"Rejection, I'm fine with it, I'm an adult. It upsets me but I can deal with it. It doesn't make me question myself that much..."
is what one of my favorite artists, Adele said. She was referring to the inspiration behind her upcoming album.
Ironically enough, before I watched the video where she said the above quote, I had just received a gentle rejection from a guy I was interested in. I was stressing over something so simple-I wanted to let him know I was interested but feared the rejection I knew was coming.
Then something clicked and after I told him- he gave me a rejection so gentle, it rarely felt like rejection at all. In the past, rejection would seem like a personal attack on who I am. In time I recognized the fact that rejection wasn't a reason to change who I am, it was a reason to recognize that there is someone else out there that would appreciate me as I am.
It's a natural part of life, rejection that is. At times, our bodies reject us, and illness comes about. When another person rejects us, our hearts ache, and pain comes about.
However, how many times do we take into account why the rejection hurts or bothers? Is it because the other person doesn't want you, or because you want to be wanted but can't seem to find anyone who wants to want you?
Although I've experienced various forms of rejection, and will continue to face more as I go through life- there was something about today's rejection that was eye-opening. It was the first time that the rejection didn't seem personal, the first time where I didn't stop what I was doing and begin to 'blame myself for being the way I am' and that's why no one wants me.
No, beside the fact that he was a complete gentleman about it all, I've come to realize that you have to be who you are, no matter if your view on life is blurred or the perceptions others may have about you.
And remember, that rejection on the romantic level doesn't mean you and the other person can't be friends. Don't hold grudges or become bitter because then you will miss out on a potentially great friend.
Take rejection for what it is worth on the surface, and don't allow it to consume you and make you turn into this guarded individual because it is always better to attempt and fail, then to never attempt at all.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Secrets We Hold
On June 30th, it will be one year since I graduated from high school. While my high school years had its good and bad moments, I will always look back with a sense of bittersweetness. I was one of a few handful of people who were openly gay, and others were straight, in the closet, or simply in denial.
Yet, somehow almost a year later, I look back at my high school class and I see people differently. We've grown up a lot, while some have fallen off the map, and others are excelling, and a few- are in the middle. I have to say, for the most part, I look at individuals and wonder where they, and I will be in 2020.
I've learned about the secrets some of us have held, the fact that my thoughts were not wrong, and that some people were gay all along. It isn't about being gay or bi-sexual, or confused- this blog has to do with the fact that in just a short time, the secrets we've held for the last four years are unfolding.
The masks are cracking, and the truth revealed, so now I imagine my 10 year class reunion as a mix between a typical school day at Rosa Parks and the Pride Parade. I may have been one of the few who were bold enough, sure enough, and strong enough to be openly gay- but the few of us is just a small representation of the bigger number. Yes, people who use to attack me or show strong disgust of homosexuality- are indeed gay/bi-sexual themselves.
Those who were afraid to speak out, are now speaking out and are keeping their head high. The secrets we held for all of this time, are coming out in the light, for all to see.
This is not a bad thing, and I am not writing this blog to out anyone, so there will be no names but for those who may read this and knows it applies to you-- I am happy you are coming to grips with who you are. Knowing who you are is the first step of progress and as you continue to grow in life, I am certain you will be able to speak of the secrets, and let it all go.
No more lies, no more hiding, no more feeding into the homophobic facade-- no more fighting. You think people don't know, but they do, and even after they find out- they don't think any differently of you.
So in just a year, a lot of us have grown, some of us have lost our way, and others are soaring in the direction of their dreams, just remember, in ten years, what we kept trying to hide, will be revealed because no secret stays a secret forever.
Yet, somehow almost a year later, I look back at my high school class and I see people differently. We've grown up a lot, while some have fallen off the map, and others are excelling, and a few- are in the middle. I have to say, for the most part, I look at individuals and wonder where they, and I will be in 2020.
I've learned about the secrets some of us have held, the fact that my thoughts were not wrong, and that some people were gay all along. It isn't about being gay or bi-sexual, or confused- this blog has to do with the fact that in just a short time, the secrets we've held for the last four years are unfolding.
The masks are cracking, and the truth revealed, so now I imagine my 10 year class reunion as a mix between a typical school day at Rosa Parks and the Pride Parade. I may have been one of the few who were bold enough, sure enough, and strong enough to be openly gay- but the few of us is just a small representation of the bigger number. Yes, people who use to attack me or show strong disgust of homosexuality- are indeed gay/bi-sexual themselves.
