10/21/12
This is not
the conclusion I anticipated. It wasn’t the kind of conclusion I wanted but
realizing that this is how it is always going to end makes me realize that I
can’t keep holding on, hoping impulse would turn into action that actually
would project us further.
This is not
meant to be spiteful, nor difficult. This is me reclaiming my worth and
realizing you were never going to treat me the way I know I deserve to be
treated.
This is not
meant to be complex. Though we both know this has been complex for a while now.
The way we’re going is going to lead us further down the road, where one of us
continues to get hurt while the other is living by the flow, afraid to show how
they really feel.
This is not
easy for me to write. To admit that though I care about you, though I know
there’s a part of you that wants to cherish me, you won’t or can’t or simply
don’t know how too. But I can’t teach you, can’t make you, and won’t force this
on you. I have to move on and this means leaving you behind.
This is not
about revenge; this is about letting go of the part of you that you’ve given me
access to and recognizing that you aren’t ready to give me all of you. I can’t
continue to let you have such access to me, the ability to come and go as you
please, leaving me feeling like a fool.
This is not
about being in denial; in fact, the truth is, I am getting past that. Which is
why I am able to write this and truly mean every single word I am writing.
Letting go of false hope, letting go of the ideal vision I had for the two of
us.
This is not
easy for me to accept either. Knowing that somewhere, deep down, there’s a part
of you being restricted by fear. I stared into your dark brown eyes and knew
that the energy that was flowing between us was not insincere.
“We live
with what we miss, we learn to build another wall until it falls.”
This is
goodbye. Despite how I feel, despite all the potential that lies between us and
how much I care, this is goodbye.
This is me
facing the truth. No more flip flopping, no more lying to myself. No more
pretending to smile in front of you because there was a piece of me that wanted
you in this capacity than not at all; having you at half capacity isn’t enough
for me because my feelings for you are at full capacity, it is overflowing.
This is me
departing. I am leaving with no intention of returning.
This is me
wishing you the best, hoping you continue to grow.
This is me
telling you that I’m finally letting go.
-mark (@markingthepath)
