Inner-City Cries

I was not born in Paterson; but its where I was raised- where I was introduced to snow and so many of the people I know.

It was here in Paterson that I was introduced to family I never knew I had, and it was in this City, that I've learned, going through the educational system.

But it was also here that I've been exposed to drugs, violence and so much more.

Lately, the City of Paterson has been going crazy- more death by gun, others being done by drugs, and cops shooting what they call thugs.

The media seems to have nothing nice to report, I mean it's not their fault that our City sheds blood, which makes the lead- front page- "Another Man Shot and Killed in Paterson".

People look down on everyone who lives in the City- just assuming that we're all hoodlums and losers, deadbeat-abusers. Uneducated, and trouble-makers that become takers- robbing people of their goods, and taking the ultimate prize, somebody's life. But that is not true for everyone that resides within the City of Paterson.

So now it begins, the Inner-City cries of Paterson.

We wish that on every other corner, there wasn't a dealer- selling the drugs that lead to destruction of a family- because either they are locked up, or buried deep within the ground.

We cry for the fallen, even if he was a gang banger or if she was a hooker because that was somebody's life. Someone's child, someone's brother, sister, cousin, nephew, niece and so forth.

We cry that the guns be removed from the hands of the young, before they do something foolish and can't take back the horrible act- now they are being charged as adults.

We cry for more policemen, that do their jobs. Instead of being on 21st Ave- hanging and double-parking, that they patrol the hoods, non-stop because we help pay for their salary so we expect them to keep us safe from harm.

We cry for the woman who is abused by her man, terrorizing the lives of the young children who are forced into witnessing such a horrible thing. They are just continuing the cycle of abuse, drug use and screw ups from the City.

We cry for our City government to do more, enforce the laws, introduce new laws- help stop this growing epidemic of chaos and not just when they are running for re-election. This City needs some serious attention if we hope to change the outside's perception.

We cry for the good that resides in our City to be recognized- not just by the Media but people in general. So before you go, and assume- making a complete ass out of you and I, think about the student who has a 4.5 GPA and an SAT score that would leave some of your children in the dust. Before you assume that we are a bunch of no goods- think about your future doctors, lawyers, policemen, and political leaders because some will have come from Paterson.

And lastly, just because currently, crimes seem to be at its worse, and presently, our city seems to be the worse- REMEMBER our History- because we were one of the richest, brightest, and leading innovative City that helped begin the industrialization of OUR America.

So before you think negatively about everything and anyone PATERSON- think about this blog, which was written by a student raised in Paterson, and then tell me we are a bunch of losers and hoodlums.

Memory: A Double-Edge Sword

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

- Unknown (Not Verified Yet)

Four years of memories that just rush threw me every time I think of him and all that has happened. My head begins to throb and my heart begins to race as I try to erase all the bad memories. However, it's just as hard to forget as it is to forgive, and I am still learning that.

The memory can be a double-edge sword, it can remind you of the good times, but also the horrible times, the things you wish you could just forget.

The above quote, made me think of the person, and I will just call him, John for the sake of privacy.

I want to forget every awful thing he ever said, everything hurtful that he did and I want to forgive him completely, but its easier to say then do.

Image Is Everything, Or So It Seems

"Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today"

Today we live in a society where image means everything. You're either too fat, or too skinny, and your either pretty or your ugly.

These are the pressures we've created for ourselves- pressures that bring people to low depths, and even darker places mentally. Now I am going to reveal parts of me that I've never revealed but only because I think it needs to be shared.

When I was growing up, I would visit my family house a lot and stay over- they lived about 30 minutes away from me- they were the typical "suburb-ish, go to church, play sports, family dinner" kind of family and for that, I loved to go over and spend time with them.

However, I was always the "fat" kid, the one that was out of shape- or the one that would get the look if I went for another slice of apple pie. My cousins, who, with the exception of my older cousin, were all very physically active and fit would nag on me because I liked food and I wasn't shy about it.

I remember the first time I threw up food I ate, it was a Sunday, and we were all in the living room and we eat our favorite pizza from a local pizza place- I had ate 2 slices, and I was going to eat a 3rd, then the comments came.

"You shouldn't eat that"
"Oh my god you just ate 2 and your eating another one"
"Honey, I think you've had enough after that one"

So I eat the pizza slice, and then ran to the upstairs bathroom, and cried as I put my finger in my mouth to get rid of the food I had just eaten. The food came up, some chucks that were so fresh that I could tell that it was the pizza obviously.

I was around 12 or 13 when this happened, maybe a little bit older.

So I was always struggling with my weight and body image.

But that was the only time I ever made my self throw up.

Years have passed since that accident, and I couldn't have been in a better place in my life both physically and mentally.