Those who were afraid to speak out, are now speaking out and are keeping their head high. The secrets we held for all of this time, are coming out in the light, for all to see.
This is not a bad thing, and I am not writing this blog to out anyone, so there will be no names but for those who may read this and knows it applies to you-- I am happy you are coming to grips with who you are. Knowing who you are is the first step of progress and as you continue to grow in life, I am certain you will be able to speak of the secrets, and let it all go.
No more lies, no more hiding, no more feeding into the homophobic facade-- no more fighting. You think people don't know, but they do, and even after they find out- they don't think any differently of you.
So in just a year, a lot of us have grown, some of us have lost our way, and others are soaring in the direction of their dreams, just remember, in ten years, what we kept trying to hide, will be revealed because no secret stays a secret forever.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Reflective State Of Mind
When life begins to make me feel pressed against the wall, and everything seems to fall from my grasp--I try to think positive thoughts but sometimes, I can't enter that reflective state of mind.
Someone described me as a person that is always "on the fence" and ready to defend himself, and another person said my filter is missing. Yes, that is all true! Sometimes, I should filter myself before I speak and I can't help but be on the fence.
What am I suppose to do, when being who I am has gotten me to where I am today? They call my strong personality and my inability to filter my thoughts before speaking as possible hindrances but how much of me do I change? At what cost do I begin to change who I am, so that others can think differently of me?
For years, I tried to be what people wanted from me. I never asked to become this role model, the inspiration for some one's aspirations. I didn't ask to be put on this pedestal and yet, there are people who place me at a level of accountability that I do not think is fair. Then there are those who critic me, and I think people sometimes forget that everyone has flaws.
I spent a long time trying to please everyone and all that gave me were wet pillow sheets from the tears caused by trying to be anyone but me. So maybe I am on the fence, because I came to realize that I couldn't sit back and play the role they tried to give me. I couldn't be her ideal son, or the bastard child that sat in silence as my father laid his hands on a woman.
I didn't want to be that disabled individual limited and sheltered because of fear of injury. I didn't want people to think I was less of a man because I ended up discovering that my sexuality was not what society wanted from me.
Growing up in the inner-city, drugs, violence and poverty was a constant reminder that I did not want to get stuck within my City lines. A reminder that I had to push myself, physically and mentally to go beyond the scope of the expected, and prove to all of those who doubted me that I could.
I stomped on those obstacles to get where I am today, but NOT once did I step on someone to arrive at my destination, nor will I ever step over another to enhance myself.
People can be unsatisfied with me, they can judge me because my words carry out a strong, opinionated tone. Sometimes I am wrong, and when I am, my heart and conscious tells me that I need to rethink and react differently. I wonder at times, what my life would have been if I didn't use the motivation given to me by my upbringing as a way to get me out of my circumstance.
What upsets me though, is not so much the individual(s) opinion(s), it's the fact that they don't take the time to look at my heart. I may be loud, proud, stubborn, passionate, intense, and at times intimidating but my heart's intent is always in the right place. I rather help someone I don't know, do what I can to help someone else- then to just take my time off to relax. I am not one that says "No" to someone in need, and while I don't have much, my little bit would not stop me from giving it to another who needed it more.
Yet, so many people will disregard the positive and dwell on the negatives- it hurts, it saddens my heart that my love and affection for others is not always seen the way I would hope it would.
Then I remind myself that I can't please everyone, and that some people don't deserve the amount of time and energy I spend on them, as I try to explain to them that I am not this cold hearted person.
At some point though, even a good heart hardens.
Someone described me as a person that is always "on the fence" and ready to defend himself, and another person said my filter is missing. Yes, that is all true! Sometimes, I should filter myself before I speak and I can't help but be on the fence.
What am I suppose to do, when being who I am has gotten me to where I am today? They call my strong personality and my inability to filter my thoughts before speaking as possible hindrances but how much of me do I change? At what cost do I begin to change who I am, so that others can think differently of me?
For years, I tried to be what people wanted from me. I never asked to become this role model, the inspiration for some one's aspirations. I didn't ask to be put on this pedestal and yet, there are people who place me at a level of accountability that I do not think is fair. Then there are those who critic me, and I think people sometimes forget that everyone has flaws.
