took my hands, which felt as heavy as a feather and
attempted to pinch myself back to reality. Grabbing hold of my exposed thighs,
I tried to snap back to reality, this was a dream I kept telling myself.
His
existence seemed unreal, he couldn’t have flown the distance, rented a car, and
booked a hotel just to spend my last two nights in Miami with me. I was in a
dream. There he laid with his eyes shut, at peace, laying in the glow of his
wonder. I woke up to him on my left—a man who had to design his own path.
There, with his blackish tank top and his grey underwear laid a man who I have
come to care for deeply. The wrinkles around his eyes, the lines on his
forehead—proof of his struggle, proof of his laugher, proof that he has lived a
life that at times aged him far too soon.
Maybe
an effect of the testosterone shots, but it did not matter because as he smiled
and said, “I know I’m cute in my sleep,” he must have felt the heaviness of my
awe stricken gaze, I rolled my eyes and silently agreed with him. I did not
want him to think I thought he was as beautiful, as handsome, as wonderful in
my eyes as the ocean was in the eyes of the countless that sought it out daily.
I
did not want to be one who fell from a cliff to feel the impact of my body
clashing into the ocean’s thin but powerful armor. I did not want to be the one
who fell for a man who would put in the effort to make me feel this special. I
was between two wonders but something deep inside me told me to relish in this
moment because none of it was my actual reality.