However, even when I lost the weight, people were still giving me problems because then the comments were this,

"Are you sick? You look too skinny"
"You lost all that weight fast, are you starving yourself?"
"You need to stop losing weight, I can see your bones"

Truth is, I started dancing and I changed my eating habits and I lost the weight- sure there were times when I went hours without eating in a day, but that's not starving myself, because I would eat.

My biggest issue is that everyone has something to say, because you are either too fat or too skinny. Well to all those who have something to say, here's what I have to say, I LOVE MY BODY and I AM NOT SICK- My Body Mass Index shows that I am healthy.

"To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today..."

Today,a friend that I love deeply told me some things that made me so angry, and sad at the same time. Let me give you some back story, she was never a super skinny girl, but she was fit and average size. Due to some unfortunate circumstance, she has gained a lot of weight- and this next part just broke my heart.

She expressed how hard her family has been on her even before the weight gain, and how hard it is for her emotionally and physically. It's like she tries to lose the weight but she can't- she changes her diet and nothing works.

Meanwhile, she has people who are suppose to love her and support her suggesting that she get plastic surgery- (She is not Obese in any way, she is just a little overweight- but far from Obese). I couldn't believe what I was hearing from her mouth- they even get on her on what time she eats, and restricts what she can and can't eat.

You can tell this is hard on her, and what's worse of all, is that I think she thinks that Plastic Surgery and not eating for long hours at a time will help her lose weight; and the ones who gave her life, are the ones telling her that she isn't beautiful enough- in an indirect way.

She didn't chose to get sick and gain all the weight that she has, and instead of worrying about her health, they are more concerned with the weight which was caused by the ill health.

This is what we have come to, mothers preferring the other child because of our weight, or fathers telling their daughters they aren't pretty enough- and having an eating curfew- are you kidding me?

Sure, this won't make anyone more depressed, and cause more binge eating and bad habits- sure it won't make them hate their body image and their life- sure it won't cause suicide or even homicide.

What happened to loving people and supporting them through the hard times?

Seems like we are more obsessed over the weight then the person themselves.

"No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what they say
no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go
(everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine
(sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times"

Instead of putting someone down, why don't you tell them something kind. Instead of assuming they are being lazy and won't work out, why don't you ask them to join you for a walk. Instead of assuming that they starve themselves and put a finger down their throat, why don't you talk to them about their eating habits. Instead of judging them, why don't you put yourself in their shoes.

Image is everything, or so it seems but what happens when the beauty fades? Or the metabolism slows down dramatically? What happens when you push yourself over the edge because you just hate what you see? Or when you take drastic measures just to find happiness?

What you should do is realize that image is not everything, and that one should focus more on being healthy- which doesn't mean becoming a stick figure- or doing anything drastic.

Remember that those who really care what say hurtful things to make you hate looking in the mirror- but also remember that it matters more about what you see in yourself.

LOVE and RESPECT yourself and your body- remember that an image can tell a thousand words but that doesn't mean that every word is correct.

You are beautiful- no matter what, and you should embrace yourself.

And to those who feel like bringing people down because of their size- remember that your shape won't always be the same because time has a way of slowing things down, and weighing things down as well. Treat others kindly, because image is NOTHING.

"'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today"

*the quotes that are italicized are lyrics to the Christina Aguilera song, "Beautiful" written by Linda Perry- I don't claim any ownership over those quotes in this blog and give all credit to the above names in regards to the song's lyrics.

It's All Fun & Games Until...

Ever heard the saying, "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt"?

Though it's extremely cliche, there is truth in the words made popular by teachers and parents. Today was suppose to be a fun day for me, but instead it ended up being a rough day, and my feelings were hurt.

I know I am sensitive, BUT in this case, I have valid points for feeling the way I do- and although I can't get into details because it will expose a person (which I won't do) I'll explain how the situation made me feel.

When someone feels disrespected by someone they have an enormous amount of respect for, what does one do, or even say? Especially when that person is an authority figure?

I felt like yelling and telling that person how insensitive and rude they were. Instead, I just ignored it and then I briefly explained some things via text- but obviously that wasn't enough.

Going back to the above quote, there's nothing fun about a game that makes others laugh at your account- joke or no joke.

I guess today made me realize how others might feel when I say certain things, or certain jokes- so to those people, I am truly sorry.

I was hurt because I work so hard, I work hard to prove to people that I deserve to be where I am, and though the person I am referring to always told me not to prove anything to anyone and add that pressure, I feel the need to do so when people tell me I am "lucky to be here".