I spent a long time trying to please everyone and all that gave me were wet pillow sheets from the tears caused by trying to be anyone but me. So maybe I am on the fence, because I came to realize that I couldn't sit back and play the role they tried to give me. I couldn't be her ideal son, or the bastard child that sat in silence as my father laid his hands on a woman.
I didn't want to be that disabled individual limited and sheltered because of fear of injury. I didn't want people to think I was less of a man because I ended up discovering that my sexuality was not what society wanted from me.
Growing up in the inner-city, drugs, violence and poverty was a constant reminder that I did not want to get stuck within my City lines. A reminder that I had to push myself, physically and mentally to go beyond the scope of the expected, and prove to all of those who doubted me that I could.
I stomped on those obstacles to get where I am today, but NOT once did I step on someone to arrive at my destination, nor will I ever step over another to enhance myself.
People can be unsatisfied with me, they can judge me because my words carry out a strong, opinionated tone. Sometimes I am wrong, and when I am, my heart and conscious tells me that I need to rethink and react differently. I wonder at times, what my life would have been if I didn't use the motivation given to me by my upbringing as a way to get me out of my circumstance.
What upsets me though, is not so much the individual(s) opinion(s), it's the fact that they don't take the time to look at my heart. I may be loud, proud, stubborn, passionate, intense, and at times intimidating but my heart's intent is always in the right place. I rather help someone I don't know, do what I can to help someone else- then to just take my time off to relax. I am not one that says "No" to someone in need, and while I don't have much, my little bit would not stop me from giving it to another who needed it more.
Yet, so many people will disregard the positive and dwell on the negatives- it hurts, it saddens my heart that my love and affection for others is not always seen the way I would hope it would.
Then I remind myself that I can't please everyone, and that some people don't deserve the amount of time and energy I spend on them, as I try to explain to them that I am not this cold hearted person.
At some point though, even a good heart hardens.
Friday, February 11, 2011
My Big White Room
In my big white room, I am all alone and I begin to go insane as I enter a place of reflection. As the thoughts cross my mind and images appear out of thin air, I wonder if I have gone mad.
For the past week or so, only one thing has crossed my mind- Valentine's Day and how down it makes me feel. I'm going to say this with no intention of sounding cocky, but dammit I AM ATTRACTIVE. Better than that, is my intelligence. Yet, I tend to live out the 14th of every February that passes and be forced into thinking why I am the lonesome guy that I am.
Of course, this led me into thinking that I was the problem and self-loathe developed. The more I began to hate myself, my body, and everything that I can't alter- the more my big white room developed, and there wasn't enough padding on the walls when I started running into them.
Tonight, I stare around my room, and the walls stare back at me and it feels as if I am being judged. As if they are looking at me, and thinking of all the errors I've made so far in life, and the guilt falls on top of me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I over think everything in my life, and for a while, I thought making myself super busy would prevent me from having to think about my life. The fact that guys don't want me, that my immediate family and I aren't as close as we'd all like to believe we were, and that although we live in 2011--my sexual preference still makes me a target among my community.
My big white room seems to be closing in on me, and I try to reach out and grab hold of some kind of foundation to plant my feet on, but at this point the room is spinning out of control and I am simply lost in it. As the walls crack, I become buried within the debris of this big white room that has developed within my mind.
For the past week or so, only one thing has crossed my mind- Valentine's Day and how down it makes me feel. I'm going to say this with no intention of sounding cocky, but dammit I AM ATTRACTIVE. Better than that, is my intelligence. Yet, I tend to live out the 14th of every February that passes and be forced into thinking why I am the lonesome guy that I am.
Of course, this led me into thinking that I was the problem and self-loathe developed. The more I began to hate myself, my body, and everything that I can't alter- the more my big white room developed, and there wasn't enough padding on the walls when I started running into them.
Tonight, I stare around my room, and the walls stare back at me and it feels as if I am being judged. As if they are looking at me, and thinking of all the errors I've made so far in life, and the guilt falls on top of me.
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I over think everything in my life, and for a while, I thought making myself super busy would prevent me from having to think about my life. The fact that guys don't want me, that my immediate family and I aren't as close as we'd all like to believe we were, and that although we live in 2011--my sexual preference still makes me a target among my community.
My big white room seems to be closing in on me, and I try to reach out and grab hold of some kind of foundation to plant my feet on, but at this point the room is spinning out of control and I am simply lost in it. As the walls crack, I become buried within the debris of this big white room that has developed within my mind.
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