No one expects death to impact his or her
lives the way it does—at least I did not think at fourteen years old that death
would turn my entire world upside down. Recently a childhood best friend lost
her mother; in that moment I did not know what to do or say, I had experienced
the death of my brother and Grandma Jean but years later, I struggle to deal
with death and find myself not being able to attend wakes/funerals or even
knowing what to say to comfort my friend.
This
post will give you five tips to help you cope with a loss and what you can do
to help a friend who is grieving. Please note this disclaimer: the tips are
simply my opinion. I am not certified or hold a degree in any related field
dealing with grief, therapy, or the medical field.
Here are the five stages of grief:
1 – Denial: A conscious or
unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to
the situation concerned. It’s a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some
people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change
that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade
indefinitely.
2 – Anger: Can manifest in
different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with
themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this
helps keep detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone
who is very upset.
3 – Bargaining: Traditionally
the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain
with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can
bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example “Can we still be
friends?..” when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable
solution, especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
4 – Depression: Also referred
to as preparatory grieving. In a way it’s the dress rehearsal or the practice
run for the ‘aftermath’ although this stage means different things depending on
whom it involves. It’s a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s
natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the
person has at least begun to accept the reality.
5 – Acceptance: Again this
stage definitely varies according to the person’s situation, although broadly
it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.
People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave
behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of
dealing with the grief.
(Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death &
Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2009.)
5 Tips To Help You Help Others
1. JUST LISTEN
More often than not we get caught up
in talking to someone who has experienced a great loss, offering them
apologies, giving them advice, and repeating phrases like “I’m sorry for your
loss” and “they are in a better place” instead of simply listening to the
person who is grieving.
2. KNOW YOUR LIMITS
When we want to help a person we
love, we sometimes forget to help ourselves. When someone is experiencing a
loss, they become an emotional roller coaster and as much as you would want to
be there for them and deal with the loss with them, know your own limits and
how much of the ups and downs you can endure on the rollercoaster. It’s okay to
step away for a moment to gather yourself.
3. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONAL
While grieving, a person may begin to
lash out and say or do things that aren’t usual of them. Sometimes when we are
trying to help the person, we sometimes become the human emotional punching bag
(not speaking about physical violence). Don’t take it personal if the person
says things or takes out some of their frustration out on you. It’s not you
they are upset with; you’re just close enough to take the backlash.
4. BE OBSERVANT
Everyone copes with his or her grief
differently so be observant for any shift in behavior and be on the look out
for red flags that might indicate self-harm or a possible threat to others.
5. KNOW THE RESOURCES AROUND YOU
As much as we would like to believe
that we could help the individual in our lives that is dealing with the loss,
we are just one person. So it is important that you know the resources offered
in your area to help individuals who are dealing with grief and a traumatic
life experience. Seek professional help and inform your friend or love one of
the resources available to them.
These are just five tips to help you help
another person who may be experiencing grief. Don’t forget that you too are
also grieving and allow yourself to go through the process as well.
Please feel free to follow me on Twitter
@markingthepath and share this post with your friends with the hashtag
#5TipsToHelp.