What made me angry, is the obvious double standard of today- making me feel, less worthy or important, which really makes me feel like a piece of trash that can be disposed of. Then it makes me question everything that person ever told me, and I find a thin trace of hypocrisy- how can you have my best interest, when you decide to say something that directly hits a sore spot for me? Where's the best interest in that for me? When one is fully aware of another's insecurities or indifference, yet they decide to go to that place that really tugs at those insecurities, are they held completely responsible?

Some can claim, they didn't know a joke would bother you, or that there was a bigger issue underneath- but when a person is aware, that excuse goes out the window, at least in my opinion.

I feel like people (including myself) need to be more aware of the words we speak, because once words are spoken, I am afraid they can't be taken back. Instead, they will linger in the person to whom the words were addressed to, replaying over and over again in their head- even while they are sleeping, in some cases.

Words are more powerful then many realize, words can cut sharper than a blade and last longer than a bruise.

Why else would there be poetry if words could not move people, evoke emotion or leave some lasting impression?

Why else would they write down history, so things can be remembered for decades to come?

And so forth, words can be like a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands...

I don't think the person was telling a joke at all, and that belief was only strengthen later on after more harsh remarks were made-

I am such a strong person, and I don't know why this means so much to me, why it is bringing me to tears, normally I am so strong, but I guess because of the person who said it, I am feeling some unusual way about it.

I know I just have to get over it, but to be honest with you, I don't think I can look at the person in the same light again, and even more so if they feel that they did nothing wrong (haven't asked if they think they were wrong)

It really is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

Lust, Like and Love

Lust is a feeling that is toxic, it can distort reality, and it's extremely distracting to the eyes.
You see, when you lust for someone, you become consumed more by the physical aspects of a person rather than the character that makes that person.

I, too have become blinded by lust on some aspects. I allowed lust to make me see past a person who was not treating me right, and only used me but because, I in a way was only using him for pleasure- I allowed lust to cause me harm.

This person, was younger than me, but ever so intriguing and I was entice by his complexion, furthermore by his amazing body- all desired because of lust.

There is another component of human emotions, when you like someone. You like them enough to get to know them, but sometimes you can like someone for all the wrong reasons. I ended up liking someone in part because they were giving me attention, they sincerely cared, and they were supportive. I allowed that to make myself like them even though I didn't have those feelings as strongly. I forced myself to like someone for all the wrong reasons and though I don't think I caused the other person pain, I felt bad for dragging something on.

Like can sometimes turn to dislike in a heart beat, but there is no other emotion that is so powerful, yet extremely dangerous.

That is love. Love is the creation of life- if you believe that God created us out of love- that he sacrificed his only son to spare our lives.

Yet, love can be destructive. Love can cause people to do things that they normally wouldn't. It would make them endure more suffering and grief because you have "love" for someone.

Love is the worse form of human emotion, because while tamed, it can be a wonderful feeling, and flourish like petals on a rose but when distorted or injured, the emotion of love can turn into hatred.

A hatred that is so severe that it destroys the person and those around them, yes I know this is a bit of an hyperbole but there is truth behind my madness.

You can lust for someone, like them, and then love them, only to hate them at the end.

The Boy Who Wouldn't Come Out

As many of you may know, people seem to be coming out the "closet" like fireworks because we're in a society that is accepting for the most part.

Well don't we all know at least ONE person who refuses to come out the closet even though everyone knows the person is gay?

I know a boy who won't come out, it's kind of sad to be completely honest. They deny, pretend to like girls and EVERYTHING. But it's like looking at a mirror after you take a hot steamy shower, just because the view may be foggy, doesn't mean you don't see your reflection-- and everyone sees this person true colors.

It screams "A sad little story of a boy who won't come out and hides behind a facade as transparent as his religious beliefs- [yeah he even uses God as a shield from the truth of the matter], pretending to be someone he isn't"

It's kind of scary, I mean, how can you live such a double life like that? How do you keep track of all your lies? How do you sleep at night knowing your living a lie?

According to a friend, this boy even has a older boyfriend from a different city, who pays the boy's cell bill and wines and dines him. Now that is a mess, this world is too small and even after he tries to hide, he is still caught.

I think people would respect him more if he just admitted it, but people get tired of being lied to- its pathetic. But hey, if someone is willing to wine and dine you and not even care that you are that insecure about yourself, why not right?

I find it so twisted, sickening even-- the boy who wouldn't come out is using some other guy, claiming they are just friend- well how you doing? Because last I checked, friends didn't have sex- yeah dude, you are living this "double life" but its a small world and your guy friend apparently talks about his boy toy.

Well just needed to vent-- COME OUT ALREADY- We already know, we will all just say this:
"(Sigh) About time, what took you so long?"

-Mark
*the things written on here are my opinions and some of the things I've said here are based on truth, and some based on what other people have heard- from a reliable source.

You've been marked for the liar you are--